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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is outside, caught in a lie

187 replies

Wishthereweremorecrumpets · 02/08/2025 19:10

Apologies, I’m currently shaking. I’ve just realised I’ve caught out DH in lies as to where he’s been. DH works nights and often six days a week, returning back late at the weekend. He’s told me he’s been going out with a friend a few times as he’s been signed off work following minor surgery. He said he went out with him last night before his mate goes off on holiday. Well, I get on well with his friend so just text him to say have a wonderful trip and asked when he’s off. Turns out he’s already there and was asking how DH is after his surgery.
I feel like such an absolute mug to believe he would be getting in at 6am with mates, he is a night owl because of the night shifts but I’m an idiot.
He’s out again now and not answering the phone. We’ve two DC 7 and 2, not in or from the same country either. Any hand holds?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 02/08/2025 20:04

I’m so sorry op. Don’t let on that you know.

you need to know exactly where you stand and you need a plan before you make a move. Money will be useful no matter what.

Gently, I think it is naive to think that you can work it out amicably. In my experience many men do not take it well when a marriage breaks down, even when they are at fault and they often don’t put the children first. You would go better to plan for the worst even if you hope for the best. Wishing you all the best

wizzywig · 02/08/2025 20:07

So he parks somewhere and then takes a taxi to see someone else? Could he have a second wife? God this is difficult as you're in a Muslim country and their rules about children.

wizzywig · 02/08/2025 20:08

I'm sure we have quite a few mn'ers who are middle eastern based who can give advice x

Original poster
Wishthereweremorecrumpets · 02/08/2025 20:20

Thanks everyone, I’m screwed myself over as I’ve taken on accommodation which means no money at all so I can’t take legal advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishthereweremorecrumpets · 02/08/2025 20:22

@GrumpyInsomniac thank you that’s a great idea I’ll try that. Also thank you for reframing it in terms of protecting the children. He is very good with them but wouldn’t be able to afford DCs support alone. But again, would hope we would work together to do that

OP posts:
drspouse · 02/08/2025 20:22

I have no idea if this is even viable, but can you travel back to the UK (or your home country? I'm sorry if I haven't been paying attention) with the DCs if he is not a citizen of the country you are living in, he may not have as many rights to take them back?

Lefthandedkitty · 02/08/2025 20:22

I don't understand - what does 'taken on accommodation' mean?

drspouse · 02/08/2025 20:23

Lefthandedkitty · 02/08/2025 20:22

I don't understand - what does 'taken on accommodation' mean?

I imagine it's paid for with her job?

wizzywig · 02/08/2025 20:24

drspouse · 02/08/2025 20:23

I imagine it's paid for with her job?

Show quote history

I thought it meant she is paying rent

chloechloe · 02/08/2025 20:29

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I agree with previous posters that you should get legal advice before confronting him. Please also hide your and your DCs passports - perhaps them into work if you can lock them away safely there.

Richandstrange · 02/08/2025 20:31

Have a look at this website OP, might be info on there to help you make a viable plan https://www.globalarrk.org/

Globalarrk – Global Action on Relocation & Return with Kids

https://www.globalarrk.org

SilverpetalShine · 02/08/2025 20:37

Mmm... But some times it is and we just can't or won't see it. Are you afraid of him? Share your story and get out. It's important to let others know what is happening to you. People will start to check in on you. Ask immediate family to check in on you more often. I agree with others, I'd be checking out that location somehow.

