pension issue with DH

[Elephantonabroom]

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

I would be using my money for a decent lawyer in your case OP. He doesn't sound like a partner, he sounds pretty mean and callous.

I genuinely don't understand the joint finances. I stayed at home till children went to school then I worked part time. All money was our money and went into in one joint pot. We just had different roles of working and looking after the children. If instead I had worked both incomes would have gone towards paying childcare not just mine. Neither role was more important.

His children are equally his responsibility. He could have chosen not to have them. If he didn't want them he should have married someone who also didn't want children.

This. Tell him this in no uncertain terms. When I was married and the higher earner we pooled all our money. What is he doing with all the money he earns? Why is he so selfish? I could understand if you weren't married but you are.

I hope you don’t do any chores for him at all. Don’t clean his house, wash his clothes or cook his meals.

If you do, stop, or get him to pay you.

i would not say you are covering half your bills comfortably at the moment because one of those bills should be a pension payment. I would say pay that first every month, at least 250, then if you run out of money for other essentials/ bills that can bevdiscussed with dh. He is not being flexible or reasonable about the financial split and needs to see he should contribute more to everyday costs. After a few months of you saying there’s no money left for food by week 2/3 hopefully he’ll adjust automatically. Make sure the unpaid bill is one that affects him.
His attitude is not normal and you should consider if a retirement with him is one you want.

Setting aside the obvious issues that other posters have already mentioned and responding only to your question- if you can’t afford to increase your hours, wage, or pension contributions, then you can’t improve your pension no.

As an aside though I would really think about the relationship and marriage as a whole. If after 20 years and 2 children you’re still not a team then you never will be and I wouldn’t waste another 20 years here.

This is financial abuse.. You are being abused. You have been systematically abused for many years, to the point where this situation now seems normal and acceptable to you.

Please take on board what everyone is saying here (I know it must be very difficult).

Why are you with this prince / gentleman? Not.

He’s a selfish prick. You wanted kids so you should pay for them. Oh hell no. I bet he didn’t complain about all the sex to get them…

Why is divorce not an option? You may find out you’d get considerable more than you expect in a split. Half of his wealth is yours.

Are you thinking he loves you, as it doesn't feel like he does sorry. When you love someone you want the best for them. He doesn't give you much at all let alone the best. You just sound like a poorly paid housekeeper for him.

If it’s 50/50 and he earns 3x what you do , he’s financially abusing you.

You should be taking that money you put towards bills and putting it away for your future instead. Either that or your DH can cut hit work hours to do his share of childcare. When he pushes back on you cutting your share of bill contribution give him a bill for how much childcare/a carer would cost for your DC for the hours you coumd be working. Give him the choice to pay one way or the other.

He is sabotaging your safety for the future but you're letting him.

In what sense is this a marriage, a union?
What would you be losing if you left him, or indeed if he left you?

You don't have to divorce him now. You can wait until your children are adults and then you can take half his pension.

What a nasty nasty man.

Your life at the minute doesn’t sound great, so it feels like a question of choosing your hard. Yes divorce will be hard in the short term, but surely worth it to be free of this awful man. By retirement time you may have a full and rewarding life, whereas if you stay in this situation it will not get better.

It’s not much of a marriage OP. Some sharing of finances is normal especially when one partner is working less to do childcare. Would you like to separate from your husband if you could see a way financially?

He sounds like a catch! You are living as a single parent. Of course you will
get half his pension, it’s not upto him. I got half my ex husbands. If your children are disabled I’d guess you’ll get more than 50% . You will be better off financially and emotionally

Draw up an invoice for the cost of the caring you are doing for your DC and ask him to pay it- use that money to boost your pension.

I can’t completely refrain from saying LTB because I can’t imagine staying with anyone like that. I think you should see if you could separate

However in terms of finances, it sounds like you need to increase your income and minimise any expenditure.

I would go on money saving expert and complete a financial statement of affairs. This is where you list all your income and expenditure, debts and assets to get a financial picture of where you are. If you post in on there, people might be able to make some suggestions about cuts you could make. Even saving ten pounds a month on your mobile phone that you could pay into your pension for the next 20 years is going to help, so this is important.

I would also see where your pension or pensions are invested and what fees you are paying. Fees can vary a huge amount and again, that’s money that could be in your pot. I have a workplace pension through my employer (only way to get their contribution) and a SIPP elsewhere for contributions above the 5% as the fees are a lot cheaper.

There is lots of information out there about investing, try something like Pete Mathews podcasts, rebel finance school on YouTube.

The next thing I believe you need to do is increase your income, is there any scope for extra hours or occasional overtime or a promotion? It might be hard but could family help or a reciprocal child care arrangement with another parent? If you can’t do that, what about side hustling some extra cash? Bank swapping, surveys, cash back sites, cash back credit cards, mystery shopping etc? There is a trading allowance of £1000 that you we have without paying tax for this. Do you sell the children’s old toys or clothes and make a bit extra? There are ideas online and even if you don’t make a fortune it adds up over decades.

I wouldn’t tell him what you are doing and I don’t think how you split your finance is fair so personally I wouldn’t feel guilty about getting cash back at the supermarket and keeping that. Low amounts so he didn’t notice.

Honestly get information on what benefits you would be entitled to if you separate, see a solicitor to understand how a financial split may work and gather info on your mortgage etc. you may choose not to leave but at least understand what life might be like if you did.

What is your DH’s suggestion when you have explained this to him? Currently when you retire you won’t be able to pay your 50% contribution. It then becomes his problem too. Have you explained this to him? Does he expect you to move out if you can no longer afford 50%?

he won't engage in a conversation

and thank you @Chocja. That is really helpful. a few things to look into. 🙏

If your earnings take you over the earnings limit for Carer's Allowance, you can get 50% of pension contributions disregarded in order to get under the earnings limit. This would allow you to build up more private pension and also qualify for Carer's Allowance (which pays Class 1 NI contributions towards a state pension).

For example, the earnings limit is £196pw, and if you earned £236pw, you could put £83pw into your pension and your earnings would be treated as being £194.50, which is below the earnings limit. You'd get Carer's Allowance paid of £83.30pw so you'd still have the same disposable income. You might have to play around a bit with numbers depending on your wage, and if it's above £390ish, then you won't be able to reduce it enough through pension alone. You can also deduct any childcare or carer costs if you need to pay for someone to look after your disabled child while you work.

I wish I could be of more help.

There is no easy solution here but there are money matters boards and lots of supportive posters on MSE. start a financial diary, join a money making challenge. Building up your pension isn’t going to be easy or quick but find a small bit of extra income to put in will help you.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Are either you or your husband likely to get an inheritance? If you are likely to get a larger one than him, I hope he wouldn’t try and take it for the family.

If you have 2 disabled children amd onky getting PIP for one, can you apply for PIP/DLA for the youngest too?

Will your children ever live independently or will you be a carer indefinitely? What would your husband do if anything ever happened to you? He doesn't seem to appreciate that his children are his responsibility too!

divorce your husband and fight for half his pension