DH won't let DC go away with my family

[ByCheeryWasp]

Grateful for some advice. Me and DH have two DS, 3 and 6yo. 6yo is autistic & has fairly significant additional needs.

I have quite a large and close extended family. My mum has booked a farmhouse for a weekend at end of Aug for a big family gathering which will include my sister and BiL. No dogs allowed. We've been there before and it was lovely.

DH won't come to the weekend as he is upset about something that happened at Easter last year. We were at my parents house & sister & BiL were there at the same time. We were eating lunch & their dog was under the table & snuffling around my kids, licking their toes etc. My kids aren't used to dogs & thought it was hilarious. They were very giggly & not concentrating on eating. DH asked BiL to control his dog & BiL refused to put the dog in another room (I think as it would start barking). DH was extremely upset about this & says it was incredibly rude & inconsiderate of BiL. DH was also very upset that I didn't back him up & I don't see it as a big thing.

So DH is refusing to go to the weekend. That's fine, but the problem is that he won't let me take DC. As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair.

I feel really upset as I feel that he's stopping the kids spending time with my family and dividing me from my family. He says I can go alone, but I really want my kids to spend time with my family and it will be nice for them to have time in the countryside (we live in a flat in London without a usable garden).

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?

Thanks so much for reading this far.

To see it from your husbands view, I can see why he didn’t want the dogs making the children over excited when their focus should’ve been eating. He was trying to enforce good table manners. Also, if you didn’t back him, then he probably felt a bit humiliated - I can see why he doesn’t want to go back for more of the same.
Then, if you have a child with Autism I suspect it’s not hugely practical to travel alone with both children.
I can see why on the surface everyone is saying this is controlling, and maybe it is. But at the same time, I’m really not sure why you can’t both have an adult conversation about boundaries & rules for the children, and then stick to it and back each other. That sounds like it’s at the heart of all of this, and sweeping it under the carpet will create space for more clashes like this in the future.

As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive).

So you never take them anywhere alone you can’t walk to? Ever? Is this a temporary thing or is this how he sees things being for the foreseeable? I’m presuming you’d have no issues taking them?

I think there are solutions here - if 6yo is a runner could you get a “big” buggy to strap him into just for the dangerous bits? Wrist strap? I think (holiday aside) you absolutely have to be able to take them out, and he must “let” you do this.

Are you scared of him? What would happen if you just said that you were sick of not going anywhere so were going to take them out somewhere on your own?

@Blanketwrap

why? The dog wasn’t doing any harm and the kids were having fun, they don’t need to “concentrate on eating” - it’s pretty simple, you put it in your gob and chew!

he sounds precious. He was only pissed off cos people weren’t obeying him in the way he is now expecting OP to.

@JustMyView13

why? The dog wasn’t doing any harm and the kids were having fun, they don’t need to “concentrate on eating” - it’s pretty simple, you put it in your gob and chew! How much focus do you think that takes? Do you not chat at the dinner table cos you need to focus on eating?

he sounds precious. He was only pissed off cos people weren’t obeying him in the way he is now expecting OP to

You give in a flat in London, don't drive and aren't allowed in public transport. What a great excuse to ensure you can never go any where too far without him.
Take both children on the holiday, he is already stopping them do so much with his rules.

Seriously wake up!! If your child was in a relationship like this, how would you feel? He tried to control your brother in law and failed but he is continuing to control you. What like are your children having? Now allowed to go out unless the whole family goes? What about when they’re older? Get out now!!

Take both children! Not sure who he thinks he is!

They are your children- even if you were going with friends- if you want to take them (unless a huge safeguarding worry), you take them! If he chooses not to go; that’s on him! Why should the children miss out! A dog licking the kids feet and making them laugh, should have been a funny story for when they are older. Not something that ruins family get togethers!

Next week, my 2 children and I are going to Butlins with my Mum, Auntie, sisters and cousin (husbands are not going tbf- but my husband was asked if he wanted to go. But he said no, as my dad/uncle etc are not going). He is actually looking forward to having a break 😂

Go, make memories with your babies.

Because they’re children, and if they get overexcited whilst eating perhaps he was concerned of a choking hazard. I’m not him, so I can’t say what his concerns were.

There’s a vast difference between a child laughing, getting over excited by a dog & essentially playing during a mealtime - and talking.
It’s ok to discipline children and set boundaries.

Also, ofc you need to concentrate whilst eating. There’s countless studies which show people who multitask whilst eating don’t process the quantity of food they’re consuming.

To those trying to ‘understand’ before calling the H controlling.., of course he’s controlling. The autism is a red herring. He doesn’t like something so he’s using abuse and control to keep the OP and the children within the parameters he’s set, that he is comfortable with, with absolutely NO thought for what they’d like or how they may be affected. He’s unbelievably selfish and controlling.

Autism doesn’t make people controlling abusers.

If he thinks laughing and giggling at the table is bad manners, who'd want him at a gathering anyway?!

