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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH is outside, caught in a lie

187 replies

Wishthereweremorecrumpets · 02/08/2025 19:10

Apologies, I’m currently shaking. I’ve just realised I’ve caught out DH in lies as to where he’s been. DH works nights and often six days a week, returning back late at the weekend. He’s told me he’s been going out with a friend a few times as he’s been signed off work following minor surgery. He said he went out with him last night before his mate goes off on holiday. Well, I get on well with his friend so just text him to say have a wonderful trip and asked when he’s off. Turns out he’s already there and was asking how DH is after his surgery.
I feel like such an absolute mug to believe he would be getting in at 6am with mates, he is a night owl because of the night shifts but I’m an idiot.
He’s out again now and not answering the phone. We’ve two DC 7 and 2, not in or from the same country either. Any hand holds?

OP posts:
Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 08:48

Wishthereweremorecrumpets · 02/08/2025 19:48

It’s the apple tags, the area is general residential flats so even if I went there I wouldn’t be able to know where he was. Taking the car would be funny. I do want to stay in this country, but god what if he wants to move back and take them with him.

Unfortunately, I laid out a lot for us to move so have no means of paying for anything atm. He has the disposable money for food etc this month.

In Islam, his money is your money. And any money you make js yours solely.

Im sorry you're going through this.

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 08:48

GrumpyInsomniac · 02/08/2025 20:01

Is this compulsory, or can it be varied so as not to split up siblings?

Is that Shariah Law?

Addictedtohotbaths · 03/08/2025 08:52

SilverpetalShine · 03/08/2025 08:45

SENDCO provision in the UK is good actually but you do have to be proactive. SEN is an out moded term and no longer used. You now sound like a different person. Glad you had it worked out all along...

I was proactive, I hired a lawyer and took the council to tribunal it costs me thousands. I’m not sure I’d want to start that process when I already have a good provision in place for my DC and they’re settled.

sashh · 03/08/2025 08:52

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 02/08/2025 21:31

Not necessarily. Certainly not in UK.

No because the UK is not a Muslim country. This is the law in many Muslim countries where the law is based on sharia.

OP I know you probable feel like you have been punched in the stomach and I'm sorry I'm going to make thigs worse.

If you have only just arrived is it possible the relationship (if it is one) started before you moved?

Lucyintheskywithdiamonnds · 03/08/2025 08:56

sashh · 03/08/2025 08:52

No because the UK is not a Muslim country. This is the law in many Muslim countries where the law is based on sharia.

OP I know you probable feel like you have been punched in the stomach and I'm sorry I'm going to make thigs worse.

If you have only just arrived is it possible the relationship (if it is one) started before you moved?

They’ve been there for 10years

Lizziespring · 03/08/2025 08:56

I agree with the woman who suggested getting in touch with the Embassy. Then in the (hopefully unnecessary) event you'd ever need to leave discretely with the children, they can support you, even just by lending the fare or giving you a room while waiting to go. Let's hope he's just doing something like all night card sessions or whatever, that he wants to do outside family life and is keeping secret because it's inconsiderate. What a horrible situation for you. 💅

flopsyuk · 03/08/2025 08:57

Is there any way you could find out what he is up to?
I had a family member who kept disappearing. It was drugs. He was meeting up with an old friend who had a supply.
The other possibility is that he is secretly meeting another man for sex or has an intense friendship with a man and they are gambling or socialising with alcohol or partying.
There could be other reasons for his time away.
The cat is out of the bag in a way as you sent the text message to his friend. He may well know what is happening and be part of the coverup.

Sending a gentle hug. So sorry this is happening to you.

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 03/08/2025 08:57

Get checked for STIs too op

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 08:59

GarlicLitre · 02/08/2025 20:58

Doing a runner leaves OP in a horrid position, though. She's recently started her well-paid job, has put up the security deposit/advance on their home, and her SN child is in a very suitable school. She likes everything about it except being married to a liar ...

It could work out well depending on the kind of support she has at home - but (I hate saying this) it could also be worth sticking it out, at least while she lines everything up and finds out about the legal environment: can a man be divorced or adultery, for instance, and what proof is needed? What happens if she gets him to divorce her? Can a woman rent property by herself; what are the financial implications of divorce or separation; can the 7-year rule be varied?

