DH won't let DC go away with my family

[ByCheeryWasp]

Grateful for some advice. Me and DH have two DS, 3 and 6yo. 6yo is autistic & has fairly significant additional needs.

I have quite a large and close extended family. My mum has booked a farmhouse for a weekend at end of Aug for a big family gathering which will include my sister and BiL. No dogs allowed. We've been there before and it was lovely.

DH won't come to the weekend as he is upset about something that happened at Easter last year. We were at my parents house & sister & BiL were there at the same time. We were eating lunch & their dog was under the table & snuffling around my kids, licking their toes etc. My kids aren't used to dogs & thought it was hilarious. They were very giggly & not concentrating on eating. DH asked BiL to control his dog & BiL refused to put the dog in another room (I think as it would start barking). DH was extremely upset about this & says it was incredibly rude & inconsiderate of BiL. DH was also very upset that I didn't back him up & I don't see it as a big thing.

So DH is refusing to go to the weekend. That's fine, but the problem is that he won't let me take DC. As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair.

I feel really upset as I feel that he's stopping the kids spending time with my family and dividing me from my family. He says I can go alone, but I really want my kids to spend time with my family and it will be nice for them to have time in the countryside (we live in a flat in London without a usable garden).

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?

Thanks so much for reading this far.

While you are busy making his excuses for being controlling, he can go to the GP and get help / medication for his ' anxiety '.

bigger issue was that BiL prioritised his dog over our DC

But DC were happy, and a barking dog would have been worse for everyone.

As a family his insecurities shouldn’t be allowed to impact the experiences and opportunities of his children. If you never travel, never use public transport etc - how will they learn what they should do or boundaries etc. he is restricting and stifling his family and if he has issues he should seek help instead of expecting you all to be made smaller with him. Children will not grow and flourish with his thinking and actions.

But anyway, if its his own anxiety, he can travel with you if he wants to. He can not tell you that you aren't allowed to take them. He has choices, but that's not one of them.

Option 1- he acknowledges that he is holding a grudge that is way out of proportion and comes for the weekend.
Option 2- He travels with you and goes home again (or stays elsewhere)
Option 3- He stays at home and accepts you are an adult aware of your own capabilities when it comes to the children.

Regardless of what happens next (other than him apologising profusely and getting counselling) your husband is clearly showing you that you are property that needs permission. He is not one bit interested in the inner worlds of his children or yourself. He is confident in his right to control you via emotional pain.

Would you want anyone you to love to try maintaining a relationship with someone who treats them so poorly?

I think you should both talk. Putting the foot down doesn’t work in the long term. I’d say this is less black and white than people are thinking it is - you all need to get to a place where your dh and family can get along, I’ve a friend who doesn’t go to her in laws for big family get togethers and their family is so splintered, the kids say it regularly and there’s loads of arguments

Have I just stepped back to the 1950s, or maybe Gilead. He won't let you take the kids. Wtf. How are things otherwise because this is not normal.

Yes. His actions and thoughts spelled out SEN to me. People that don’t get help are not great spouses or parents. Your dc aren’t being helped by him are they. Plus bil is responsible for the dog. I’d go to the holiday. Don’t let him stop dc being part of their family. It’s not reasonable.

Does Dh have anxieties about germs? I’m most likely autistic and I don’t control my husbands behaviour or decisions about what he does when with the children. How would he handle a split where you had to have the children on your own? I’m calling this as control and not mental health. He might have asd but I’m assuming this wasn’t an arranged marriage? You dated and fell in love so he probably was able at some point to demonstrate empathy?

His anxiety and autism don't get to control your life OP and they do not get to isolate you and your DC from your (and their) family.
Tell him you are going. He can either come to help on PT or he can sit home and sulk.

I do think BIL was a bit off prioritising the dog but would probably let it go.

I have a SEN child and would prefer to travel with a second adult and I’m not neurodivergent. But it depends on the child/children doesn’t it.

Is your husband usually controlling? Do you have to go along with whatever he says? I rather suspect your husband is used to his own way, and everyone jumping to his tune. Your BIL didn't do what your husband wanted, so he's thrown all his toys out of his pram. This has nothing whatsoever to do with your children, but rather that your husband expects others to full into line. Your BIL wouldn't, so now he's pissed off with not only your BIL but also you, because you didn't agree with his views, and back him up. As far as he's concerned you disrespected him, you're his wife and he clearly expects you to back him up, regardless if you agree or not. He won't allow you to use public transport on your own with the children. Do you go anywhere without your husband? Do you go anywhere without your children? Is your husband with you all the time? Does your husband think you can't cope with the children, on public transport, without him? Your husband is perfectly aware you won't go to the family break without your children or go by yourself. He's using your children to punish you for not backing him up last year. He's a controlling arsehole. If you don't start putting your foot down, and standing up for yourself, his behaviour is going to get worse. Sadly, I suspect his behaviour will worsen over time regardless if you stand up for yourself or not. He wants you completely under his control, and for you to meekly go along with him.

