pension issue with DH

[Elephantonabroom]

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

I am so sorry , l am a chap and l did earn a good salary, my wife was at home , we shared everything l even put money away in a private pension for her when we both retired her private pension and state pension where nearly the same a month , married 60 years and she said she was happy ,marriage is a joint thing it's called love. My wife passed in March and l get 50 per cent of her private pension. That makes one so sad , can only suggest you could take out a private pension if it's possible ,so sorry marriage is a 50 /50 thing , Won't hubby help support you to get a better private pension. William

Good plan and good advice.

Your comments about how he doesn't like you and you don't really like him are really heartbreaking. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

The best outcome really would be a divorce - with there being an equal split in assets/property. You wouldn't be taking anything, despite how he might see it. You are more than entitled to half given your contribution (financially and in terms of the sacrifices you've made to raise your children).

No one on here can push you to do something you don't want to, and it's terrifying to upheave your entire life, but you really do deserve a better life than this.

A solicitor can help you understand what you're entitled to and how the process would work, even if you aren't quite ready to proceed.

It sounds like when (if) you retire, you and husband (not dear! He’s awful!) will be very much living separate lives. He’ll have money to burn and you’ll be penny pinching. I appreciate from what you say that it’s difficult for you to leave due to your children, but you might be eligible for more benefits if you were no longer married. I’m sorry and I wish you luck.

It makes me so sad to read about how so many husbands hate their wives. You don’t owe him, he could have refused to have children. It doesn’t sound like he does anything to help you with the children, so would you really be worse off if you divorced him?

Absolutely, this is how it should be. I earn three times what my husband does and our money is pooled. His pension contributions are exactly the same as mine.

This is why DH and I for over thirty years have always split bills proportionally to income.

OP this is absolutely horrific, what a horrendous man.

This is no way to be treating a spouse.

Wow just wow your "D"H attitude is absolutely abhorrent and no way should your financial set up be 50/50!

I think you need to open your eyes and realise this is financial abuse if he refuses to pay for his children and thinks you owe him.

I'm married and in financial different position from my DH - we do bills on a ratio based on income with me paying more in.
Although my pension is in my name and should work out reasonable, I view it as a collective pot for us both.

I agree with a lot of the comments and so I won't repeat all of that again.
I did want to suggest that you could do some research on SIPPs. A self invested personal pension where you contribute and it automatically gets 20% added to by the government (you can add your dc pensions in it too). You could set it up, select a global tracking fund and just a bit each month now could build up. Also, when you divorce, you could have your half of the pensions put into that. There are a few YouTube videos about SIPPs, opening SIPPs, etc. Just a practical idea to answer the question you asked. In 10 years, rough calculations, 25pcm becomes 4k, 100pcm becomes 20k. Then you can look at 4% withdrawal to top up your state pension. Of course, if you are planning on divorce in a few years, it might be worth seeing what info you can gather about his accounts while you line up your ducks so you know what he really has.

I have no advice, I think you need some from a sound source, but omy goodness I feel for you. You sound like a lovely woman with a very controlling husband. Much love.

What an arse.

I'd divorce him closer to retirement and take your half of the marital assets. His pension are marital assets.

I wouldn't live like a second class citizen in your own home when you retire. You're supposed to be in this together. He's in it for himself. The fact you're paying 50/50 etc when he earns so much more is telling about what retirement will also be like.

Get a good lawyer.

I'm so sorry OP, what a nasty man your DH is.

I know you said you can't divorce at the moment but you would actually be better off financially if you divorced him as he would have to support you and the children plus you would get half his pension. Don't wait too long to divorce him as otherwise he will be entitled to half your inheritance, or at the very least would use it as an excuse not to pay any support

He earns 3 times what you do and you have to use your child’s pip to pay bills? That’s disgusting! And you’re worried about retirement even though he’s well off and you are caring for his children meaning you are unable to work! This is complete and utter abuse! You need to try to leave, you and your children deserve more, your wage would be topped up and he’d have to pay maintenance

Go together to seek financial advice from your accountant.
Discuss three items brought up by menopausalmare.