I'm really sorry for what you're going through, @Wishthereweremorecrumpets. It's horrible, feels like you've stepped through some kind of distorting mirror. I advise keeping your powder dry and seeing what kind of support you can muster, both where you are and at home Flowers

Yes, he can be punished by shariah law for having sex before marriage. This is a sin in Islam.
He can be walloped in public with a rope but the court. However jf he took this woman as a second wife or even a wife before the op, then he won't be punished. In islam, you are allowed another wife. However, some men don't bother telling the first wife. Or just go ahead and do it.

The prophet Muhammed actually said that a woman has the right to put in her marriage contract, that he cannot take a 2nd wife.
There are several women who do this
However , there are men who marry again. Because the first wife couldn't bear children, and she said youcan marry another because I knw you wanted children. And they worked it out. Another woman found out her husband had a wife before he married her. She wasn't exactly ecstatic but gradually they all came to love each other and get along. In fact one lady on a sisters group page I was reading said, please keep my sister wife in your prayers, she's going through a lot of heart problems and I am her carer. I thought that was quite sweet. Obvious, this is a Muslim way of life. Sometimes, it works sometimes it does not.
Sorry to derail, just giving an example that it is completely possible for op husband to have a second wife.

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 08:59

In Islamic law, child custody (hidanah) is primarily viewed as the child's right, not the parents', with a focus on the child's best interests. Generally, the mother has the initial right to custody of young children, with the father responsible for the child's financial well-being and religious/moral guidance. As children mature, custody arrangements can shift, with boys often going to the father at a certain age (varying by school of thought) and girls potentially having more time with the mother, or being given the choice to decide.

Here's a more detailed breakdown:
Key Principles:
Child's Best Interest:
The primary consideration in all custody matters is the child's welfare.

Mother's Priority:
Islamic law generally gives the mother the first right to custody of young children.

Father's Responsibilities:
The father is financially responsible for the child's needs and has the role of guardian, guiding the child's religious and moral development.

Age-Related Shifts:
Custody arrangements can change as children grow, with boys typically transitioning to the father's care at a certain age, and girls sometimes given more time with the mother or the choice to decide.

Specific Considerations:
Mother's Remarriage:
If the mother remarries, particularly to someone not closely related to the child, her right to custody may be forfeited, though this can vary.

Reaching Maturity:
Once children reach the age of discretion and independence (usually around 7-8 years old), they may have more say in where they live.

Other Relatives:
If the mother is unable to care for the child (due to death, remarriage, or other reasons), custody may pass to other female relatives, then to the father, and then to other male relatives.

Court Discretion:
Judges have the authority to make decisions about custody based on what is best for the child, even if it differs from the general rules.

Variations:
Sunni vs. Shia:
There are differences in custody rules between Sunni and Shia schools of Islamic law, particularly regarding the age at which custody transfers to the father.

Different Schools of Thought:
Even within Sunni Islam, different legal schools (e.g., Hanafi, Shafi'i, Hanbali) may have varying interpretations of custody rules.

Practical Considerations:
Visitation:
Even when custody is with one parent, the other parent usually has visitation rights, ensuring the child has contact with both parents.

Financial Support:
The father is obligated to provide financial support for the child's needs, regardless of who has custody.

Documentation:
In cases of separation, it is important to document custody arrangements (visitation schedules, financial responsibilities, etc.).

Google Search

https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-samsung-ss&cs=0&sca_esv=4f94f01351843182&q=school+of+thought&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjqv4W7lO6OAxUXQ0EAHSahE-0QxccNegQIBRAB&mstk=AUtExfBWBrdyomFN01nO6R6o3EbJdgfZ9Ax65bIaDBVpxXA3v8vV7gamn0wa9vN0BU9oNLNQWOYDuehTIFVocz7SQBvW1wjj_qhh0an7OqHO-YmHIs8zRjhQ43w23ij-vyX2s7s&csui=3

Imisscoffee2021 · 03/08/2025 09:05

Wishthereweremorecrumpets · 03/08/2025 07:36

@Dimdam thank you for sharing your experience. You’re right, he could well be lying about other things. I’m aware you think me a coward and not facing the harder path, it feels selfish if I’m honest to break up the family. I’d rather sacrifice my happiness to ensure my children are provided for.