He’s letting his own ego get in the way of his kids having a nice time with their extended family? Wow. Definitely put your foot down and take both. Also get public transport if you need to, why would he say you aren’t allowed to take them on a bus?!

Having anxiety is not a reason to be controlling of others behaviour.

He should seek support / therapy for this, not stop you and your children from living a full life.

"In relation to the public transport thing, I should have said he is extremely anxious and constantly worried about the kids getting hurt. He is worried about ASD 6yo running off of the bus etc, even though he hasn't done that before. He is too anxious to take them both on public transport by himself and so won't let me take them anywhere on the bus by myself. I feel relatively confident travelling with them, but i accept he would feel very anxious if i did so. I know when I say 'won't let me' it sounds crazy to some people but that's just how it feels to me."

He's catastrophizing and restricting you and his kids from doing a safe, normal activity, going on public transport, because of it. He needs treatment for his unmanaged anxiety and catastrophizing. I would refuse his restrictions because they're based on his mental health issues, not reality. None of you fucking drive. You have to be able to get somewhere.

His restrictions and anxiety and rigidity are robbing your children of a normal childhood with happy family holidays and perfectly normal activities of daily living. I think it's cruel what he's doing to them and you're okay with them living a restricted and controlled life.

Could a family member pick you and the dc up? He can’t continue to control you in this fashion, he’s spoiling your dcs’ childhood with his anxiety.

Ignore the pp who say they’d just take the dc, obviously it isn’t that straightforward.

He doesn’t have the right to ‘let’ you do anything, he doesn’t own you, who does he think he is!

No no no. You should not be limiting yourself becuase of his anxiety. That is very very worrying and you are falling into very detrimental patterns. Please do not do this.

My Dh also gets anxious sometimes. I did something with DD last week that I know caused him a LOT of anxiety. But he knows that is HIS problem, not my problem ,and he did not attempt to make me not do it and I didn' teven consider not doing it.

This will get worse and you will make your own and your children's lives smaller. Please don't do this. He must get help for his anxiety that does not involve you not doing perfectly reasonable normal things like take public transport.

Your DH seems tobe a very rigid and controlling person. Is he always like this? Is there more background regarding your extensive family stepping on his/your boundaries so maybe he is specially rigid and resentful towards them?

And please, ND is NOT an excuse for controlling behaviour. When you love someone who is ND, there are absolutely some things you're willing to do to accomodate them or make their lives easier, but that should not mean that they get to decide anything and everything.

Ignore the pp who say they’d just take the dc, obviously it isn’t that straightforward

It really is. This is their childhood. They are learning from their dad that being out and about is dangerous. If your dd said she couldn’t visit you because her boyfriend was too scared you’d be ‘yeah that’s fair enough I understand that you are now unable to have a normal life because of your boyfriend’s ‘feels’.

From the sound of things I'd suggest that you go on your own, you must really, really need a break.

He won't let you? This suggests he is in charge of what you do. This is way overstepping what might be considered to be reasonable. You take both children, he can attend or keep away and I'm sure everyone would breathe a sigh of relief if he stayed at home. He sounds very controlling. Be careful this isn't a slow incremental slide.

I wonder what he'll be like when they get older and become more independent? Go on the holiday and have good time.

Bloody hell!

Put your foot down and insist on taking both kids.

Who is he to not 'let' you do normal things with your own kids?

He has created this issue.

The Easter incident was no more than a bit of an irritation or annoyance to anyone reasonable, not something to start a lengthy family feud over. So he has unreasonably excluded himself from this lovely sounding holiday.

Selfish, controlling, and with an attitude problem.

I would tell him its up to him if he wants to pursue a stupid feud with your family but he has no right to prevent you or your children spending time with their beloved family, and incredibly selfish to try and deny them holiday based on his aggressive controlling pride. And whatever his view, you will be going.

But...I couldn't live with him.

If both children are a handful on public transport is there a family member who could help by travelling with you?