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Original poster

My partner told me the reason we aren’t engaged is me

222 replies

NeatGoldGuide · 29/07/2025 17:33

I’ve been with my partner 7 years. We went out at the weekend and after a few drinks I had the courage to ask why we weren’t engaged.
He proceeded to tell me that because I’m not in the best financial position (I have a credit card with about £500 on it) and not much in savings, that it would be irresponsible of him to propose until I was more stable, financially.
does this seem fair? I feel like I have to prove myself before I am worthy of getting engaged.

OP posts:
jackdunnock · 29/07/2025 18:09

NeatGoldGuide · 29/07/2025 17:33

I’ve been with my partner 7 years. We went out at the weekend and after a few drinks I had the courage to ask why we weren’t engaged.
He proceeded to tell me that because I’m not in the best financial position (I have a credit card with about £500 on it) and not much in savings, that it would be irresponsible of him to propose until I was more stable, financially.
does this seem fair? I feel like I have to prove myself before I am worthy of getting engaged.

Without knowing both your circumstances it's impossible to tell how whether he has a fair point or not.

How old are you both? Home owners or renting? Children? If you're child free and saving to buy a house together then -£500 doesn't seem great.

LovingLimePeer · 29/07/2025 18:12

I wouldn't marry someone if they didn't share similar financial values to me. Different ideas about how to spend/save money causes so much friction within relationships. If he sees you (in his view) squandering money, rather than using it towards shared financial goals, I understand his position.

So I guess your options are to talk about how to align your financial goals, accept a relationship without marriage on the cards, or split up if you're just not on the same page about future finances.

FloraBotticelli · 29/07/2025 18:15

I think it’s reasonable to want to know that your partner is capable of managing finances before you commit to a shared life with them. If you’re living together without any children and work full time, it does seem a bit poor that you have credit card debt and little in savings on the face of it. But much more information needed to understand whether there’s reasons for your situation.

Tbh I think there’s potentially bigger problems if 7 years have passed before you’re talking about the future together. Surely you’ve talked about your values on career, finances, children, marriage etc before now?

PerkyGreyWasp · 29/07/2025 18:16

Urgh. I always hear marriage talked about like it's something men dangle in front of women as though it/they are some prize to be worthy of. Statistically, men benefit much more from marriage than women do and it's the riskiest thing most women will ever do. Be glad you dodged a bullet and move on. He doesn't want to marry you or he would have done so already, regardless of your financial situation. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, other than your choice in men!

Pedallleur · 29/07/2025 18:16

Is he waiting for someone better/richer to come along? He isn't going to marry you. And if he did he would probably have a spreadsheet detailing your expenses

JohnTheRevelator · 29/07/2025 18:16

Sounds like he's just looking for an excuse.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/07/2025 18:16

This man is all about the money and always will be.

Everything will be about money. Cheap wedding. Kids? Childcare is your problem if you want to work. Dont want to work? Still need to pay 50%. Massively underearn compared to him? Still need to pay 50%. But if you outearn him, you should pay more than him. Everything will be counted to the penny.

EXCEPT your incalculable worth. What you do that doesnt cost anything in cash terms. So housework? Worthless. Childcare? Worthless. Life admin? Worthless.

Guaranteed if you won the Euro jobby tonight he would be getting down to propose so fast his knees would burst into flames.

Question to be asking now is "Why do I want to marry a man who only values me in cash terms?"

Sunshineofyourlove · 29/07/2025 18:17

Man's an arse.

Get rid.

babyproblems · 29/07/2025 18:18

Sorry but 500 on a credit card is an INSANE reason to not marry you. I expect he’ll never propose op somehow. That’s not the real reason. What he’s really saying is he doesn’t trust you / thinks you’re a silly woman. Not v respectful is he. I’d go as far as to say not the sort of man to marry!!!! You’d never be equal and also life is long and complex enough without him squabbling over 100£ which would clearly happen

PluckyChancer · 29/07/2025 18:18

A husband is someone you should be able to easily to talk to about anything and everything. If you’ve been together for 7 years already and still find it difficult to have a serious heart to heart conversation with him, he really isn’t the one for you.

I wasted 11 years with my ex and we split when I was in my mid 30’s assuming I’d never get married and have children. However, I met DH 2 years later and we’ve been together over 20yrs now and have kids.

