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Original poster

DH won't let DC go away with my family

194 replies

ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 13:24

Grateful for some advice. Me and DH have two DS, 3 and 6yo. 6yo is autistic & has fairly significant additional needs.

I have quite a large and close extended family. My mum has booked a farmhouse for a weekend at end of Aug for a big family gathering which will include my sister and BiL. No dogs allowed. We've been there before and it was lovely.

DH won't come to the weekend as he is upset about something that happened at Easter last year. We were at my parents house & sister & BiL were there at the same time. We were eating lunch & their dog was under the table & snuffling around my kids, licking their toes etc. My kids aren't used to dogs & thought it was hilarious. They were very giggly & not concentrating on eating. DH asked BiL to control his dog & BiL refused to put the dog in another room (I think as it would start barking). DH was extremely upset about this & says it was incredibly rude & inconsiderate of BiL. DH was also very upset that I didn't back him up & I don't see it as a big thing.

So DH is refusing to go to the weekend. That's fine, but the problem is that he won't let me take DC. As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair.

I feel really upset as I feel that he's stopping the kids spending time with my family and dividing me from my family. He says I can go alone, but I really want my kids to spend time with my family and it will be nice for them to have time in the countryside (we live in a flat in London without a usable garden).

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?

Thanks so much for reading this far.

OP posts:
Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 30/07/2025 13:27

You tell him both dc are deserving of a holiday and which one does he love less that should stay home....
He sounds like a controlling twat.

BaronessBomburst · 30/07/2025 13:28

I think that you should put your foot down and take both children! He's being a complete prick.

Sweatybettyinthisheat · 30/07/2025 13:32

Is he always so rigid in his thinking? Why does he think you can't manage your own 2DC on public transport on your own fgs?

ilovelamp82 · 30/07/2025 13:32

Of course you do. He doesn't get to 'let' you take your children anywhere. He's not thinking of yours or their best interests, he's having a tantrum. If you were putting your kids in danger, he could express his reservations. That is not what's happening here.
No one gets to tell me what I do with my children. No one.
Is he controlling in other ways?

Squishymallows · 30/07/2025 13:34

I think you should take both children. You all deserve a nice time. Husband is choosing not to go, he is invited. Husband is being incredibly controlling!!!!

MageQueen · 30/07/2025 13:35

So this has alarm bells ringing all over the place. The dog was not scaring the children and he's now gone NC with your family because of a dog that wasn't an issue? And now he's trying, in effect, to make you NC or at least LC with your family by restricting the children's time with them?

Do you always have to go with him places as the bus/train rule is always in place? or is it just for this holiday?

I can only assume this is the tip of the controlling iceberg and that there's actually a million other things going on.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 30/07/2025 13:35

You should go and take both, unfair on the other to just take one. Tell him he can come or not but you and kids are definitely going

naomisno1fan · 30/07/2025 13:35

This is coercive control.

you tell him you are taking both kids. You take both kids. If he does t like it he can go cry to a judge.

Blanketwrap · 30/07/2025 13:36

I agree with DH you can't take one.

Tell him that once you're seperated, he'll have no say at all in how DC spend their time with you.

Fwiw though, I think he was right about the dog!

Meadowfinch · 30/07/2025 13:37

Is your DH's concern you travelling with two children, one of whom has additional needs, and if something happens you won't be able to cope?

Or is it that he doesn't like dogs and thinks his children being licked is pretty unhygienic (which it is)? Is he concerned the dog may bite? Emphasise that dogs aren't allowed in the farmhouse.

Or it it that your BIL ignored his request, and he feels disrespected, not helped by you not backing him up in front of your family and children? Being honest, I wouldn't go on a holiday if I thought my partner was going gang up on me with all his family. That would be a pretty miserable holiday.

I think you need to understand why he isn't happy for them to go. Talk to him. Then talk to your BIL and try to broker a peace deal.

