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Original poster

DH won't let DC go away with my family

194 replies

ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 13:24

Grateful for some advice. Me and DH have two DS, 3 and 6yo. 6yo is autistic & has fairly significant additional needs.

I have quite a large and close extended family. My mum has booked a farmhouse for a weekend at end of Aug for a big family gathering which will include my sister and BiL. No dogs allowed. We've been there before and it was lovely.

DH won't come to the weekend as he is upset about something that happened at Easter last year. We were at my parents house & sister & BiL were there at the same time. We were eating lunch & their dog was under the table & snuffling around my kids, licking their toes etc. My kids aren't used to dogs & thought it was hilarious. They were very giggly & not concentrating on eating. DH asked BiL to control his dog & BiL refused to put the dog in another room (I think as it would start barking). DH was extremely upset about this & says it was incredibly rude & inconsiderate of BiL. DH was also very upset that I didn't back him up & I don't see it as a big thing.

So DH is refusing to go to the weekend. That's fine, but the problem is that he won't let me take DC. As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair.

I feel really upset as I feel that he's stopping the kids spending time with my family and dividing me from my family. He says I can go alone, but I really want my kids to spend time with my family and it will be nice for them to have time in the countryside (we live in a flat in London without a usable garden).

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?

Thanks so much for reading this far.

OP posts:
RantzNotBantz · 30/07/2025 16:52

OK - so I missed the update about him having a diagnosis.

But the impact on you is the same: you are controlled by him and his view of the world.

So I would say what I suggested above but perhaps in a more explanatory way and tell him how his rigid thinking and his anxiety are having an unreasonable impact on you and the children.

user1492809438 · 30/07/2025 16:55

You cannot let your husband's diagnosis rule your life or your children's. It is his condition to deal with, he is dealing with it by making you conform and compromise, instead of acknowledging the root of his his anxieties [his autism]. I do not minimise his condition but equally will you and your children spend your entire lives propping him up at the cost of your own lives? Sounds like that's the plan.

Timelive · 30/07/2025 16:56

Is there a reason your DH is worried OP?

You say your 6yr old autistic DS hasn’t run off the bus before, but has he run off in other situations?

I know some children with ASD are a flight risk. Mine is and I’d feel more comfortable having a second adult present when out and about if I were trying to look after a younger child too.

So just wondering if your DH is letting his anxiety overwhelm him or if there is good reason for him to be anxious.

Mancity08 · 30/07/2025 16:58

Stand up for yourself nobody has the right to say your/their not going with one adult
your dh choose to have words and feel the resentment like he does.
Not You or your children
Tell him you & children are going end off
why should you give up a lovely holiday .

could you afford a taxi to a family members house and get a lift in their car ?
I definitely would not give this up because dh is being a controlling arse !

tripleginandtonic · 30/07/2025 16:59

I think he has a point about the dog not being in the room where young dc are eating and being silly. It wouldn't hurt fir the dog to be moved and bark a bit.
However I'm sure you're more than capable of taking both children, so that is what you should do with or without his blessing. I would see if you can find some compromise about the dog though

Terrribletwos · 30/07/2025 17:06

ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 15:24

Thanks so much for your responses. Someone asked if DH has a diagnosis, yes he is autistic as well. This means he can have quite rigid thinking and i think is part of the reason he's held onto the issue with the dog, he finds it hard to let go of things. I think the initial problem was just that DC were distracted from their food but then the bigger issue was that BiL prioritised his dog over our DC and he was very upset by that. I think that's a reasonable viewpoint but not something to hang onto for so long.

I try to accept that DH has a different way of thinking about things but I find it difficult.

In relation to the public transport thing, I should have said he is extremely anxious and constantly worried about the kids getting hurt. He is worried about ASD 6yo running off of the bus etc, even though he hasn't done that before. He is too anxious to take them both on public transport by himself and so won't let me take them anywhere on the bus by myself. I feel relatively confident travelling with them, but i accept he would feel very anxious if i did so. I know when I say 'won't let me' it sounds crazy to some people but that's just how it feels to me.

