DH is outside, caught in a lie

[Wishthereweremorecrumpets]

Apologies, I’m currently shaking. I’ve just realised I’ve caught out DH in lies as to where he’s been. DH works nights and often six days a week, returning back late at the weekend. He’s told me he’s been going out with a friend a few times as he’s been signed off work following minor surgery. He said he went out with him last night before his mate goes off on holiday. Well, I get on well with his friend so just text him to say have a wonderful trip and asked when he’s off. Turns out he’s already there and was asking how DH is after his surgery.
I feel like such an absolute mug to believe he would be getting in at 6am with mates, he is a night owl because of the night shifts but I’m an idiot.
He’s out again now and not answering the phone. We’ve two DC 7 and 2, not in or from the same country either. Any hand holds?

Sorry OP this is awful. I think based on your situation you shouldnt do anything or say anything just yet. Just carry on as usual whilst getting your ducks in a row, understanding your legal standpoint and seeing if you can confirm your suspicions.

I'd play to long game.
Get money saved and secure in my home country.
Perfectly happy in marriage as a facade.
Suggest a move back to my home country.
Divorce etc there where I'd be on firmer ground.

DO NOT DO ANYTHING YET.

If DH says something because the friend has been in touch, just look completely blank and confused. Carry on behaving completely normally until you take the kids back to the UK to visit your mum who's had a really upsetting diagnosis.

This. Do not let him know. You need to get your kids back to the U.K. or you could lose them completely. It’s worth letting every else go for. Don’t say anything to him and make up a reason that you need to take a.trip back home with the kids.

This. Come up with a reason to go back to the UK 'temporarily' to get your kids out of there before he gets wise and objects.

^ This. Do not let him know you know. Just get organised and get back to the UK with the kids.

100% play the long game if you can.

I wouldn’t let on you know at all and if he brings it up (in case the friend forewarned him) play dumb like you believe him.

Can you book a trip to your home country for a visit with the kids without it looking suspect? If so, I would and then just make up some excuse about having to stay there (ill parent or similar) while you get some legal advice about keeping your kids. No way would I stay there if he potentially has a replacement lined up for me!!!

Yes yes and yes this is just what I was thinking too.

IF it's a country in which the Hauge Convention applies and can be enforced. Many muslim countries are not part of this agreement.

OP, do NOT let on that you know about any of this, until you have worked out a way to move forward.

Text the friend back and said “oh yes sorry, I must’ve got mixed up with the dates of your trip. Hope you’re having a good time!”

This I think. I assume this country isn’t signed up to The Hague convention so he couldn’t get you sent back.
this plan takes some time to implement and you need to save

Sending a hand hold and advising to be calm and play the long game. If his mate hasn’t been in touch then you hold the cards.

Say nothing atm! As soon as you can, get a flight back to your own country where you have a support network and take your DC with you. Then deal with the fallout in a safer environment.

OP you might need his permission to leave the country. Have you got yours and DC's passports? If so, hide them well. Do not let him know you know or suspect anything. If you can find out anything more that would be the best idea before you act. Make plans carefully and secretly if and when you need to. Agree with PPs that coming up with an emergency at home is a good way to get you and DCs out the country, even if it is so you can tackle him about his behaviour from the safety of the UK or your home country, rather than when you are vulnerable in a ME country. Whatever money or job or anything else you'd need to give up to get you and your DCs safe, just do it. You can rebuild those things, you can never rebuild your relationship with your children being taken away. Sending a big hand hold.

Be very careful re the kids. Can you go back to the UK to have the conversation? My friend’s daughters were kidnapped by her husband’s family and she spent years in the law courts trying to get them back, the UK had no jurisdiction in the country they were in. Can you talk to a lawyer to find out your rights before you tell him you know? Or can you go to the UK on ‘holiday’ then tell him over the phone so he can’t take the kids? Sending you strength to get through this.

I lived in the Middle East for many years. Not once have I seen a custody battle be reasonable for a foreign woman. I would do your utmost to get back to the UK if you want your children to live with you.

Any update today OP?

F

Can you bring the kids back to the UK for a holiday, then just fail to go back to him?
I'd be very wary of letting him know you suspect anything until you are well out of his reach.
Were you married in the UK? If so does that mean you need a UK divorce?

Don’t let him know you know. If he’s prepared to lie to you about an affair he could well lie to you about his intentions for the children.

Does he have a good relationship with your parents or is he likely to contact them if you said your mother was ill and you + kids had to return to the uk? This could determine what you say to him. It may be easier to say your best friend from childhood (whom he hasn’t met) is getting married & you will be maid of honour so need to come back to help with wedding plans etc. Say the friend is an only child or has lost her own mother, or something that makes your close involvement more likely. Think through your best (easiest so you don’t get caught out) excuse, look at any holes and build up from there. You do need some reason though so he agrees for the children to fly out and you can’t be accused of having done a moonlight flit. When you do go, take only the essentials so it isn’t immediately obvious you won’t be coming back ever again.

You said you’re in education (I think) - is this for a branch of a British school in the ME? If so, you may be able to contact someone in the UK to see if they have a system for emergency visits (if you went with the excuse your mother is ill, for example) so cost of return flights wouldn’t be an issue. Otherwise look at your contract of employment, you don’t want to get in a legal dispute over breaking contracts if it can be helped.

Good luck.

I’m saying a prayer for you and your children to get back to Uk safely

I'm sorry OP.

Are you in Dubai? The Hague Convention doesn’t apply. I’d honestly feign a family emergency soon-ish, take the kids and go home. You have no rights there.

The job, apartment, school place can all be sorted out in the UK eventually. Not a chance in hell I’d stay in a country so loaded against women with a cheating, lying husband,

Okay, this is what you do - pay very close attention:

Don’t let on that anything is wrong or that you think or know he’s up to no good.
You make a plan with a family member back home that “they’re quite ill” and you have to go home for about a week. So you pack up your children and yourself and you get yourselves safely out of that Muslim country. Take all birth certificates and legal papers with you.

In the meantime, you act as normal as possible, voicing concern for your dad or mum or sister who’s taken quite ill with whatever it is you come up with.

I’m so very sorry you’re having to deal with this.

But now is not the time for crying and hand wringing. Now is the time for getting the three of you safely out of that country and back to your home country where the laws are reasonable and sane. There you can cool off and put some distance between you and your husband - and you can discuss by phone anything necessary.
You can THEN choose to go back - or not. But at least you’re safely out.
Sending love ❤️