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Original poster

pension issue with DH

259 replies

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:11

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

OP posts:
AllotmentHappy · 28/07/2025 08:13

Is dc both of yours? Or dc just yours?

Original poster
Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:14

AllotmentHappy · 28/07/2025 08:13

Is dc both of yours? Or dc just yours?

They are ours. We have been married for over 20 years.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 28/07/2025 08:15

A divorce might give you access to half his pension! This might not be your preferred course of action, but perhaps the idea will give you bith some insight into how outrageous his behaviour is.

HermioneWeasley · 28/07/2025 08:15

Divorce him and take half his pension

NewYearNewName25 · 28/07/2025 08:16

Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this)

If you’re married, legally your finances are pooled surely, whatever ‘D’H says.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 28/07/2025 08:17

I’d divorce him and take half his pension too.

Original poster
Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:20

NewYearNewName25 · 28/07/2025 08:16

Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this)

If you’re married, legally your finances are pooled surely, whatever ‘D’H says.

well, in law but not in real life. I have no access to his accounts. No joint account. Just mine and his. I know what the law says but meanwhile in the real world (and I am currently not too bothered as I can pay all bills with a combination of PIP, child benefit and my salary).

Divorce isn't really an option at the moment.

OP posts:
XiCi · 28/07/2025 08:20

So how do bills and outgoings work now? Even if you have separate accounts I'm presuming bills are split proportionately to income and this would just continue in retirement. Or is he already financially abusive?

Slobberchops1 · 28/07/2025 08:23

You tell him you have sacrificed your career to care for your children, therefore he will need to step up and provide more support financially. Or you divorce and take half of it

Original poster
Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:23

XiCi · 28/07/2025 08:20

So how do bills and outgoings work now? Even if you have separate accounts I'm presuming bills are split proportionately to income and this would just continue in retirement. Or is he already financially abusive?

He pays certain bills, and others are in my name. It's roughly 50/50. Not according to income. I always have something left over and can go out for a coffee or rake the DC once a year away for a few days etc. I am not 'suffering' as a result of the spilt. I am pretty careful with money anyways so it's not a problem right now. I can cover everything I need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:26

Slobberchops1 · 28/07/2025 08:23

You tell him you have sacrificed your career to care for your children, therefore he will need to step up and provide more support financially. Or you divorce and take half of it

He says I wanted children more than him (true) so I should primarily provide. He says he gave me a favour and there are loads of things he couldn't do in live due to the DC and their needs (true) so if anything, I own him

OP posts:
doneandone · 28/07/2025 08:29

Wow....and you say divorce isn't an option? Why? Because you don't want to or for other reasons? I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who thought like that.

CreteBound · 28/07/2025 08:30

Jesus. You need to divorce this financially abusive arse and take half his pension. He’s absolutely horrific

mumonthehill · 28/07/2025 08:30

He is financially abusing you really and you need to reduce your 50% if you do not earn equally and put what you save into a pension. You really should not be accepting this financial situation.

Original poster
Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:31

doneandone · 28/07/2025 08:29

Wow....and you say divorce isn't an option? Why? Because you don't want to or for other reasons? I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who thought like that.

it's very difficult when you are financially on the back foot with caring for 2 disabled children, no support between and no opinion to go to work full time. Easy to say to leave when you are not in the situation.

OP posts:
wfhwfh · 28/07/2025 08:33

I genuinely don’t understand why people get married if they don’t want joint finances.

Was your husband keen on marriage, OP, or did he just agree because you wanted?

How does he see this working if you want to travel? What if you have to care for him in his later years?

This isn’t really a marriage. I think you need to have an open chat to understand his “vision” and then decide what you want. As PP have said, if you divorced you would have a claim on his pension

Anewuser · 28/07/2025 08:35

Things will come to a head before you’ve retired.

If you have twenty years to go before retirement, your children will clearly be adults by then, so their child benefit will have stopped and you won’t be receiving their PIP.

Your children will be adults so receiving their benefits in their own rights or if their care needs are high requiring social services involvement, then SS will be taking their benefits to pay for their care.

Your husband doesn’t sound very supportive, financially or emotionally.

You need to start protecting yourself now. You can pay into your own SIPP, and if you’re a non tax payer then the government top up your pension.

Even if you don’t earn much, as a family your husband should be paying into your personal pension.

If he won’t even discuss this then you have much bigger problems.

TwistedWonder · 28/07/2025 08:38

JFC - so he’s financially abusing you and gaslighting you into thinking he’s doing you a favour.
What a prize you’ve got yourself there!

So basically he’s punishing you for wanting kids? Why in the name of God have you tolerated this this so long?

Original poster
Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:38

wfhwfh · 28/07/2025 08:33

I genuinely don’t understand why people get married if they don’t want joint finances.

Was your husband keen on marriage, OP, or did he just agree because you wanted?

How does he see this working if you want to travel? What if you have to care for him in his later years?

This isn’t really a marriage. I think you need to have an open chat to understand his “vision” and then decide what you want. As PP have said, if you divorced you would have a claim on his pension

We got married young and didn't really discuss the ins and out.

We don't travel really together. I holiday with the DC and he goe on holidays on his own without taking us. We had maybe 2 family holidays with the DC over the last 15 years.

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 28/07/2025 08:40

I think you may have to consider the practicalities of a divorce. That way you'll get some / half of your collective assets.

He's shown you who he is you now need to act and not be passive.

candycane222 · 28/07/2025 08:40

You can't afford everything you need though can you? Because you need to be saving into a pension, and you aren't.

TwistedWonder · 28/07/2025 08:42

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:38

We got married young and didn't really discuss the ins and out.

We don't travel really together. I holiday with the DC and he goe on holidays on his own without taking us. We had maybe 2 family holidays with the DC over the last 15 years.

Show quote history

So you’re basically a single mum with a DH who lives the life of Riley and leaves you with a few crumbs?

You know this isn’t normal right?

Mumofteenandtween · 28/07/2025 08:43

Financially your best bet may be to divorce him just before retirement and take half the pension.

CuriousKangaroo · 28/07/2025 08:44

This is one of the most depressing posts I have read on here, not only because of his behaviour but your acceptance of the situation, because you are so downtrodden by his behaviour (which I think is financial and emotional abuse, frankly) that you can’t see it for what it is.

You do not “owe” him. They are his children too. This idea that you wanted them more so they are your responsibility both financially and in terms of caring is so messed up. You are married, you have joint children, you should be a team.

I think you would find yourself much better off, financially and emotionally, if you divorced this horrible, abusive, man. But you need to see it first, so I suggest as a first step, you do the freedom programme.

I’m so sorry, OP. I really hope you eventually see this for what it is and make a better life for yourself.

menopausalmare · 28/07/2025 08:45
  1. You need to stop paying 50:50 and top up your pension.
  2. Your partner needs to reduce his working days to care for your children so you can increase your working days and top up your pension.
  3. If your partner doesn't like 1 and 2, he needs to reduce his pension contributions and top up yours.