Thanks for all your help

You could have said all of this before.

I still would be saying to him I am taking my kids regardless.

Bruisername · 30/07/2025 17:13

I always tell my ND child that it is a reason but not an excuse

my mum was very anxious and I was brought up to fear the world - when I had kids I really pushed through it as I didn’t want them to feel the same. Had some awful sleepless nights!!

RantzNotBantz · 30/07/2025 17:15

tripleginandtonic · 30/07/2025 16:59

I think he has a point about the dog not being in the room where young dc are eating and being silly. It wouldn't hurt fir the dog to be moved and bark a bit.
However I'm sure you're more than capable of taking both children, so that is what you should do with or without his blessing. I would see if you can find some compromise about the dog though

Edited

The dog won't be there.

It's in the OP. No dogs allowed.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2025 17:59

I think you should leave this man and get your freedom back- even if it's 5050, you can have some free time and then do as you please with your kids on your time.

He cannot stop you taking the kids on this weekend unless he physically restrains you. If I were you I would tell them that you're going and have a family member come by to help you load up the car - he will probably be more cowardly with company present.

If he wasn't an abusive bastard and his concerns were genuine about you having two kids at once then the obvious solution is he drops you all off so he can help with your train journey, your family would be there to help over the weekend, and then he comes back to collect you

MorrisZapp · 30/07/2025 18:05

I don't understand the bus thing at all. If neither of you drive then do you literally only go anywhere if all four of you are together? How is daily life possible?

The dog thing is ludicrous.

RedRock41 · 30/07/2025 18:13

OP you have two choices. Accept DH’s decision (not advised) or put your foot down and take them anyway.
I can’t imagine ever being dictated to about what I can or cannot do with my own DC. His reasons are a nonsense. You’re their Mother!
If he’s held onto ill will over a daft dog incident, you going of course could be nuclear but (could just be me) I’d be going and would let him do/think his worst.
Can’t reason when someone being unreasonable. Tell him: Build a bridge and get over the dog incident. We’re going and you’re welcome too. Don’t want to come? Won’t let us go? That’s up to you but no arguments we’re going. If it means the end of us so be it… there’s the 🚪

FrippEnos · 30/07/2025 18:21

Why is the DH getting the grief for the suggestion of only taking one DC?

This is the OP's idea.

zeibesaffron · 30/07/2025 18:21

So he is in strop because the kids enjoyed playing a little with the dog!! and they got a bit silly - and now he won’t let the kids go away with you.

Do not let this go - I am sorry I get he is autistic but this is not okay? You have to be able to live too! Is he always this controlling? How come he gets to decide what happens here??

You and the kids cannot live in a world dictated too by him, his autism and anxiety - what he is doing with this holiday is unacceptable. If the impact is so great he needs to get some support. You also need to think of the impact on your kids- what if they want to travel on a bus as teenagers? go out and get drunk? walk home after a night out…. what will happen then when they are older and won’t live by ‘his’ rules.

okydokethen · 30/07/2025 18:38

Controlling, miserable arsehole. Go on the holiday with your children and have a lovely time.

Coconutter24 · 30/07/2025 18:48

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?
yes YABU to do that. You’re not really putting your foot down are you more looking for a compromise, putting your foot down would be “I am taking both of the children on a family trip, you’re welcome to either come or stay home but we’re going!”

TizerorFizz · 30/07/2025 18:53

It’s interesting that the Sen controlling man here is being roundly attacked but on another thread, a Sen teen is having hysterics because mum has been offered a job at her gym club but is given the benefit of the doubt . It seems we have very different opinions on what’s reasonable but the controlling child becomes the controlling adult I fear. It’s very difficult to see why either should control those around them.