Long term what would the plan be if he is having an affair and decides to leave you? If the children are over the age if 7 then would he have full custody? I understand you keeping the peace now to protect your family unit for your children, but that is all based on your husband staying in the marriage long term. Alot of what ifs.

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 09:06

Ymiryboo · 02/08/2025 21:16

Are kids automatically Muslim though just because their dad is?

Can you not them christened in the UK?

They are Muslim because they're born Muslim by a Muslim father. They shouldn't give uo their faith just because their dads a pig. Even if op isn't Muslim, she probably knows a lot about islam and can help teach the kids. She happily married a Muslim man and had children with him. He might pray in front of her and with the kids.

And who is to say she wants them christened?

Islam isn't a bad religion.
It's just what the media posts and people chose to follow that narrative. Like believing isis represent islam and saying Hitler was a good Christian. Really not the case.

LavendersBlueeee · 03/08/2025 09:06

Apologies if I’ve missed any update that states this, but OP are you not even going to confront him or attempt to get to the bottom of his lies and where he’s been/who he’s been with?

Lucyintheskywithdiamonnds · 03/08/2025 09:12

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 09:06

They are Muslim because they're born Muslim by a Muslim father. They shouldn't give uo their faith just because their dads a pig. Even if op isn't Muslim, she probably knows a lot about islam and can help teach the kids. She happily married a Muslim man and had children with him. He might pray in front of her and with the kids.

And who is to say she wants them christened?

Islam isn't a bad religion.
It's just what the media posts and people chose to follow that narrative. Like believing isis represent islam and saying Hitler was a good Christian. Really not the case.

The reason many people think Islam is ‘a bad religion’ is because Islamic extremist attacks and deaths are in the news, a lot. The media posts about these attacks.

Between 1979 and April 2024, we recorded 66,872 Islamist attacks worldwide. These attacks caused the deaths of at least 249,941 people’

Sorry op, derail.

https://www.fondapol.org/en/study/islamist-terrorist-attacks-in-the-world-1979-2024/

Islamist terrorist attacks in the world 1979-2024 - Fondapol

• 1979-2000: 2,194 attacks and 6,817 deaths.

https://www.fondapol.org/en/study/islamist-terrorist-attacks-in-the-world-1979-2024/

Ymiryboo · 03/08/2025 09:20

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 09:06

They are Muslim because they're born Muslim by a Muslim father. They shouldn't give uo their faith just because their dads a pig. Even if op isn't Muslim, she probably knows a lot about islam and can help teach the kids. She happily married a Muslim man and had children with him. He might pray in front of her and with the kids.

And who is to say she wants them christened?

Islam isn't a bad religion.
It's just what the media posts and people chose to follow that narrative. Like believing isis represent islam and saying Hitler was a good Christian. Really not the case.

Islam isn’t an ethnoreligion so it isn’t passed on the way Judaism is. Therefore being Muslim is a choice one children that young can’t make and certainly not one a court should thrust on them.

i made no judgement of Islam that’s your projection.

Darklight1 · 03/08/2025 09:30

Pregnancyquestion · 02/08/2025 20:42

100%

Act normal, go back to uk with his permission. Don’t come back

There’s a possibility OP could be ordered back and then they could go against her in terms of custody

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 09:35

Lucyintheskywithdiamonnds · 03/08/2025 09:12

The reason many people think Islam is ‘a bad religion’ is because Islamic extremist attacks and deaths are in the news, a lot. The media posts about these attacks.

Between 1979 and April 2024, we recorded 66,872 Islamist attacks worldwide. These attacks caused the deaths of at least 249,941 people’

Sorry op, derail.

https://www.fondapol.org/en/study/islamist-terrorist-attacks-in-the-world-1979-2024/

If you hurt someone or kill then you're no longer Muslim.
Straight up.

Anyone who says God is great and bombs a train goes completely against the QURAN.

I know there's total idiots out there and they're certainly not my brothers and sisters in faith, theyre nothing but complete nutcases who hurt and murder innocent people. And should face the punishment by the court system and also punishment in the afterlife.

Lafufufu · 03/08/2025 09:36

Lucyintheskywithdiamonnds · 03/08/2025 08:31

Not true. She can leave the country with her children (with passports) whenever she wants. Things have changed in KSA, quite rapidly in the last 7yesrs.

