My partner told me the reason we aren’t engaged is me

[NeatGoldGuide]

I’ve been with my partner 7 years. We went out at the weekend and after a few drinks I had the courage to ask why we weren’t engaged.
He proceeded to tell me that because I’m not in the best financial position (I have a credit card with about £500 on it) and not much in savings, that it would be irresponsible of him to propose until I was more stable, financially.
does this seem fair? I feel like I have to prove myself before I am worthy of getting engaged.

100%. He thinks he's the boss of you and your life.

He should marry you for love not money.
Myself and dh married we had 0 savings. And a lot of debt. Thankfully that's all changed now

This^

Is he worried you’d expect him to pay for a wedding? Do you own a home or is this something you are looking to do?

I ask because once you are married everything is split and if he is a good financial position and feels like he would be expected to fund a wedding, and a house etc then it might not have been tactful but it’s understandable for him to not want to have all financial burden on him

Why has it taken him 7 years to come up with this (ok perhaps the first couple of years it was early days, but he’s had at least 5 to decide whether the relationship has legs, what might be blocking it etc).

He’s an arse, scraping around for excuses or else he would have brought it up by now. Wouldn’t surprise me if he moved onto someone else in due course - check you’re not wasting your fertile years on him.

I’ll bet you my right foot you could pay off that £500 and still no ring would appear.

I had one of those- wasted 7 and a half years on him. First it was that I was a student, then it was that we didn’t live together. Then it was we lived together but didn’t own a house. Then we bought the house and it, apparently, “wasn’t the right time”.

Spoiler alert- no ring ever appeared.

Unfortunately love and romance don’t pay the bills. Nothing wrong with wanting a financially responsible partner

You both had £0 savings, it’s a very different story if one of you has a lot of savings and maybe some assets to protect

You're wasting your time. He's never going to marry you.

He wants a woman who has money.

OP I’m really sorry but this is an excuse. He doesn’t want to marry you. Leave him - don’t waste any more of your life on a dishonest shitbag. He wants a woman with money and that alone should be enough to make you run.

This is a man who doesn’t want to marry you op. If it wasn’t this excuse he’d have another one. Raise your standards and find your self esteem and dump this specimen. Sorry op.

Due to a visit I made this week I witnessed a lot of older married couples together, and what I noted was that they laughed together, and that the men were so kind to their wives.

I reflected on how my husband treated me when we were married and I realised he was never like that with me. I, like you missed a lot of signs I now can reflect on and see meant he never really cared for me as a person and my happiness

dont make the same mistake. 7 years together and not married or even engaged shows no commitment, the fact he named your money as the issue emphasises even more that he’s not committed and if anything sees you as a financial burden not a loved equal who he wants a life partner in

£500 isn’t a lot and unless he has proof that OP is financially irresponsible he’s using it as an excuse not to marry. I’d bin him.

I've never heard such nonsense. Was he being serious? I never had anything when I got engaged.

How and why does he even know what's on your credit card? It's none of his business.
He doesn't sound like marriage material - I think you may just have been saved from a very bad decision, OP.

As usual the first reply nails it!
If it is true love he’d marry you if you were bankrupt.

I don’t think it’s wrong to not marry someone you aren’t financially compatible with - are you a ‘fritterer’ who spends all their wages or is it that you’re just on a lower income? However, he is unreasonable to stay in a relationship for 7 years with a woman he wouldn’t marry without telling her. You shouldn’t have had to ask.

This might have been a valid concern within the first year of the relationship - however, this is something that needs to be discussed in a transparent way. He is making excuses and doesn't want to marry you.

Eugh.

This sounds like one of those tedious 'seperate finances, even when we have dc, and you have to ask for money for nappies if you run short'.

Throw it back. There are many fish available, no need to bother with a tight one who doesn't even like you that much (if he was head over heels, he'd have already married you).

There’s a sunk cost fallacy here for the OP who has invested 7 years of her life with him and was waiting for an engagement ring. OP must have had a shock and be grieving the future she imagined. Most of us are saying LTB but OP has to process the rejection and think of next steps. I agree with PPs that an engagement ring is not going to appear. The good news is there’s more to life than marriage.

Totally agree. I’m not sure my DH did the smart thing financially when he married me - he owned a house and had far more in assets than me! I can totally understand that if you’re in a situation where it’s very unequal in terms of money, the person with more might be a bit wary.

Or it might be that OP doesn’t save despite being able to - if she’s got a good income but no savings, he might worry that they’ll never be able to save up for a house. Or that he’ll always be responsible for them being financially secure because she won’t put money aside.

Or he’s totally unreasonable, completely materialistic, and wants someone to fund him.

He wants to live with you as if you’re married but not be married.

Yeah I’d dump him and work on bettering my finances.

I could understand if you were a financial mess but debt of £500 and low savings just looks like he wants an excuse when really he just doesn’t want to marry you.

That’s fine but if you want marriage then - tell him goodbye.

I had this with my ex. Wouldn’t move in with me
until I had 10k in savings to match his. I worked part time so would have taken me years and years. He used to go mad if I went to get my eyelashes done and wanted a sit down talk each week to breakdown what I’d spent money on that week. I lasted a year then ended it with him. I couldn’t be with someone who was so controlling. Bin him off you don’t need to audition to be his fiancé. Ta ra love.

Perhaps the OP won’t be back …

But if she does return it would be interesting to know what sort of discussions they’ve had about finances in the past.

I mean, if this is a longstanding issue, where they continually make joint plans for saving and spending which are scuppered by the OP’s profligacy - well, that’s a thing.

But it does sound as if his unpleasant response came (entirely?) out of the blue. If that’s the case it’s horribly unfair on the OP, because it should have been something they’ve talked about before now.

I hope you've dumped him now OP