AuntMarch · 30/07/2025 22:52

TizerorFizz · 30/07/2025 18:53

It’s interesting that the Sen controlling man here is being roundly attacked but on another thread, a Sen teen is having hysterics because mum has been offered a job at her gym club but is given the benefit of the doubt . It seems we have very different opinions on what’s reasonable but the controlling child becomes the controlling adult I fear. It’s very difficult to see why either should control those around them.

wow, I saw that thread but didnt go back to it - that is not how I expected it to go!

That's a good point though, these threads are shining examples of why we don't necessarily need to be doing everything in our power to make our children happy;

PurpleThistle7 · 30/07/2025 23:00

I would absolutely not allow a dog to lick my children under the dinner table but that’s not the point at all. You’re their parent and you get a vote as well.

if you are happy to take them out then just do that. It can’t be sustainable to always split them up. Surely there have been times this just isn’t convenient or appropriate? Is he saying you can only leave the house if he comes with you? Do you both work the same times? I’m oddly curious about the logistics but of course he doesn’t get to tell you what to do with your own children - you can bring them on the bus or on holiday or wherever you like. Of course all families have conversations about safety and whatnot but these are two major red flags in just one post so I’d encourage you to step back and see if there are other things like this that you stopped noticing as he controlled you more and more.

Branwells77 · 30/07/2025 23:06

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2025 15:21

"Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?"
I would do a hell of a lot more than put my foot down! I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that he is being a total drama llama and he is not the boss of you. You WILL be taking both children with you, it would be great if he could get the fuck over himself and join you, but if he wants to retire to his fainting couch with smelling salts then he can just crack on.

"As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive)."
Again I'd be ripping him a new one. There is no 'let'. If you feel you can transport the two of them safely on the bus, that is all that matters.

Your husband can only be a controlling prick if you are passive and allow it. Stand up for yourself and tell him to back the fuck off, just because he's having a hissy fit over a past event you will NOT allow him to isolate you and the children from your family (which I suspect is his aim). You could even take the view that you are doing your husband a favour by telling him no - it will slow and possibly stop completely his descent into being a controlling prick who has alienated his wife and children.

100% agree with you on all of this do love the fainting couch and smelling salts 😂

Onthemaintrunkline · 30/07/2025 23:11

If you don’t begin to put your foot down now, yr husbands anxieties will, without doubt control your life, it’s begun already!

He doesn’t have the right to control.

Velmy · 30/07/2025 23:12

Tell him you're taking both of them and ask him what the fuck he plans to do about it 🤷🏻‍♂️

He's clearly a massive bedwetter if he's been this emasculated by your BIL standing up to his ridiculous demands. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that BIL either earns more, is more successful, bigger, stronger etc?

Stand up for yourself. Sounds like it won't take much.

2chocolateoranges · 30/07/2025 23:18

My dh would be getting told that I’m taking both children and too bad if he doesn’t agree as you aren’t having them miss out on time with your family. He has chosen to not go due to a stupid reason.

i personally wouldn’t have dogs in the room while we are eating but It was not in my house so it’s not my rules. Your dh has overreacted.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 23:23

He’s childish and controlling. Both would give me the ick.

Busybeemumm · 30/07/2025 23:24

There is a fine line here between his anxiety and him being controlling.

There is a bigger picture than this issue about taking the kids away. Of course they should be able to go on a family holiday with you and your family. He is trying to control you and not trusting your choices and decisions. The family fall out over a dog in the room at dinner is just ridiculous and another excuse to try and isolate you.

Pieceofpurplesky · 30/07/2025 23:31

Exh tried this with me. My parents offered to pay to take us all away (had to be specific dates due to me and DS having different school holidays). Exh ‘couldn’t’ go as he had a football tournament for 4 of the 7 days that included beers out every night. He told me that me and DS were not allowed to go - even though he would have been out for 4 days and evenings.
We went. He’s Exh now.
OP just go. Let him sulk at home