This happened to a family member of mine last year (2024).... Who had a British passport returning to Britain.

NOTANUM · 03/08/2025 09:38

We are all assuming he’s with a woman, when indeed it could just as easily be a man. He’s taking a risk but any woman having an affair in the middle
east is taking a much bigger risk. Hence the point re man.

I would be careful here, reveal nothing and plot an exit back to the UK. You will only be involved in your children’s lives for as long as he needs and wants you. Then you have few rights.

Lucyintheskywithdiamonnds · 03/08/2025 09:38

Lafufufu · 03/08/2025 09:36

This happened to a family member of mine last year (2024).... Who had a British passport returning to Britain.

There must’ve been something else going on, sorry. That’s a bizarre case.

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 09:41

Ymiryboo · 03/08/2025 09:20

Islam isn’t an ethnoreligion so it isn’t passed on the way Judaism is. Therefore being Muslim is a choice one children that young can’t make and certainly not one a court should thrust on them.

i made no judgement of Islam that’s your projection.

Yes, you're right, islam is a religion for anyone who believes in one God only. No matter what ethnicity.

The court wouldn't thrust on them to be Muslim. They have already grown up in a Muslim household. He might be s good dad teaching them how to pray etc, and op could very well be supportive of that. There's lots of British women who marry Muslim men and even though they don't revert to islam, they stop eating pork and drinking alcohol. Out of respect etc. Even the bible says don't eat pork.
Maybe it can work out with them separate but still co parenting.
Islamic court doesn't mean less women's rights and just taking kids away from a mother. A mother is islam is highly regarded.

We say heaven lies at your mothers feet.

Nestingbirds · 03/08/2025 09:42

Darklight1 · 03/08/2025 09:30

There’s a possibility OP could be ordered back and then they could go against her in terms of custody

That is not strictly true, the Middle East have.not joined the vague convention. Legally you can not just order anything that will necessarily be implemented.

The safest option for op would be to fly home and seek legal advice there. Given they are British citizens with British passports and are at home they will be in a much stronger position. It’s irrelevant anyway as op has decided to try and stick it out because she likes the learning support there…

Lucyintheskywithdiamonnds · 03/08/2025 09:45

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 09:35

If you hurt someone or kill then you're no longer Muslim.
Straight up.

Anyone who says God is great and bombs a train goes completely against the QURAN.

I know there's total idiots out there and they're certainly not my brothers and sisters in faith, theyre nothing but complete nutcases who hurt and murder innocent people. And should face the punishment by the court system and also punishment in the afterlife.

Ok, I know. However that’s almost irrelevant when there are hundreds of thousands of ‘extremist’ Muslims all over the world. And Islamist attacks are common. Sorry - that’s just the way it is. It’s not going to change unless Muslim extremism ends. Chances?

Nestingbirds · 03/08/2025 09:46

Judgejudysno1fan · 03/08/2025 09:41

Yes, you're right, islam is a religion for anyone who believes in one God only. No matter what ethnicity.

The court wouldn't thrust on them to be Muslim. They have already grown up in a Muslim household. He might be s good dad teaching them how to pray etc, and op could very well be supportive of that. There's lots of British women who marry Muslim men and even though they don't revert to islam, they stop eating pork and drinking alcohol. Out of respect etc. Even the bible says don't eat pork.
Maybe it can work out with them separate but still co parenting.
Islamic court doesn't mean less women's rights and just taking kids away from a mother. A mother is islam is highly regarded.

We say heaven lies at your mothers feet.

I wouldn’t say it was especially respectful lying to your wife, and cheating but that’s just my own perspective….I also don’t agree with second wives. Do women have the option of toy boys too? Nor the absence of actual rights. I spent a huge amount of time in the ME and I saw the opposite of high regard. Women expected to walk four paces behind their own sons, not able to speak. Completely shrouded even in stifling heat. They were often segregated and berated in public.

IVbumble · 03/08/2025 09:48

It's important to remember that what someone might decide to do about any given situation can be completely different to someone else.

Posts on this thread demonstrate this fact.

OP has time to consider what is the best course of action for her & her DC & that's ok even if it doesn't fit with our opinion.

There is no need for OP to justify her decision nor respond to those who believe she should do what they say.