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Original poster

DH won't let DC go away with my family

194 replies

ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 13:24

Grateful for some advice. Me and DH have two DS, 3 and 6yo. 6yo is autistic & has fairly significant additional needs.

I have quite a large and close extended family. My mum has booked a farmhouse for a weekend at end of Aug for a big family gathering which will include my sister and BiL. No dogs allowed. We've been there before and it was lovely.

DH won't come to the weekend as he is upset about something that happened at Easter last year. We were at my parents house & sister & BiL were there at the same time. We were eating lunch & their dog was under the table & snuffling around my kids, licking their toes etc. My kids aren't used to dogs & thought it was hilarious. They were very giggly & not concentrating on eating. DH asked BiL to control his dog & BiL refused to put the dog in another room (I think as it would start barking). DH was extremely upset about this & says it was incredibly rude & inconsiderate of BiL. DH was also very upset that I didn't back him up & I don't see it as a big thing.

So DH is refusing to go to the weekend. That's fine, but the problem is that he won't let me take DC. As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair.

I feel really upset as I feel that he's stopping the kids spending time with my family and dividing me from my family. He says I can go alone, but I really want my kids to spend time with my family and it will be nice for them to have time in the countryside (we live in a flat in London without a usable garden).

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?

Thanks so much for reading this far.

OP posts:
kittenkipping · 30/07/2025 13:59

This is so controlling of dh. You are not obliged to always “back him up” if you disagree with his stance. That does not mean you and your family are ganging up on him- it means you disagree with him on that stance. No more or less. His ott reaction and ongoing control, and cruelty in denying his children a holiday and a relationship with their family, out of what seems to be spite, casts him in a very poor light op. Is he always this controlling? Because he seems intent on isolating you from your family by causing friction?

dogcatkitten · 30/07/2025 14:09

He can go with you all and come straight back then go back and escort you all home again (if he doesn't think you are capable of managing two children on public transport) or get his head straight and stay, it's only a weekend and no dogs if that's what's worrying him.

FeedingPidgeons · 30/07/2025 14:13

He won't "let you"

Is he your dad? Your boss? WTF

Just go.

Skybluepinky · 30/07/2025 14:15

And you are still with him, more fool you, take both children on holiday.

AnonAnonmystery · 30/07/2025 14:15

Very controlling behaviour… even with your bil not removing the dog seems he was unnecessarily offended. Possibly a narcissist?

Starlight7080 · 30/07/2025 14:22

Wow he sounds very controlling. And unreasonable.
How did you get to the point that he dictates to you what you can and cant do with your own children.
You need to make him see he is being very controlling and longterm this is not good behaviour for your marriage or children .

AuntMarch · 30/07/2025 14:23

Well of course you should put your foot down and take your children! I would die on that hill to be honest, he would be welcome to leave me over it if he wanted to.

Was your husbands issue the hygiene/risk of a bite from the dog, or the fact your children were giggling and not concentrating on eating. The first, fair enough but the second, quite sad... it seems odd to have said it in your post if it wasn't relevant though.

If it was to do with their table manners or whatever, this travel issue obviously isn't the first indication of him being controlling (and him holding a grudge when he doesnt get his own way fits in with that too). And the fact you've asked this as though you aren't sure of the answer rather than it just being a rant about your husband being a dick.... Is there more to this, and are you ok?

autienotnaughty · 30/07/2025 14:27

I would say you come or not but I am taking both children.

if travelling solo is a genuine concern can u go with family

Alltheyellowbirds · 30/07/2025 14:28

Your husband doesn’t “let” you take your children on public transport?

neilyoungismyhero · 30/07/2025 14:32

The father here is getting a lot of stick. My youngest grandchild occasionally had huge meltdowns on his way to school. His elder sibling is on the spectrum but a very placid individual until his brother kicked off then he would become super anxious as he could sense the danger of his brother launching himself across the road as could I. It was a nightmare situation at times. Maybe husband views this the same way.
Re the dog situation I would just have put them on a lead under the table and kept them close (understand the barking issue). They did disrespect your husband's concerns which was wrong.
Maybe time to build bridges this break as the dogs are banned and have a proper chat

TizerorFizz · 30/07/2025 14:33

Your DH has special needs!! He’s unreasonable and childish. How miserable for you.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/07/2025 14:36

He is still sulking / brooding over a tint thing that happened 16 months ago ?!!! WOW

Who made him boss of your whole family.

Stand up for yourself and your children, you grew them for 9 months and gave birth to them, get these children on a bus !

Your life with him will only get worse if you allow it and enable him to behave this way, and he will have cut you off from your birth family...

Make sure you tell your parents etc how controlling he is.
as i think you are going to need back up.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 30/07/2025 14:50

MageQueen · 30/07/2025 13:35

So this has alarm bells ringing all over the place. The dog was not scaring the children and he's now gone NC with your family because of a dog that wasn't an issue? And now he's trying, in effect, to make you NC or at least LC with your family by restricting the children's time with them?