Caniweartheseones · 02/08/2025 20:41

I have some experience with such situations. Keep it quiet, get your ducks in a row as they say, and go to the UK to see a sick relative (your parent?) And don’t return. It sounds dramatic but it’s extremely hard to navigate when you don’t know how to work the system. I’m really sorry. Keep taking time to stay calm and give yourself time. Maybe you’re worried about your family member… Good luck

Pregnancyquestion · 02/08/2025 20:42

Caniweartheseones · 02/08/2025 20:41

I have some experience with such situations. Keep it quiet, get your ducks in a row as they say, and go to the UK to see a sick relative (your parent?) And don’t return. It sounds dramatic but it’s extremely hard to navigate when you don’t know how to work the system. I’m really sorry. Keep taking time to stay calm and give yourself time. Maybe you’re worried about your family member… Good luck

100%

Act normal, go back to uk with his permission. Don’t come back

Namechangeragin · 02/08/2025 20:43

Op do not tell him.
My aim would be to find a way back to the UK together asap, a family emergency for example, and then refuse to go back.

How long have you been in your current location? Which one of you has the visa?

You really must not say anything. You are potentially in a very dangerous position regarding the children and you cannot risk him knowing.

And he’s a liar - you know that 100%. He is happy to lie to your face, he does it easily and willingly. He is not your friend.

Franklyyes · 02/08/2025 20:44

do you have a uk passport? Can you take the children to the uk for a break to see family/friends? Or to your home country if not uk. Say you want to have a short break …Then seek legal advice. If you stay where you are you will never be free and he will have the children

just seen what others have said - family emergency etc. please make plans

Nestingbirds · 02/08/2025 20:44

In your place I would ask my parents to fly the dc and I home due to a family bereavement and take legal advice in your home country. You can ask for legal protection.

I wouldn’t say a word about your suspicions. Once home you can sort out the cancellation or relet of your current house. I think a shared arrangement is possible if he agrees to a place you have equal rights and not the ME. I wouldn’t stay and run the risk.

Namechangeragin · 02/08/2025 20:45

If he’s cheating he may be very keen to get you back home and out of his way for a week or two. So he may be happy for you to visit a sick relative - make sure they know what is going on so they don’t drop you in it.

Namechangeragin · 02/08/2025 20:47

Also clear your browsing history and make sure it cannot be checked in any way. If he’s cheating it’s very common for a cheat to think their spouse is cheating. So he’s likely to look through your stuff.

Magicwand80 · 02/08/2025 20:48

Sending a handhold

Driftingawaynow · 02/08/2025 20:50

I also think you need to play it 100% cool, find a way back to the UK and then seek legal advice. Do not let him know that you are aware at any stage. In some cases, the UK family court will order the return of a child to the UAE, it depends on lots of factors. Worst case in order to not be separated from your children you might simply have to stay with him longer term. But legal advice in the Uk rests on you making it out safely and possibly having to lie to Uk court about what has happened.

Driftingawaynow · 02/08/2025 20:52

Sending you a hug OP. You’re obv in shock right now, feign a headache when he does come back, create some space. You’ll think clearer when you feel calmer which you will do

Wetoldyousaurus · 02/08/2025 20:57

I think you need to hide what you know extremely well and be prepared to get back to the UK in secret with your children. This may not be possible right away, but it’s extremely important that your husband thinks everything is fine. That is, if your husband is cheating and if you want to leave him and if you want to keep your children. Can you organise a ‘holiday’ back to the UK? Do you have supportive family in the UK who can help you once you arrive ?

Once you are in the UK you may be subject to a challenge under The Hague Convention, if he doesn’t want to live in the UK and share custody with you there. It depends on which country he is from and on how much he wants custody. With any luck he will be happy to move on with his life and leave you alone.

The safest thing for you now is to save up enough money to fly back to the UK with your children, and get a lawyer there. It will be easiest because you will be dealing in English, in a country of your own citizenship. It’s also very important that your children have UK citizenship - please get this organised if at all possible if they do not and make sure they have up to date UK passports. Save the money and sort the citizenship before anything else. You need those ducks in a row. Put on your best actress pants and do not let on to your husband that you are anything other than a happy family until you are safely in the UK all with the protection of UK citizenship.

Driftingawaynow · 02/08/2025 20:57

Namechangeragin · 02/08/2025 20:53

Ok is already really stressing and aware of the danger she is in. is this helpful?