DH won't let DC go away with my family

[ByCheeryWasp]

Grateful for some advice. Me and DH have two DS, 3 and 6yo. 6yo is autistic & has fairly significant additional needs.

I have quite a large and close extended family. My mum has booked a farmhouse for a weekend at end of Aug for a big family gathering which will include my sister and BiL. No dogs allowed. We've been there before and it was lovely.

DH won't come to the weekend as he is upset about something that happened at Easter last year. We were at my parents house & sister & BiL were there at the same time. We were eating lunch & their dog was under the table & snuffling around my kids, licking their toes etc. My kids aren't used to dogs & thought it was hilarious. They were very giggly & not concentrating on eating. DH asked BiL to control his dog & BiL refused to put the dog in another room (I think as it would start barking). DH was extremely upset about this & says it was incredibly rude & inconsiderate of BiL. DH was also very upset that I didn't back him up & I don't see it as a big thing.

So DH is refusing to go to the weekend. That's fine, but the problem is that he won't let me take DC. As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair.

I feel really upset as I feel that he's stopping the kids spending time with my family and dividing me from my family. He says I can go alone, but I really want my kids to spend time with my family and it will be nice for them to have time in the countryside (we live in a flat in London without a usable garden).

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?

Thanks so much for reading this far.

I have an autistic Ex and the problem with the whole ' you just have to understand how their brains are different' thing is that it leads to situations like this, where your life is basically controlled by their 'needs'.

You, as the NT partner and children, are always the ones having to sacrifice and adapt and make yourselves smaller and more compliant to meet what the ND person wants or 'needs'.

And then you are told if you can just learn how to get along with them, you will learn to see how 'wonderful' their minds are.

I am sorry, but it is not wonderful, and how their brains work is not wonderful in close relationships which require a whole set of cognition that they don't have the capacity for. It is very difficult.

Your husband has a mono-perspective that centres him and excludes you and the kids and wider family. And that is never going to work out well in family life.

Also, autistic people can be hugely anxious, it is almost synonymous with the condition. Even if there is no risk to DS it is entirely possible that DH’s need for control is coming from a place of anxiety/MH problems rather than just simple selfishness. It’s probable that his autism isn’t a red herring at all. Very difficult to live with though and very destructive behaviour if so. They clearly need a lot of help if this is the case @Timelive

I agree with this. I get really tired of people saying that ' its not the autism, its because he is abusive'.

It often very much is the autism. It should hardly be a surprise that if someone has a condition that means they have poor mindsight and empathy, black and white thinking, rigid and inflexible thinking,. poor emotional regulation, and are unable to understand other people even have different experiences and perspectives, let alone what these are, that they will behave in ways that are damaging and harmful to others in intimate relationships. Not all autistic people are like this obviously, but all the aspects I described are autistic traits, and if you get someone with all of them, like my Ex, the relationship will be very damaging for the NT partner.

I’d honestly start secretly learning to drive if you can.

I'd be telling him that I was taking the children with me and that if he didn't allow it that would honestly be it.

I wouldn't allow anyone to control my life in this way.

He sounds like an abusive twat. Autism is not an excuse.

This. I would be putting both feet down and a big hammer.

Diagnosis or not, its not reasonable for him to limit your and your kids lives because of his anxieties. OP you have a choice which is to address it now or (potentially) wait for it to escalate to a point when you can no longer cope with it.

why secretly?

At which point you might choose to divorce him, and then he will have zero say in how many buses you get on and to what destination while the children are with you.

Let him ponder that while he considers his attitude regarding this holiday.

I cant believe what I am reading. Your DH sounds controlling to the point of abusive. Since when do you need permission to take your children anywhere? He is punishing you and your family for what happened at Easter and doesn’t mind that your kids are the collateral damage. He sounds like a total narcissist. I would be issuing an ultimatum.

Totally reasonable of you. Why does he think he makes the decisions? You should be able to take your own children away. Lots of love

Why does your husband get to decide ? He is not your boss so don't ask. You say you're taking them. End of story.

yup

@ByCheeryWasp the fact your DH is autistic us a reason, not excuse.
Yes it means he is more anxious, struggle with seeing things from your pov (hed struggle on the bus in his own so YOU must struggle too), black and white thinking etc….

However, you’re in a partnership. It simply cannot be whatever he wants goes. It cannot mean that you’ll never spend time with your family because he doesn’t want to.
The best would be to start by telling him that him saying NO like this means you and your dcs will end up with no contact with grand parents, cousins etc… does he REALLY want that because he feels someone hasn’t done what he expected them to?

But you’ll also have start growing a thicker skin and do stuff regardless of whether ‘he approves’ p. Him passively disapproving (I mean the ‘look’, small comments, huffing, being grumpy etc….) is all well and good. But it doesn’t mean he is right or whatever he says will happen (see the fact you’re seeing it as needing his permission to go in the bus….),

Because just now he is walking all over your boundaries and doesn’t treat with respect at all.

What would have to happen for him to come with you? If he can come up with an outcome that he would be happy with, that would be a better solution for all of you.

It might not have been handled very well but I think your sister & BIL were both very rude to leave their dog snuffling under the table whilst people were eating.

They could just have called it to sit next to them, it didn't have to be locked away!

Your crappy partner is the one who needs to make an effort. They're your family and matter to you. Is he habitually trying to isolate you from friends and family? You did say you are "not allowed" to take them both on bus or train?
Totally worrying behaviour from him. Do you think your kids and you deserve better? Is being a single parent better? I'd say kick it to the kerb.

This has lots of red flags. This is controlling and he sounds like he is isolating you from your family, with this as his excuse maybe?

Are you a sahm and financially depend on him too? Are your finances controlled by him and you have to ask him for money too, so even if you do want to go, he would have to get your train tickets…..?

His anxiety is ruling both your lives, and he should seek counselling/therapy to address that.

As an aside, if someone told me what I could and couldnt do, I'd see red. He is being utterly petty and ridiculous and your children are suffering because of it.

You're an adult, you're perfectly capable of taking both of your own children on public transport. I say go and bring the kids.