Don’t waste any more years on this one!

GanninHyem · 29/07/2025 18:23

So I have an acquaintance who was in this position. Her boyfriend said he wouldn't marry her until she had wiped debts and saved X amount. (A few grand I believe), and if they bought a house she wouldn't be on the deeds. They have quite a disparity in income (she's a teacher, he in finance).

Well many years later, a very expensive house and 3 kids she isn't in debt and has savings but there is still no ring. No idea why they're happy but he's still dragging his heels. I don't think he ever wanted marriage and I don't think she will get it soon. All she wanted was her grandad at her wedding as they were very close but he passed earlier this year. So sad she doesn't see her worth.

If he wanted to marry you he would.

250mlmax · 29/07/2025 18:24

When DH and I bought our first house, he paid off £7k of my student loan so that we could get a better mortgage. Because he loves me and saw us as a team.

Your boyfriend is stalling. Please fuck him off and don't waste any more years on him.

Nikki75 · 29/07/2025 18:24

Don't waste anymore time with him ... I know it sounds harsh but he sounds like a prick and you will only waste time on him ... do you still want to be with him after him saying this ?

Ponderingwindow · 29/07/2025 18:25

Is there some backstory here? Is he expecting your situation to change?

Sunshineismyfavourite · 29/07/2025 18:26

He sounds charming! Do you live together and if so how do your finances work together?

Solongtoshort · 29/07/2025 18:28

What’s his financial situation? Do you live together and do 50/50 or split the bills as a % of your wages? Because if he earns more and you do 50/50 this would be the reason you need a credit card and have little savings.

All of the above is just a thought, l would be dumping him.

Thaawtsom · 29/07/2025 18:29

A friend of mine had £4k on credit cards and no savings. When her DH proposed, he cleared her debt as a wedding present so they could start their married life with a clean slate and properly combine their finances and manage their money together and work together on their spending and saving. They've had several children since then, have been married 20 years and it's all good.

Your boyfriend is not indicating that he is good husband material. Do not have children with him.

Theswiveleyeballsinthesky · 29/07/2025 18:29

sorry - He's never going to marry you, there will always be a reason why not

AhBiscuits · 29/07/2025 18:30

I think considering finances before making a long term commitment to someone is sensible, but I think there needs to be transparency about it from the start. 7 years is a long time to string someone along if you're never going to marry them. Is he in a much better financial situation than you?

Daisy12Maisie · 29/07/2025 18:32

I have a bf that I don’t live with so we have separate finances.
I know that when him and his ex partner moved in together many years ago he paid off her credit card debt and they were then together for 20 years before she ended if for someone she had met at work.
So if your partner was worried about the £500 he would pay it off.

If he thought you were a gambler/ irresponsible with money that would be different but £500!

If I was you I would end it. He has done you a favour letting you know his intentions.

NewbieYou · 29/07/2025 18:32

Mrsttcno1 · 29/07/2025 17:53

Hmm not enough info for me to say.

If you have no savings + debt, and he has £10,000 saved, I wouldn’t want to marry you and any woman posting on here with her own money & assets would be told not to marry a skint man and open herself up to him claiming any part of it. Totally fair advice.

If neither of you have any savings though then that’s different.

Prenups exist. I signed one that was fair to our financial situation.

marylou25 · 29/07/2025 18:32

As the saying goes he's just not that into you!

While there is some sense to making sure a partner is on the same page money/budgeting wise before committing it doesn't take 7 years to figure it out! You're not Miss Right, you're just Miss Right Now

Flamingoknees · 29/07/2025 18:36

Well this is an odd one - if I had loads of savings and no debt, I'd be wary of marriage to someone with little savings and some debt. However, neither would I stay with him, when he has waited 7 years, and had to be asked, to tell you his feelings. Sorry - it must hurt a lot after all those years.

Cattery · 29/07/2025 18:37

Tight-fisted arsewipe. Get rid asap

OneKhakiFish · 29/07/2025 18:41

Wow sorry OP that’s an awful excuse, 7 years and a paltry sum to be concerned about. You’re worth so much more than him, I hope you tell him a little white lie, oh I paid it off ages ago but didn’t think it mattered. I’ve decided to choose me so I’ll let you go now, off you trot