CallMeFlo · 30/07/2025 13:37

Theyre your children too. He doesnf get to refuse anything. He might not be happy but tough. Put your foot down and tell him youre going

99bottlesofkombucha · 30/07/2025 13:39

You take both children, and tell him you could leave one but then he would have to explain to the child why he’d decided the child couldn’t go on the weekend away, and have his child feel like his dads punishing him, and you don’t want your children to think him nasty like that, you love them both and they both deserve a lovely weekend away so you are taking both. And while you can’t make him spend time with them, your children will most definitely be spending time with your family. So you can try to rip them screaming from my arms and traumatise them and I call the police about their abusive dad, or I go with both of them, and you spend the weekend reminding yourself I’m a person too, they are my children too, and nobody died and made you god.

ComfortFoodCafe · 30/07/2025 13:41

Just take both children. Tell him hes not punishing the children just because he wants to hold a werid grudge.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 30/07/2025 13:41

Whether he's right or not about the dogs, there aren't going to be any there this time, he has no right to dictate what she can and can't do

Terrribletwos · 30/07/2025 13:41

So your DH is refusing to go and demanding your kids don't go either because of this previous incident with the dog. Whilst, I would be a little upset about your BIL refusing to control the dog I think this is a red herring. Is your DH upset because your BIL refused to control his dog and now he feels somehow emasculated?

You need to talk to your DH about what exactly his concerns are. Is there more to this, it seems daft and spiteful that he is refusing your kids go.

Jumpthewaves · 30/07/2025 13:42

Your dh sounds a bit pathetic, he needs to buck up, get over himself and enjoy a trip with his children and your family. You and the children deserve better than this nonsense.

Owlteapot · 30/07/2025 13:43

I would guess this is not the only way he tries to control you.
Go on the holiday with both children and take the time to think about what he adds to all of your lives

wizzywig · 30/07/2025 13:45

Does yr husband have a diagnosis too?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/07/2025 13:48

wizzywig · 30/07/2025 13:45

Does yr husband have a diagnosis too?

Yes. An abusive, controlling prick. HTH.

OP, take the kids and maybe just don't ever go back?

notatinydancer · 30/07/2025 13:49

Your husband is a controlling twat. He wouldn’t be telling me where I could or couldn’t take my own children.

Icanttakethisanymore · 30/07/2025 13:49

Of course you should take them. You're not doing anything dangerous that a reasonable person would object to and you want to go, so go. If he objected sufficiently I would genuinely leave him; I could not be dictated to like this.

SunDash · 30/07/2025 13:56

Your DH sounds like a controlling bully. You'll have to stand up to him sooner or later

MzHz · 30/07/2025 13:56

This is a hill to die on @ByCheeryWasp

put your foot down now and set the precedent that you are a parent, the kids need access to their wider family and he can go or not, but it won’t change how you bring them up.

ImAPreMadonna · 30/07/2025 13:56

God, he’s an insufferable arse isn’t he?

To be angry at your BIL for not removing the dog is one (unreasonable) thing but to refuse to go on any other holiday? Arsehole behaviour.

To stop you from taking your kids? Double arsehole behaviour.

To ‘not allow you … NOT ALLOW YOU!’ to get public transport without him?! Off the scale arsehole behaviour.

RigIt · 30/07/2025 13:59

Why is it up to him? He’s being controlling. In your shoes I’ve have told him that I would be taking them, he’s welcome to come but if he doesn’t want to that is if course his choice.

Tbh the fact he is taking the stance he is over such a minor event is a huge red flag. He sounds arrogant and as if he doesn’t like people not doing exactly as he wants. Your bil didn’t kowtow and so he’s now not only said he won’t participate in any family events, but wants to punish you and everyone in your family by stopping them having a relationship with the children. Extremely worrying behaviour. And it suggests he’s often like this, or reacts badly when you assert yourself, the fact that you are trying to find a compromise to his unreasonable demands?