Just discussing the future with a third party could be beneficial.

This was my first thought.

Otherwise, look up the law on coercive control: it includes financial abuse.

This is a terrible situation for you to deal with @Elephantonabroom
As others have said, you need a good lawyer. You would have access to his pension and other assets if you did divorce so would actually be better off than you are now.

He says I wanted children more than him (true) so I should primarily provide. He says he gave me a favour and there are loads of things he couldn't do in live due to the DC and their needs (true) so if anything, I own him

wow just wow. Regardless of feelings before hand they are here and he is their father. This is really upsetting to hear any parents say this. You really need to think about your future in terms of just you (and kids obviously). If uping your work isn’t an option
Divide the bill more fairly according to income, start squirrelling away what you can.

I agree with this. You really need to renegotiate your marriage contract.

Also, rather than a pension top up, you could consider that yourself & your husband save towards acquiring a buy to let property instead that you then would manage & benefit from directly.

If ye saved enough for a deposit say, then assuming you have some spare time, (as you say you cannot get more hours) & think you could manage a rental property in your spare time, (it's not that hard tbh, provided that you're OK with admin, managing money (rents, paying mortgages & bills) & managing handymen & chores,).

You could then rent this property out & pay down the mortgage using rents alone hopefully, (don't forget to factor in taxes) which would be then just about be fully paid off at your retirement age...
(Then the rents are all yours when you most need them).

I like this option for you because

1. It utilises some of your spare time
2. You get a side hustle
3. Prudent mortgages & debts tend to mostly go down, while asset prices & rents go up & mostly well ahead of cpi too generally
4. You might even roll your equity over in this first property into acquiring a second rental property 5-8 years hence, provided it's performing well & it's capital price has gone up significantly.
5. You then will have 2 houses potentially to leave to your disabled/ special needs kids in time, which also offers peace of mind to you, your DH & your kids (&/or whoever may need to care for them)

If ye can generate the savings to do this I would jump at this option tbh.

P.s. I don't have a clue about the residential market in the UK, but tbh don't get too concerned about that ime. Instead try to acquire as good a property, in as good a rental area as possible for you, that may benefit from long term uplifts such as a university / hospital / commercial activity expansions, new transport links or whatever in time (I.e. over the next 10-15 yrs say).

Good luck OP!!

Legally speaking the DH's salary is his. He can pay it into a separate bank account. So all this family money stuff is a myth.

I know you say you can leave as you need two people to care, but what if one of you got ill or passed away? You would get a social work assessment and a care package to support you. And you can contribute to this with your child pip, which it’s supposed to go on. I know it feels scary and you can’t face it but I just can’t imagine living with this awful man

Most occupational pensions give a survivors pension, so you should get something from his pension scheme if he were to die. I get 50% of my husband’s should he die before me. You can also defer claiming your state pension and that will increase what you get. Just tell DH he needs to contribute more so you can increase your company pension contributions! Do you both have life assurance? As that would be a bigger concern should either of you die and you have children with special needs.

this is so sad to read. he doesn't like you or your DC by the sound of it.

It isn't fair for you to pay 50/50 if he earns 3 x more. He should be paying a higher ratio than you. He should also be paying into a pension for you because you are looking after the DC.

You need to seriously look at all this with him. Download the MSE budget planner and put everything onto it, go through it with him, with access to all bank statements etc. Work together as a family, to work out a fair split.

He is a selfish man

But OP paying proportional to your income means you'd have more to put away in a pension. Just because it works ok now doesn't mean it's ok!

Divorce and he'd likely pay you spousal, and you'd get half his pension.

I'm not saying do that but you owe him nothing. He owes you!

£100 a month over 20 years will improve things. But you've got to start now, the more you can put away for this the better it'll accumulate and compound over time.