Do you always have to go with him places as the bus/train rule is always in place? or is it just for this holiday?

I can only assume this is the tip of the controlling iceberg and that there's actually a million other things going on.

This.

Lafufufu · 30/07/2025 14:52

Jesus - who made him boss of everything..
I'd put them in the car and go.

Its your family. Their "crimes" are ludicrous.
Such a non event

your DH sounds horrible

lizzyBennet08 · 30/07/2025 14:53

Honestly you lost me at "he won't let me"

Theyreeatingthedogs · 30/07/2025 14:54

neilyoungismyhero · 30/07/2025 14:32

The father here is getting a lot of stick. My youngest grandchild occasionally had huge meltdowns on his way to school. His elder sibling is on the spectrum but a very placid individual until his brother kicked off then he would become super anxious as he could sense the danger of his brother launching himself across the road as could I. It was a nightmare situation at times. Maybe husband views this the same way.
Re the dog situation I would just have put them on a lead under the table and kept them close (understand the barking issue). They did disrespect your husband's concerns which was wrong.
Maybe time to build bridges this break as the dogs are banned and have a proper chat

Can't disagree more and I'm not a dog person. His DC were enjoying the dog. He is a controlling git. I see no comparison in your story to this one. OP should take the kids on holiday and leave old grumpy to sulk.

OneNewLeader · 30/07/2025 14:54

Is he usually this petty? Of course you should take both children away from this controlling fun sponge. Also, learn to drive, you’ll be very grateful down the line.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2025 14:56

He isn't the manager, you aren't staff. Fine to talk through his concerns, not fine to forbid you.

And yes, this is LTB territory. If you split up, on your time, you can take them.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/07/2025 14:57

I think he was right about the dog, I'd have been annoyed too and I don't see why you couldn't back him up.

However, everything else he's done shows him to be an abusive controlling twat. Take your children away with you.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/07/2025 14:58

What a ridiculous thing to fall out about. I can understand your DH being slightly peeved and having a few words with your sister/BIL but to go no contact is ridiculous and controlling.

chilliheeler123 · 30/07/2025 14:58

He’s a controlling prick, OP.

Go on the weekend (with both kids!) and use the time away from him to decide if he’s worth going back to.

Epidote · 30/07/2025 15:02

I would take both kids.
He has two points in my opinion. A dog place is not under a table liking kids feet but that is something different. The other point is, if you as default won't travel with both kids at the time on your own I get why he doesn't want to change that now just because suits the holiday thing, remember he does want to go and is trying to make it difficult for you. Rules are made to evolve and be changed when they get obsolete or something particular is happening.
Kids will love the holidays and no dogs are involved, I see that as a bigger point to take them both that the ones your husband has.
Fine if he doesn't want to go, not fine to punish the kids and you just because he got annoyed last year.

Emma543 · 30/07/2025 15:04

It’s really sad he’s willing to let his kids miss out on a trip away for his own petty tantrum. I’d be packing our stuff and going

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2025 15:21

"Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?"
I would do a hell of a lot more than put my foot down! I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that he is being a total drama llama and he is not the boss of you. You WILL be taking both children with you, it would be great if he could get the fuck over himself and join you, but if he wants to retire to his fainting couch with smelling salts then he can just crack on.

"As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive)."
Again I'd be ripping him a new one. There is no 'let'. If you feel you can transport the two of them safely on the bus, that is all that matters.

Your husband can only be a controlling prick if you are passive and allow it. Stand up for yourself and tell him to back the fuck off, just because he's having a hissy fit over a past event you will NOT allow him to isolate you and the children from your family (which I suspect is his aim). You could even take the view that you are doing your husband a favour by telling him no - it will slow and possibly stop completely his descent into being a controlling prick who has alienated his wife and children.

Original poster
ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 15:24

Thanks so much for your responses. Someone asked if DH has a diagnosis, yes he is autistic as well. This means he can have quite rigid thinking and i think is part of the reason he's held onto the issue with the dog, he finds it hard to let go of things. I think the initial problem was just that DC were distracted from their food but then the bigger issue was that BiL prioritised his dog over our DC and he was very upset by that. I think that's a reasonable viewpoint but not something to hang onto for so long.

I try to accept that DH has a different way of thinking about things but I find it difficult.

In relation to the public transport thing, I should have said he is extremely anxious and constantly worried about the kids getting hurt. He is worried about ASD 6yo running off of the bus etc, even though he hasn't done that before. He is too anxious to take them both on public transport by himself and so won't let me take them anywhere on the bus by myself. I feel relatively confident travelling with them, but i accept he would feel very anxious if i did so. I know when I say 'won't let me' it sounds crazy to some people but that's just how it feels to me.

Thanks for all your help

OP posts:
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