pension issue with DH

[Elephantonabroom]

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

if he won’t engage in convo then stop being so reasonable. Stop paying some of your bills and tell him, I’m not paying for these any more , make sure his name is in the gas, electric, water and council tax and just refuse to pay. Threaten mutually assuranced destruction. If both your names are on them, he is just as liable to pay them as you. Tell him you can no longer afford them as he is financially abusing you and you need to start putting your money towards your future as you are in a very precarious stituatiom and remind him how much you’d be entitled to if you ever get divorced

@Elephantonabroom your husband is nasty. He must be saving at least 2/3 of his salary .
Id genuinely divorce this man . He is horrible .
You will be much better of in the long term .
Can you do the calculator op and see what UC top up you would get then you have your wages etc and he would be liable for maintenance .

I think this man is only staying with you so he doesn’t have to share his money , as that’s the only way he is getting away with it

I wouldn’t trust he be around in retirement and I wouldn’t trust he won’t leave once all kids are 18 and he doesn’t have to pay.

Id get my future sorted a NOW and without him

What are your chances of inheriting from your parents/ aunts/ uncles? If there's a realistic chance of inheriting serious money at some stage it might be worth working out a way for them to leave it to you in such a way that it doesn't become part of your joint marital finances. You can then divorce, take half his pension and the value of the house, leave him and then access your inheritance live independently.

Will there be a point when your children won't need you? What options do you/they have? If they will soon be living independently then the picture changes.

Whatever you do, plan. Create a contingency savings fund in order to be able to get away if you have to. If inheritance isn't on the horizon, I think you need to get help to work out your options now before it's too late. That may involve a solicitor, to find out exactly what your rights are. I don't know whether, in a marriage, you have a legal right to know what your spouse is earning and the level of their savings and investments or not. Did you know how controlling and mean he was before you married?

How are you saving for your pension? In your case, as you seem to be saving relatively small amounts, it may be most tax efficient for you to put it in a stocks and shares ISA rather than paying the fees that pension companies charge. Something like Vanguard offers a range of investments at very low cost. Some pensions companies charge 1%+, which can add up to a significant loss over the years.

I should inherit a property from my parents provided it doesn't go on care. It would be worth in the ballpark of 250k.

I am hopeful that one will be fully independent. The other one will need lifelong looking after. Will never work or be independent. I plan to care for them as as long I physically can. I would leave them to the state thing how dire things are. I want them to have a good life and I can, with sacrifices on my end, make that possible.

I pay 8 percent into my work pension scheme and employer matches that but since my annual salary is about 16k annually, it's not huge amounts.

This.

@Elephantonabroom are you actually happy in this relationship?

If you left you would more than likely be entitled to Universal Credit which could be quite generous as your DC have DLA/ PIP.
Also , try selling old toys and clothes on Vinted . My DD does this and can easily make an extra £30/£50 per month .

But you are not covering everything you need because you have no pension to speak of. Would tell DH you are putting £250 a month (or more) of your wages into a pension (top up your work pension or start a private one). Then he can pay £250 more towards bills. Sounds like he can afford it.

Bit of a misleading title? It’s not ‘Dh pension issue’ it’s ’Dh selfish bastard and I can’t afford to leave him’ issue, right?
After this length of time I’d be surprised if he could change his ways, the self serving lifestyle is probably too ingrained.
But if you stay as you are, by the time you stop working, there will have to be a change in financial arrangements, if nothing else. And when the kids are grown, you’ll be holidaying alone at Butlins while he’s still swanning around….
Something needs to change, and it’s about when: Now, when the kids are adults, or when you stop working. I’d be tempted to see a lawyer now: you might find that the chances of a generous (better than 50/50) settlement are better now while the kids are young and need to stay in their house, and of course he’d have to pay CM. Your available income will only reduce in time as they grow up and you stop working. It’s going to be difficult to work out detailed options without knowing what savings, pensions, etc he has, but I have a feeling that going now may be your best bet.

I would be really brave here and start planning your exit from your financially abusive and emotionally abusive H now and certainly before your kids turn 18.

Your marriage to him is over anyway because if the abuse he metes out to you and in turn his kids who he likely sees as an inconvenience too.

You’re not covering your pensions costs and you’re desperately scrabbling around for more money whilst he lives like a king. You simply do not have enough money to live on because he also has this 50/50 split with the bills.

A chat with a local firm of solicitors to you will prove helpful as would contacting Women’s Aid when he is out. You cannot go on as you are and carer burnout is a real threat also to you.

And you do not owe him anything, let alone a marriage or relationship here. I would also assume your kids know something is badly amiss between you and their dad and they can see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to each other.

These are best options . Fair to say this is a really depressing post OP, mainly because you seem to be so accepting of your situation!
This is not a normal partnership .You need to look at the Freedom program to help open your eyes to your situation.

How is that helpful. And no, I am not that stupid despite you implying it. Do you have any idea what it takes to raise two children with very complex needs? If you don't have anything useful to say is it really needed to stick the boot in??? Feeling better by kicking someone who is always down?

Do you feel like he’s financially abusing you? Get some legal advice. You don’t need to divorce him now but find out what you’ll be entitled to once your children are older. You can then plan accordingly.

He sounds vile, and he obviously does not care for your wellbeing, I’d stop being so reasonable and start playing dirty.

I am sorry for your situation but can you not see how controlling your DH is? Everything seems to revolve around what he wants. Does he engage with the children? Does he love the children? The fact that he says he did you a favour "letting" you have children is a huge red flag.

Do you love your DH? Enough to stay in this situation for the rest of your life? Please think about what others have said. You might find that divorce is easier than the life you currently have!

Will he expect a share of your inheritance from your parents if you get it?

He is ok with the DC and does his bit. I wouldn't be able to live alone with them. One has frequent hospital admissions, being on my own isn't practically possible at all.

No, I don't like him and he doesn't like me I guess. He doesn't even talk to me. I can only speak to him to answer questions. when I just want to talk about stuff I get told off as he hasn't asked. But ultimately, the DC need a lot of support and they are my priority and it takes 2 adults for now. Further down the line ,one will hopefully fly the nest but the other one won't. So I have accepted that my live is just very limited. I cannot just go out and meet friends (in fact, non left), I cannot do stuff for myself or on my own, what I can work is extremely limited and with being a carer for someone who will never be independent and hopefully outlive me, I will just never be 'free' like others. And I have made my peace with this. This isn't meant defeated. I am just realistic about what the future with a severe learning disabled adult child will look like. I may consider divorce once one of my children is hopefully independent and I will only need to look after one child. I can do that solo.

What an awful situation for you. How old are your DC? Do you have long to wait?

What a sad thread.

Op, I hope that you are getting some useful information from it.

Teens, will be a few years until one of the will be able to leave home. Hopefully in the next 5-7 years if all goes well.

I have everything crossed for you. Sorry, I couldn't provide you with any practical advice now.

OP I think that you are doing well under the circumstances. Caring for your children and working part-time with minimal support. I wonder if there are any other options for your children? Grants? Holiday scheme,? Respite? Apart from that there are only 2 options to make sure you have a comfortable retirement and that's to increase your income or reduce your expenses and that's been well covered. You are aware and making plans so that's a real plus.

we don't qualify for grands, school holidays schemes don't run for those who are 15/16/17. We get respite for one of them but it's only 3h per week and a drop in the ocean and took years of begging for support. We don't get that increased.

and thank you. considering it all, I do agree, I keep a lot of plates spinning. I would love to give up work as I really struggle with this on top of everything but I won't for obvious reasons.

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms I'd be divorcing him and taking half of everything, including his pension.