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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH won't let DC go away with my family

194 replies

ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 13:24

Grateful for some advice. Me and DH have two DS, 3 and 6yo. 6yo is autistic & has fairly significant additional needs.

I have quite a large and close extended family. My mum has booked a farmhouse for a weekend at end of Aug for a big family gathering which will include my sister and BiL. No dogs allowed. We've been there before and it was lovely.

DH won't come to the weekend as he is upset about something that happened at Easter last year. We were at my parents house & sister & BiL were there at the same time. We were eating lunch & their dog was under the table & snuffling around my kids, licking their toes etc. My kids aren't used to dogs & thought it was hilarious. They were very giggly & not concentrating on eating. DH asked BiL to control his dog & BiL refused to put the dog in another room (I think as it would start barking). DH was extremely upset about this & says it was incredibly rude & inconsiderate of BiL. DH was also very upset that I didn't back him up & I don't see it as a big thing.

So DH is refusing to go to the weekend. That's fine, but the problem is that he won't let me take DC. As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair.

I feel really upset as I feel that he's stopping the kids spending time with my family and dividing me from my family. He says I can go alone, but I really want my kids to spend time with my family and it will be nice for them to have time in the countryside (we live in a flat in London without a usable garden).

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?

Thanks so much for reading this far.

OP posts:
Jade247 · 31/07/2025 08:21

It’s his own problem that he’s being ridiculous about a dog and now he is trying to make your children miss out. He is being controlling , tell him your taking both children alone or he can come - if he doesn’t want you to travel on the train alone (which sounds controlling) he can travel with you then come back . Seriously don’t stand for this crap !!!! They are your children !!

Jklmnopq · 31/07/2025 08:26

Horrible controlling man! As a matter of principle, of course take both kids, you don't need him to "let" you.
On a practical level, if public transport with both could be a challenge (only you can judge) could one of your extended family meet you in London and travel with you?

Comtesse · 31/07/2025 08:34

MorrisZapp · 30/07/2025 18:05

I don't understand the bus thing at all. If neither of you drive then do you literally only go anywhere if all four of you are together? How is daily life possible?

The dog thing is ludicrous.

How incredibly restrictive this must be. I don’t get why you must all have this very small life because he gets anxious.

Daleksatemyshed · 31/07/2025 08:38

Your DH may be controlling because of his anxiety Op but the effect on you and your DC will be the same. He's offended by your BIL so won't see him but that's on him, he doesn't get to make a choice for all of you.
I know you're not wanting to make his anxiety worse but you need to make a stand here, it's that or his problem will limit your DC lives and that's not fair

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 31/07/2025 08:41

Don't let your husband's diagnosis be an excuse for his behaviour. My adult son has ASD and doesn't act like a controlling arse.

Take your poor kids on holiday. They'll probably be glad of the break. Living around that level of 'anxiety' must be stifling and can't be good for them.

bananafake · 31/07/2025 08:41

ImAPreMadonna · 30/07/2025 13:56

God, he’s an insufferable arse isn’t he?

To be angry at your BIL for not removing the dog is one (unreasonable) thing but to refuse to go on any other holiday? Arsehole behaviour.

To stop you from taking your kids? Double arsehole behaviour.

To ‘not allow you … NOT ALLOW YOU!’ to get public transport without him?! Off the scale arsehole behaviour.

Edited

THIS!

Skibber · 31/07/2025 08:43

This is controlling coercive behaviour, whatever his diagnosis.
You need to seek help and support.
You do not have to tolerate this.
He is not the boss of you!
Womens aid help women.

Go with your family and talk to them.
Talk to your GP.

Do you want to stay married to such a controlling rigid man?
You don't have to.

Waterbaby41 · 31/07/2025 08:44

Tell him you are going on the family holiday with both children. He's welcome to come or not. Do not let one minor incident - that didn't bother the kids - spoil all family holidays going forward. There will be no dogs! You simply cannot allow your husband to spoil his children's holiday. If he doesn't like it, tell him you want a divorce - and he will then have no control at all.

