Therapy session 2 and feeling more insecure with fiance

[togo1004]

Finished session 2 with therapy. She addressed why my vision might become blurry when I’m stressed. She thinks that my brain doesn’t want me to see something and that stress is the trigger for it.

we dove deeper into my childhood trauma and talked more about myself. We have not reached diagnosis stage as we have a wide arrange of things to cover.

im currently traveling in China with my fiancé. We’ve already gotten into a few arguments but nothing major I see a big improvement already. I’d like your feedback on what the issue is, If it’s indeed my problem again and how I can address it better next time.

i know I don’t have the best diet. He’s been reminding me to drink water this entire time and I have a hard time drinking water if it’s not cold and when I’m full. We went out to get coffee and I suddenly got dizzy and passed out. I woke up a few seconds later and he shoved a bunch of candy in my mouth and forced me to eat it. I felt better in about 5 minutes and he carried me back to our hotel.

he looked so worried and he started telling me that he suspects I might be either diabetic and has hypoglycemia or have extremely low blood pressure. Either way it’s not good. Then he went on about how I really need to stop eating fried food and sugary things and focus on hydration and getting minerals in my body. I got so annoyed and got loud and said that I’ve been this way my whole life and it’s perfectly normal.

then he started listing things and saying things like “passing out in the middle of the street is normal?”
he went on about how I’m always tired, always have a headache, has mental disorders and thinks it’s largely contributed by my diet and life style. He went on about how he’s never seen me eat a salad or vegetables or fruit. He said “you can’t just live on pasta and fried food and soda”

He said that I’m likely malnutritioned and dehydrated for years and that unless I change it’s going to destroy my body. Ive felt so violated that I started crying. Now im just exhausted and want to go home.

i told him to stop commenting on how i eat because ill likely develop bulimia because of his comments. He literally told me that if I don’t change my life style he’s going to call off the marriage because he says “I will not marry someone who doesn’t prioritize health”. I told him that he cannot control me as it’s my body and it’s my choice on how I eat and live.

that evening I tried to make love to him and he turned me down saying that I’m not well and he thinks I might pass out during sex. I felt like he just didn’t want me at all..felt so rejected. He said that I’m still cold sweating looks pale and that I should really stop eating fried noodles and eat some salad and drink 2 liters of water today and do this everyday and he just went to sleep.

I know I’m not diabetic from tests a while
back but I did take blood pressure the next morning at a pharmacy near by and my bp came back hypotension.

we were ok that day went to pool but he won’t touch me the way he used to and I’m feeling insecure.

did i handle this ok? It didn’t escalate into a big fight but was thinking it’s my body my choice the right thing to say in this point? His point is that it’s selfish because he’s the one responsible for medical bills for us and that I should be taking care of my health for both of us as he does the same.

Seeing the person you love pass out is terrifying.

if you are going to refuse to take any measures to care for yourself and try to prevent it from happening again, you may find you don’t have a fiancé much longer.

standing by the side of someone who is sick and trying to get better is very different than watching someone let themselves get hurt.

Your diet sounds irresponsible, your choice, but his choice to walk away if he doesn't want to live with it.

TBH you sound incompatible, you dont care about health and fitness, and he does, I dont really see a happy medium here. I dont see why normal basic diet advice is going to make you feel violated or give you bulimia? Also, your health sounds very poor, and it sounds as if you are not taking any adult responsibility at all for looking after yourself, which gets very boring, very fast

Blurred vision could be blood pressure spikes, couldn't it?

Passing out is not remotely normal, and instead of realising that you’re like he ‘shoved lollies into my mouth’. He was scared, if you were diabetic it’d have been lifesaving and his mind was racing through all kinds of options. Not eating healthy food is pretty self destructive and water is essential. I’d say he loves you and is panicking. Personally, I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t prioritise their health. You need a diet reboot and a doctor not a therapist and to stop taking it out on your partner because you don’t want to face reality so you’re getting mad at him instead. If he’s correct that you barely ever eat salad or fruit or vegetables or drink water, your health and blood pressure is bad, then THAT is your problem and your partner is just being honest.

Because he guilt trips me everytime I want ice cream or something. Were on vacation I want to eat what I want. He stopped saying things since last fight but I felt guilty about eating snacks and ice cream.

his point was that of course hes trying to deter me from eating unhealthy foods because he thinks I’m unwell mentally and physically and that I need a drastic change in life style if not I’m going to hurt myself later and in turn hurt people around me as well.

Like I said, you sound incompatible, he wants you to eat normally, you dont want him to tell you what to do, and you dont want to eat like a normal adult. Can't see the point in this relationship. You sound like a rebellious teen and a despairing parent rather than a partnership of equals

But I’m really trying. I just keep forgetting to drink water and have a hard time controlling my cravings.

I just wanna eat pasta and pizza all the time..

