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Original poster

DH won't let DC go away with my family

194 replies

ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 13:24

Grateful for some advice. Me and DH have two DS, 3 and 6yo. 6yo is autistic & has fairly significant additional needs.

I have quite a large and close extended family. My mum has booked a farmhouse for a weekend at end of Aug for a big family gathering which will include my sister and BiL. No dogs allowed. We've been there before and it was lovely.

DH won't come to the weekend as he is upset about something that happened at Easter last year. We were at my parents house & sister & BiL were there at the same time. We were eating lunch & their dog was under the table & snuffling around my kids, licking their toes etc. My kids aren't used to dogs & thought it was hilarious. They were very giggly & not concentrating on eating. DH asked BiL to control his dog & BiL refused to put the dog in another room (I think as it would start barking). DH was extremely upset about this & says it was incredibly rude & inconsiderate of BiL. DH was also very upset that I didn't back him up & I don't see it as a big thing.

So DH is refusing to go to the weekend. That's fine, but the problem is that he won't let me take DC. As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair.

I feel really upset as I feel that he's stopping the kids spending time with my family and dividing me from my family. He says I can go alone, but I really want my kids to spend time with my family and it will be nice for them to have time in the countryside (we live in a flat in London without a usable garden).

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?

Thanks so much for reading this far.

OP posts:
Obimumkinobi · 30/07/2025 23:35

I think your DH's request to move the dog was entirely reasonable. I wouldn't relish a holiday where my inlaws and my spouse dismissed my concerns relating to my kids' safety as "not a big deal".

Whilst it complicates things, your DH's anxieties are an understable factor in this. What's you BIL's excuse - "noone tells him what to do with his dog?!" And when the dog's not there, what else does he control? TBH he sounds like the arsehole in this scenario.

Vaxtable · 30/07/2025 23:38

Just because he had a row with your bil and isn’t grown up enough to sort it or let it go doesn’t mean you and the kids should be penalised

I would be telling him to get over himself and out the kids first and go

Tiswa · 30/07/2025 23:47

You cannot let his anxiety dictate and I think you need to be very clear that you are going to take them on public transport and then discuss the family event making it clear how non negotiable it is for you

Fraggeek · 31/07/2025 00:11

My DH is autistic and we have our grumbles. He gets extremely anxious when I'm away (few times a year). But you know what? He encourages me to go despite this. He doesn't control me for what is essentially his issue.

RantzNotBantz · 31/07/2025 00:29

Obimumkinobi · 30/07/2025 23:35

I think your DH's request to move the dog was entirely reasonable. I wouldn't relish a holiday where my inlaws and my spouse dismissed my concerns relating to my kids' safety as "not a big deal".

Whilst it complicates things, your DH's anxieties are an understable factor in this. What's you BIL's excuse - "noone tells him what to do with his dog?!" And when the dog's not there, what else does he control? TBH he sounds like the arsehole in this scenario.

Nobody, not even the OP’s DH , was concerned that there was a safety issue wrt the dog.

Mrsgus · 31/07/2025 00:30

You are an adult and the children's mother, if you want to take them to see your family you bloody well take them. Your DH needs a massive reality check, if the dog had bit one of your DC's then you could understand him being like this, but this is a massive over-reaction and you need to put him back in his place. He is not your keeper or dictator and you are free to go where you like taking your DC'S with you!!

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 31/07/2025 00:37

Your DH’s autism is no excuse for excreting those level of control over you and your children. Your world will become very small if you allow this to continue.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 31/07/2025 00:43

He doesn't get to 'allow' you to do anything.
Please tell us you aren't financially dependent on this man.

Noshadelamp · 31/07/2025 00:52

Why did your DH think he could tell your BIL what to do at your parents house??

You're update explains about your DH's anxiety, don't pander to it as you're enabling him.
Pandering to his anxiety doesn't help him.
He will just find more and more to be anxious about and before you know it you are all sat in the house all day and night in the name of safety.

MarxistMags · 31/07/2025 00:56

@ByCheeryWasp Is there any way a family member could come and pick you and the 2 children up and take you to the farmhouse ?
The 2 children. Dad is being unreasonable for not going and for saying you can't go either.

FlutterBye32 · 31/07/2025 01:45

He sounds incredibly controlling, like he’s purposefully stopping you from seeing your family… you NEED to put your foot down now OP and say that you are going with both DC. He will only become more controlling if you don’t stand up to him. The control is gradual and thus gradually normalised. One key step in controlling behaviour/abuse however is separation from family, friends etc. he is quite obviously doing this

ByMintLion · 31/07/2025 02:16

How about he travels with you, dtops you all off? If it is really about the travel, problem solved

Psychologymam · 31/07/2025 02:35

Given the genetic links with autism and your husband’s rigidity of thinking, might his stance be explained by this? I would wonder if he would also reach threshold for dx? If so it might make it easier to talk with him with compassion about what his fears are for his children and who he trusts to mind them and how you could manage a weekend together or you with the kids to ensure safety?

HoppingPavlova · 31/07/2025 03:49

As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair

What have I read? Why would you even listen to him? Why wouldn’t you just look at him (use a puzzled expression) and say ‘I wasn’t asking for your permission, I don’t need that’, then just go take them on the bus? I can’t fathom that you have just gone ‘okay then’?

sashh · 31/07/2025 03:58

Surely the fact this is now a dog free gathering shows your DH that your family have taken on board his dislike of the dog licking.