Carodebalo · 31/07/2025 08:45

It would be unreasonable of you if you dont take your children with you! Please OP, your husband is controlling you (and the children). Please stand up for yourself and your children. This can be become a dangerous precedent if you don’t nip this in the bud right now. (I have witnessed this in my own family growing up, I know what I’m talking about.) He may have good reasons for being the way he is, but none of them are a good reason to control you. Give your children the family holiday experience they (and you!) deserve. Talk with your husband about the dog issue. He may have a point, or not, but the question here is: what is his goal, what is he trying to achieve? Does he never ever want to see your family again, over a disagreement about a dog? I’d ask him to get over it (and would ask my brother to support you a little, try and avoid this situation in the future). But please stop letting him control you. No more ‘general rules’. If you think you can manage taking them on the train, then you can!

SkintSingleMumm · 31/07/2025 08:46

Take both your children with you on holiday. Tell him to get a grip of himself. Autism aside, its controlling behaviour to stop you taking them/stop you travelling on public transport. He will get over it. If not, he can leave

Silvertulips · 31/07/2025 08:46

It’s controlling. He knows you won’t go without the kids - so go without the kids - get a break and take some time to consider your future.

Timelive · 31/07/2025 08:49

PigletSanders · 31/07/2025 07:33

To those trying to ‘understand’ before calling the H controlling.., of course he’s controlling. The autism is a red herring. He doesn’t like something so he’s using abuse and control to keep the OP and the children within the parameters he’s set, that he is comfortable with, with absolutely NO thought for what they’d like or how they may be affected. He’s unbelievably selfish and controlling.

Autism doesn’t make people controlling abusers.

You may be right about him being controlling and selfish.

But isn’t it possible that DS, who is also autistic, is a flight risk? My DS was, still is as a teen. He absolutely needs one to one supervision when out and about. A single adult just isn’t enough if there is a small child to manage as well. It wouldn’t be safe.

OP has literally said DH is afraid DS will run off the bus, though he hasn’t before. However, she hasn’t clarified whether he’s run off on other occasions so it’s not certain whether DH’s anxiety is justified or out of control. I did ask that question upthread.

I do think she should visit her family. I’m just not certain whether there are valid risks travelling alone and if she would be better arranging another way to get there.

Also, autistic people can be hugely anxious, it is almost synonymous with the condition. Even if there is no risk to DS it is entirely possible that DH’s need for control is coming from a place of anxiety/MH problems rather than just simple selfishness. It’s probable that his autism isn’t a red herring at all. Very difficult to live with though and very destructive behaviour if so. They clearly need a lot of help if this is the case.

bananafake · 31/07/2025 08:51

ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 15:24

Thanks so much for your responses. Someone asked if DH has a diagnosis, yes he is autistic as well. This means he can have quite rigid thinking and i think is part of the reason he's held onto the issue with the dog, he finds it hard to let go of things. I think the initial problem was just that DC were distracted from their food but then the bigger issue was that BiL prioritised his dog over our DC and he was very upset by that. I think that's a reasonable viewpoint but not something to hang onto for so long.

I try to accept that DH has a different way of thinking about things but I find it difficult.

In relation to the public transport thing, I should have said he is extremely anxious and constantly worried about the kids getting hurt. He is worried about ASD 6yo running off of the bus etc, even though he hasn't done that before. He is too anxious to take them both on public transport by himself and so won't let me take them anywhere on the bus by myself. I feel relatively confident travelling with them, but i accept he would feel very anxious if i did so. I know when I say 'won't let me' it sounds crazy to some people but that's just how it feels to me.

Thanks for all your help

The thing is avoiding things makes anxiety worse. If he started to take both children on the bus/train he'd eventually feel less anxious because his brain would be retrained to realise there's really no danger. His fears are irrational because people travel all the time on public transport with no mishap.

The thing is he's not your boss and you can't let his autism make your life and your children's very small. He is also very unreasonable about your family. Such a silly thing to fall out about. He might want to control everything but it doesn't mean he actually should.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 31/07/2025 08:53

Why does husband have the final say on this?

BleuBeans · 31/07/2025 08:53

I couldn’t imagine having someone control whether I could get on a bus/train with my child. Your DH needs to seek support to manage his anxiety as that is not healthy

If I were in your position, I would be telling DH I was going away on those dates with children and he has the option to come. I’ve taken my DD away on my own multiple times camping, city breaks, visiting family throughout the UK, on lots of day trips. I couldn’t imagine someone trying to control me

britneyisfreebutnotokay · 31/07/2025 09:02

How long are you going to live like this??? I bet there are lots of other issues. Leave him asap.