🤔

Hypotension, headaches , fainting and extreme fatigue are all symptoms of chronic dehydration. You may also not feel thirsty bizarrely. I think you may be astounded at the difference fluids can make. My adult daughter also finds it hard to drink enough and has these issues also finds blood super slow when she has blood tests. It doesn’t have to be water, she now drinks loads of squash which has helped enormously. Perhaps start with liquid then diet then look at other issues when you have met your bodies basic needs. Best of luck, your fiancé sounds like he was scared by your fainting and us just trying to make sure it doesn’t happen again, not the best way of doing that perhaps…

He clearly wants better for you than you do for yourself. If you keeping pushing back he’ll walk away.

Quite.

OK, you have deeply disordered eating patterns and a disregard of your physical health that approaches self-harm. You're defensive of your habits to the point where you'd prefer undermining your relationship to changing them. Do you know where this comes from? I definitely think you need the therapy, and am actually worried that your therapist doesn't seem to see the issues. Have you told her about all this, in honesty?

Regarding your relationship, it looks most likely that your fiancé has good reason to be worried about what you're doing to yourself. It's heartbreaking to want the best for someone who won't help herself; he may have to remove himself for his own protection. My siblings said it was like watching a car crash in slow motion (I was drinking too much) and there was nothing they could do to stop it happening.

I'm usually quick to call coercive control, but I don't think that's what we're seeing here. We're seeing desperate, near-defeated concern.

Do you know what your fiancé loves about you? Would you agree that you have loveable, valuable qualities; do you know what they are? Are you someone who deserves to take good care of herself?

Do you post a lot about this @togo1004 ?
I'm getting reminders of a similar controlling poster who was also very dramatic, needy and controlling over everything her partner did.

Oh it is you. Sad your poor abused fiance hasn't escaped your narcissist relationship.
Have you stopped recording him in the shower?

Heck, is this the same poster?

In that case, @togo1004, your relationship with your self needs far more work than any relationships you have with other people. Maybe start by being honest with your therapist. Good luck

Well he loves me because I’m loyal, not materialistic, and we get along pretty well. He also says that I try really hard to make things work which is a big positive for him. He used to say that I was one of the most empathetic person he’s ever met but he changed his mind recently when we spoke about the children in Gaza.

he donates every month is does Sunday prayers at home now for the children and just overall goodness in the world and I told him that it sounded cultish. And he said that well you don’t sound too empathetic.

Yep, 🙄

You are still emotionally blackmailing your poor fiance. You’ve moved from saying you’d kill yourself if you split up to saying he’ll make you bulimic.

Go home to Russia. Take some time with proper mental health support. Stop eating like a seven-year-old and FGS let the poor man recover from two toxic relationships on the trot.

Here comes another 40-page thread about why OP is right and nobody is validating her (massively unreasonable) feelings.

How is it a blackmail when I feel like I’ll develop bulimia if I don’t fulfill my emotional hunger. If I crave ice cream I need to eat it or I’ll binge eat on something similar.

snd he always tries to offer fruit instead of ice cream and it’s extremely annoying and controlling

“I’d like your feedback on what the issue is, If it’s indeed my problem again and how I can address it better next time.”

You’ve been told many times.
You are manipulative. You are not compatible with your fiancé. Leave him alone. You are hard work.

Loving relationships aren’t supposed to be like this!

Stop with the therapy talk blackmail, that’s you being manipulative here. He is not going to cause you to have bulimia, your mental health is on you, and him telling you to eat healthily in a very normal way is not the cause of it. He isn’t being controlling, he’s being honest, but if you really feel that way dump him. And live your unhealthy life.

Fascinating that you can see controlling behaviours in other people, just not yourself.

Of course it’s blackmail. And it is also yet another example of your general passivity - this will happen to me because I have no agency and cannot control my feelings / responses to perfectly normal situations.

I can’t tell if you’re starting another thread to get a reaction, or you’re just a glutton for punishment, as you sure as hell aren’t open to being told you’re being unreasonable!

I think it’s simple, you either start looking after your health or your fiancé will walk, and understandably so. You sound like a petulant teenager rather than a grown woman. You need to get to the root cause of why you feel your body isn’t worthy of good nutrition and why you have such low impulse control, and then actually be accountable for your actions rather than blaming others.

I’d also ditch the therapist, it’s highly unlikely the blurred vision is down to a protective measure and every bit likely it’s down to your poor diet and dehydration, it’s dangerous to think otherwise given you’re at a point where you’re passing out in the street.

Saying you’ll ‘likely’ develop bulimia was an idiotic thing to say. It’s not something you suddenly develop from advice on your health when he never even mentioned weight or size. I was bulimic, it swiftly stops being a choice and becomes a deadly compulsion. It kills. Saying that was childish and manipulative.

He’s right that you should take care of your health. Expecting him to foot the bill of your self destruction is bizarre.

Saying you’ll ‘likely’ develop bulimia was an idiotic thing to say. It’s not something you suddenly develop from advice on your health when he never even mentioned weight or size. I was bulimic, it swiftly stops being a choice and becomes a deadly compulsion. It kills. Saying that was childish and manipulative.

He’s right that you should take care of your health. Expecting him to foot the bill of your self destruction is bizarre.