Yes, BIL should have called the dog over (although not shut it away - they were in someone elses house) when asked, DH is the parent and that should have been respected even if not understood. But for DH to use something like that as a reason not to go away months after the fact, when the dog wont be there, and there are other people beside BIL he could be spending time with, just isn't OK. Especially when he thinks that should mean the children miss out too. As parents we suck things up for our childrens best interests all the time! There was no violence, no vile argument, no danger... what exactly is his problem, someone annoyed him a bit?!
At very best, this is selfish and he's not thinking of the children. At worst, manipulative and controlling.

Ok I understand he is ASD but how will he start to learn/accept and overcome his anxieties if you always go along with it?!
He "won't let you"... That's his problem...
I asked my hubby if he wanted to go to Greece a few years ago...he said it wasnt his thing...so I took myself and the two kids to Greece and he stayed at home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think that more information is needed to understand why DH is so concerned.

There are some variables. I’m assuming that your DS did not have any motor issues or swallow impairment. I ask as my son could not coordinate his swallow until he was much older and was still choking on bread ate too fast until recently. ( last choking incident about 3 years ago requiring the back slap) The last thing we would have wanted would have been for him to be distracted by a dog.

2 kids who have no disabilities this seems controlling but when one has a disability it might be more nuanced.

Wrist straps and wheel chairs can stop kids running off but it’s also the melt downs and self harming that might be an issue. I certainly took my kids out alone but I had a mature DD but it could be a struggle otherwise.

The OP needs to describe more the issues. Is he a controlling hobby or is one of the kids quite disabled and he is concerned about safety?

The dog is such a non-incident that I can’t help but feel this is just a way to separate you from your family that he’s leapt on. This is how coercive control starts. He doesn’t get to “let you” do anything, rigid thinking or not. This is his problem to resolve. People don’t stop seeing their family over a small difference of opinion where no-one got hurt. The “not backing him up” is equally icky. Why should you back him up when you disagree? You really must put your foot down on this, how he reacts will tell you what you need to do longer term…

I think it’s REALLY important that you don’t let Dhs anxiety and rigid thinking limit the children’s life experiences. Your dc already have challenges other children don’t and your job as their parents is to limit those as much as possible so they get to lead as full a life as possible. You both need to learn to take the children out independently and to foster really strong ties with your families because they will need those experiences as others may not be available. Fighting very hard for them. Not just you @ByCheeryWasp but your dh as well. Help him to understand what a huge resource he is squandering for them by not facing his own hang ups. Help them all participate in the world.

Remind him that if you divorce, you'll be taking the children on public transport alone all the time. As will he.

He is a controller, and you are already on eggshells.

I know this sounds mad but could you take an Uber? How far is it? Your mum is paying for the holiday so this would be your one significant cost. I’ve taken Ubers with the kids before on long journeys - the first time was when there were rail issues and it was only £40 more than the rail tickets would have been.

He was right about the dog, it was gross having the dog at the dinner table licking the children’s feet. You made him feel undermined by not supporting him when he made a reasonable request, so I can see why he doesn’t want to be in their company.

I think he’s being petty not agreeing to the children going. You need to sort out so you him the issue he felt upset about in the first place so you can all go together.

This! He has no right to tell you what to do. He isn’t the boss. It’s a loving, safe, enriching experience for your children. How dare he try and steal this from them because he’s having a tantrum. Honestly I’d LTB over this sort of controlling behaviour.

You can't live like this. What's he going to do when the 3 year old is 13 and wants to get the bus to his friend's house?

OP, are you actually saying that your DH won’t let you take BOTH children out when he is at work if you need to use public transport? If that’s the case you and those children must lead a thoroughly miserable life! FFS what does he think will happen to two children on a bus with their mum?
This is coercive control and the longer you allow him to impose this on you and the children the worse it will get.
FWIW, I would wait until he had gone to work and pack a bag and take both children away to the farmhouse with family….it sounds ideal!

He's not the boss of you. It really is that simple.

You are a parent of 2 children with full parental rights. If you want to take them on a bus or a train, you can do that without his permission.

Just because he doesn't feel capable of doing so doesn't mean you aren't.

I think you should tell him you're taking them to see your family, his issues are not your or your children's problem to solve, and he needs to get some help for his anxiety. Tell him it's a marriage dealbreaker if he doesn't start working on himself to see that you have an equal say in the marriage as a partner and as a parent, and he has to learn to cope if you don't agree with him on various issues.

@ByCheeryWasp you are in a controling relationship do you know that ?
Don't drive and not allowed to take your kids on a bus ffs.
I mean as for a dog under a travel scrounging at dinner I’d be pretty pissed too .
Your husband however can’t keep controling your life, if he doesn’t want to go fine but tell him you are going on holiday with your kids to see your family . Call him out on the control too.

You simply have to go and see your family as planned, if it is too much for him to cope with he has the option of coming with you.

This is very controlling behaviour, by contrast I’m taking the DCs to wales with my parents for a week and all my Dp has asked is if there’s any special tasks I want him to do while we’re away. It might be worth looking at his overall behaviour is he just like this with the dcs or is he controlling in other areas.

Take them both - and tell DH you will buy a wrist rein for your older DC if he is worried about him darting off.

He can’t limit you all because of his anxiety.