WilfredsPies · 31/07/2025 09:13

So he won’t let your DC see your family without him, and he’s refusing to see your family? So he’s effectively declaring that your DC and your family will never see each other again?

Yeah, no. He doesn’t have the right to do that. I think he has completely over reacted about the dog; it was licking their toes and making them happy, not snarling at them and gnawing on their ankles. What would happen if you ever got divorced? Will the DC just be expected to sit indoors with him on his days?

Tell him that he doesn’t not get the final say; that you will be taking both children with you and if he wants to sit at home and sulk, then that is his choice, but you will not be depriving the DC of family members who love them.

NewDogOwner · 31/07/2025 09:20

This is mental and really disturbing. Your husband refuses to let you take your children on a bus or train without him? What happens when you defy him?

Internaut · 31/07/2025 09:20

I think the initial problem was just that DC were distracted from their food but then the bigger issue was that BiL prioritised his dog over our DC and he was very upset by that. I think that's a reasonable viewpoint but not something to hang onto for so long.

I'm not sure that it is a reasonable viewpoint. You BiL could perhaps have compromised by calling the dog out from under the table, but it's not as if he was hurting the children. Your DH massively overreacted and is being ridiculous holding on to the grudge to the extent that he would deprive his children of a treat.

Tell him he's got this massively out of proportion and that you are taking both children. I'm prepared to bet that, in his heart of hearts, he doesn't really want to be solely responsible for the children all weekend.

NewDogOwner · 31/07/2025 09:21

You cannot allow your husband's anxieties to ruin your children's lives. He needs to get help to manage this.

Onth · 31/07/2025 09:23

ImAPreMadonna · 30/07/2025 16:01

Having anxiety is not a reason to be controlling of others behaviour.

He should seek support / therapy for this, not stop you and your children from living a full life.

This.

I'm ND and I know that I have to work hard not to be controlling as a result of my anxiety. Your H needs to take responsibility for his behaviour.

If he doesn't, I would seriously consider living apart until he does. You CANNOT live without your freedom and autonomy as an adult and a parent.

Just go. Put your DC first.

Internaut · 31/07/2025 09:23

Is there a reason why neither of you drive? Given your husband's attitude to transport, it must be massively restricting.

Lavenderandclimbingrose · 31/07/2025 09:25

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 30/07/2025 13:27

You tell him both dc are deserving of a holiday and which one does he love less that should stay home....
He sounds like a controlling twat.

This and ask someone from your family to come and pick you up. Tell him we are all going on holiday this weekend - you can come or not as you choose but we are going.

LancashireButterPie · 31/07/2025 09:33

Darling, he is not your boss.

This is nothing to do with his ASD (my DH has ASD) and everything to do with control.

beAsensible1 · 31/07/2025 09:34

ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 15:24

Thanks so much for your responses. Someone asked if DH has a diagnosis, yes he is autistic as well. This means he can have quite rigid thinking and i think is part of the reason he's held onto the issue with the dog, he finds it hard to let go of things. I think the initial problem was just that DC were distracted from their food but then the bigger issue was that BiL prioritised his dog over our DC and he was very upset by that. I think that's a reasonable viewpoint but not something to hang onto for so long.

I try to accept that DH has a different way of thinking about things but I find it difficult.

In relation to the public transport thing, I should have said he is extremely anxious and constantly worried about the kids getting hurt. He is worried about ASD 6yo running off of the bus etc, even though he hasn't done that before. He is too anxious to take them both on public transport by himself and so won't let me take them anywhere on the bus by myself. I feel relatively confident travelling with them, but i accept he would feel very anxious if i did so. I know when I say 'won't let me' it sounds crazy to some people but that's just how it feels to me.

Thanks for all your help

Bills isn’t “prioritise” the dog as the children weren’t hurt, scared or upset they were just giggly. That is your DHs framing due to his offence.
he is being rigid which is fine for him but he doesn’t get to impose his rigidity on your or the children. Stand up for them, yourself and your wider family. He isn’t the boss. He needs to manage his emotions and inflexibility himself.
he is priotising his rigidity over what is good for you and your children. That is worse than a dog licking toes and children taking extra time to eat dinner

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