DH is outside, caught in a lie

[Wishthereweremorecrumpets]

Apologies, I’m currently shaking. I’ve just realised I’ve caught out DH in lies as to where he’s been. DH works nights and often six days a week, returning back late at the weekend. He’s told me he’s been going out with a friend a few times as he’s been signed off work following minor surgery. He said he went out with him last night before his mate goes off on holiday. Well, I get on well with his friend so just text him to say have a wonderful trip and asked when he’s off. Turns out he’s already there and was asking how DH is after his surgery.
I feel like such an absolute mug to believe he would be getting in at 6am with mates, he is a night owl because of the night shifts but I’m an idiot.
He’s out again now and not answering the phone. We’ve two DC 7 and 2, not in or from the same country either. Any hand holds?

Any chance of getting on a plane with the kids and come back to UK, might need to cut your losses on material items but good you already have split finances.

Doing a runner leaves OP in a horrid position, though. She's recently started her well-paid job, has put up the security deposit/advance on their home, and her SN child is in a very suitable school. She likes everything about it except being married to a liar ...

It could work out well depending on the kind of support she has at home - but (I hate saying this) it could also be worth sticking it out, at least while she lines everything up and finds out about the legal environment: can a man be divorced or adultery, for instance, and what proof is needed? What happens if she gets him to divorce her? Can a woman rent property by herself; what are the financial implications of divorce or separation; can the 7-year rule be varied?

I'm really sorry for what you're going through, @Wishthereweremorecrumpets. It's horrible, feels like you've stepped through some kind of distorting mirror. I advise keeping your powder dry and seeing what kind of support you can muster, both where you are and at home

This. Stay calm and manufacture an emergency situation at home where you need to take the children to the UK for a visit. Good luck OP. ♥️

The risks are too high to stay where she is in my view. A well paid job isn’t going to count for much if he removes her children.

Don’t let on to him that you know. Make up a reason to get yourself and your kids back to the UK or your home country if you’re not from the UK. You have very few rights with regards to the kids.

It could be innocent. He’s been ok up to now, no need to automatically assume he’s with another woman. Does he have relatives that live in that area?

Very sweet of you, @GentleJadeOP! People don't lie to their friends about their whereabouts when spending a night with their Auntie Fatima 🤔

If it’s all innocent, then why did he lie??

Are your parents in the UK?

I think I'd be coming to UK for a 'holiday' with the kids and never going back.

Are kids automatically Muslim though just because their dad is?

Can you not them christened in the UK?

You need to check whether the country you are and his home country are signed up to the Hague Convention. If they are you will likely not to be able to leave with the children. Knowledge is power.

Just like you can’t take tye dcs back to the U.K. wo his agreement, he can’t take the DCs to live in his home country wo your approval.

I know you say you have no money etc…
But your need to good legal advice is huge. If you have a CC, use it. If you can borrow some money from family. Whatever. But you really need to put that as a priority.

And YY to you having caught something. Don’t tell him anything until you’ve taken a decision on how to play your hand

Do you have family/friends? Tell them what’s going on, they may be supportive and able to give you financial, legal or moral support.

Frankly I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes in a Muslim country separating from a Muslim man, cause generally speaking the men have more rights than women. But ultimately you decided to move there and raise your kids there, so I assume it can’t be all bad? You may have to get comfortable with the idea of your children being raised in that country and in his custody, but again I assume at the you were happy with the idea of that hence why you proceeded. I’m guessing you’re also happy with the standard of schooling they offer and the standard of care he provides, so your children might be okay overall? Your choice basically comes down to whether you personally want to stay in that country, whether you visit, whether you split your time, it might be the case your kids move to the uk when they are old enough to decide?

Very bad advice.
It would be called abduction. The OP would loose her dcs over that

I feel like everyone is panicking and jumping to conclusions. I’d try give it a day or two and find out what’s actually going on before doing anything drastic. Hope for your sake OP that you get a honest reason as to why he is lying. I wonder if you already guessed something was going on? By the way you texted his friend, it’s the sort of thing us women do when we have a sixth sense that something is suspicious or we are being lied to. Take a few hours to think through calmly what’s happening and try get an answer from him . Good luck x

Ok long game. Could you make plans with him to move back to your home country?

This. But even then you must take legal advice - it might be you that abducts them even if you are bringing them to the uk. If you are french, and the children born in Spain and Spanish and you live in Spain and he is from Greece. Returning to France and taking the children is bad news as the children are Spanish and live in Spain. Keep passports for all of you locked in a box at work and tell no one. Absolutely no one. What money does he have access to.

he is having an affair - you know that? STI check etc

So sorry you are going through this

Not necessarily. Certainly not in UK.

Just trying to reassure at this stage as none of us know why he’s lied to her. There still could be a valid reason

You need to move back to the UK. Put the flights on your credit card. Just go.

RTFT. OP isn’t in the UK and has been looking up what happens in the Middle Eastern country where they’re currently living.

So sorry you are in this position OP (unless there's an innocent explanation). Your head must be scrambled...

The suggestion that you should contact GlobalARRK is a good one. They can give you expert advice on potential barriers to returning to the UK should you decide you want/need to do that at any point, now or in the future. They also support 'stuck' parents who are not able to return home but who would like to.

For those who say just get back to the UK, it's not that simple. Taking your children out of the country without permission of the other parent can mean that you fall foul of an international treaty called the Hague Abduction Convention. 103 countries are signed up to it - please check if the country you are in is a signatory (https://www.hcch.net/en/instruments/conventions/status-table/?cid=24). More info here https://www.hague-mothers.org.uk/ but essentially your children would be speedily returned to the country you are currently living in and you are then at a serious disadvantage in any custody case since you are labelled an 'abductor'.

Given that you like your job, and are well-paid, it would probably be safest to try to find a 'friendly' way through this with the aim of co-parenting. I hope that's possible. ❤

seems to be the standard Mumsnet response, leaving is the hardest part, I wish people would consider that before posting it. It’s not helpful is it ?

OP try to stay calm and get sensible legal advice. Good idea to feign mild illness so you can be a bit distant for a few days.