If he doesn't want to go fair enough but you deserve a break and so do your children.

If he is that bothered about you being alone on the train then he can travel with you and then leave.

DreamTheMoors · 31/07/2025 04:06

There’s five words you need to say to Mr. Big Wonderful Boss Shithead:

I AM TAKING THE CHILDREN.

zaazaazoom · 31/07/2025 04:12

OP I understand your DH is autistic, but that doesn't mean he gets to dictate to you. You need to tell him that. He needs to get theraly for his anxiety. It can work wonders. My autistic friend got to a point she could let her teenagers out the house as she was so anxious about them and had some therapy specifically around this issue and now is fine.

I would also learn to drive.

babyproblems · 31/07/2025 04:48

Without reading your full post I can already say - your husband is an arse at best. At worst he is controlling and manipulative.
i think he is a shit partner to you and I think he’s a crappy dad. He has set red lines (control??) that are unreasonable and impact all of you. I don’t know if he has mental health problems but even if he dies it’s no excuse to put stupid boundaries in place that also affect your wife and kids. Honestly - he sounds like the opposite of your families’ values. Don’t give yourself up for a man like this- he will wear you down and there’s a lot in your post that makes me think your husband is insecure/controlling/uptight and very unreasonable. He thinks he’s the boss of you. Be careful xx

Umidontknow · 31/07/2025 05:23

Are you OK? This man sounds like a controlling arsehole. Just because he has autism it does not change the fact is behaviour is worrying and unfair to you and your children.

PigletSanders · 31/07/2025 05:24

Jesus, I couldn’t live with this controlling moron. Take them anyway, he’ll have to cope.

Noras · 31/07/2025 05:26

I have an autistic son myself.

When he was younger he would charge off across a park and across a road because for example he had on the ‘wrong top’. On one occasion I dropped my handbag with keys and wallet etc to run after him and stop him. If I had another younger child there I am not sure what I would have done. I was blessed in having an older child who acted like a second mother. However the road dash was alarming.

My DH would volunteer to pay for me to go to Majorca or Menorca with my kids to have an extra holiday as he was busy working. However the thought of managing DS through that journey was off putting. I did not even take him to see family abroad. I preferred to stay home with DH support than have to manage on a holiday especially as DS did not manage planes very well and talked about bombs etc as we boarded. ( and told check in once that we had dangerous substances in our bags!)

I am not sure of how your kids present but there are autistic kids I have known who are a real handful. They had 2:1 care at school. one young ASD chap would run off and the police had to send out a helicopter.

My son was on 1:1 dedicated ( not shared)
care and at times that person had their hands full due to witnessed self harm issues for which he had counselling weekly.

Some parents keep their ASD kids on reins - I did not do that. My son decided to start bashing his head on a wall one day whilst road side for no reason other than he was sick of life. He has a recorded history of banging his head on desk etc whilst at school / college. If I had another person to care for whilst walking him along that road it would be a struggle.

His PAs also sometimes struggles with him as he will decide to refuse public transport. We get calls to come to assist or if manageable they put him into an Uber. The last agency we had he had a major meltdown and we got called out of a party.

Last week my son flatly rejected 2 buses as too full so we had a cup of coffee and waited for the buses to become less full.

Unless you live the day to day experience of being a carer it’s hard to fully understand it.

So it really depends on a risk assessment that you do. Do you think that you can manage both on public transport with the worst case scenario of a meltdown?

I am just trying to understand the facts before it’s concluding that your DH is controlling.

Isitreallysohard · 31/07/2025 05:29

Put your foot down and take both, if he's that worried he should come too

Rosalind1971 · 31/07/2025 06:01

He sounds very controlling, I would definitely go and I would learn to drive asap . Grow a back bone tell him to piss off

newbie202020 · 31/07/2025 06:09

Does your husband have autism too? (Genuine question)

JessicaRabbit6 · 31/07/2025 06:13

ByCheeryWasp · 30/07/2025 13:24

Grateful for some advice. Me and DH have two DS, 3 and 6yo. 6yo is autistic & has fairly significant additional needs.

I have quite a large and close extended family. My mum has booked a farmhouse for a weekend at end of Aug for a big family gathering which will include my sister and BiL. No dogs allowed. We've been there before and it was lovely.

DH won't come to the weekend as he is upset about something that happened at Easter last year. We were at my parents house & sister & BiL were there at the same time. We were eating lunch & their dog was under the table & snuffling around my kids, licking their toes etc. My kids aren't used to dogs & thought it was hilarious. They were very giggly & not concentrating on eating. DH asked BiL to control his dog & BiL refused to put the dog in another room (I think as it would start barking). DH was extremely upset about this & says it was incredibly rude & inconsiderate of BiL. DH was also very upset that I didn't back him up & I don't see it as a big thing.

So DH is refusing to go to the weekend. That's fine, but the problem is that he won't let me take DC. As a general thing he won't let me take both DC on a bus/ train without him (we don't drive). I've then suggested as a compromise that I just take one child. He refuses this as it would be picking one child over another which he says is unfair.

I feel really upset as I feel that he's stopping the kids spending time with my family and dividing me from my family. He says I can go alone, but I really want my kids to spend time with my family and it will be nice for them to have time in the countryside (we live in a flat in London without a usable garden).

Do you think it would be reasonable for me to put my foot down & insist that I can take at least one child?

Thanks so much for reading this far.

Life is really too short for this kind of nonsense. Just go without him.