pension issue with DH

[Elephantonabroom]

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

OP, in reality its not even you paying 50-50 because some of your money is coming from your child's PIP. So your child is effectively paying because their father is too financially abusive to pay his proper share.

Also there will come a point where your children become adults and then that PIP will be theirs, not able to be used as part of the family pot. Or if they live independantly, likewise. And child benefit will stop.

The children are his but he wants you to fund them?

What if one wants to try to go to university? My son, who gets PIP, is going this september. The PIP will help him and DSA and the university are putting alot of stuff in place to support him, but I work and have UC so he will get a full grant. If your husband earns alot, then chances are that your child wouldnt qualifty for a full loan, and his father would be expected to add a contribution. Will he deprive his child of an opportunity because there is no way you will be able to afford it with your reduced income.

Sending sympathies. Your husband sounds awful and I totally get that you're stuck at the moment. He's clearly hugely resentful at the way things have turned out and blames you for both having children and for their additional needs. But you've got through this long, hopefully 5 more years and divorce will resolve your pension concerns whether your selfish husband likes it or not. Do as much as you can for your wellbeing and personal finances in the meantime. What goes round comes around.

Why is Divorce not an option?

Another one saying divorce him.

OP - PIP is paid to your eldest. You might receive the money as DWP advocate but it is not your income to support 50:50 split of household None of it is available unless a proportion is used to pay increased expenditure to meet needs of disability. The rest is to be used to aid personal independence of your DC. At the very least exclude PIP and child benefit from your income and proportion split according to earned income. So he pays 3x more to usual shared costs.

Totally this. In such a long (legally recognised) relationship and the necessity for you to be part time the law recognises the disparity even if your husband doesn’t!

She’s already answered that. She has 2 disabled children fully dependent on her and their father. She has said she can’t look after them alone.

This. I am astounded daily how some women live with abusive men.
Another 20 years of this ?

Are you sure divorce isn't better? He would have to pay child maintenance, at least until the youngest is 18 assming you take sole custody. You'd get a share of the marital home (probably 50%)and a good slug of his pension.

Yes you might have to pay carers to cover the times when your DH is currently available but financially it might be the better option , given you're not really in a relationship with him now as it is.

My child has severe learning difficulties, no capacity. Uni isn't even remotely a possibility. I said before that DC has a severe cognitive impairment. No idea why people assume they will go on to study. Not going to happen, they will need lifeline 24/7 care/support of some sort. I am therefore not worried about losing PIP. DC cannot count or handle money, I take care of it.

Op said the complex needs of the 2 dc need 2 adults.

I know what you are saying but that money is his not to pay household bills that his father could be paying, what happens when you try to discuss this or you showed him this thread? Does he get aggressive? Does you or his family know how you manage things financially? My family would be supporting me to leave and would be unable to be in the same room as him, if you have kept this all to yourself you must feel so defeated 😞

This is a terrible case of financial abuse and I've seen plenty on here. I don't think you're stupid, just a boiled frog. Can you talk to a lawyer just for a consultation or Women's Aid ?

Please take some proper guidance not just from mumsnet. I’d suggest consulting a lawyer even if you aren’t thinking of divorce

Obviously we don’t have the full picture but from
what you’ve said this situation you are in sounds awful and is domestic abuse. I’m no expert but I’m sure there’s some charities you could speak to who would help.

In reality if you were to get divorced you’d get more than half. You’d get half his pension and assets to include financial support for your children. You really don’t need to worry about further financial provision for yourself for the future.

This is financial abuse. I know you have enough on your plate, but if you could quietly find some wage slips/pension details, bank statements of his and consult a lawyer you may find yourself being better off for divorcing. Even if it's not now, knowing where you stand in future if one of your children leaves home might help you feel more positive.

Sound advice.

The best thing you can do is divorce him. You’d be far better off than you are now and won’t have to worry about your pension. What a horrible man he is to treat you, his wife and children in this way. Made even worse that you have disabled children. You shouldn’t have to scrimp and save to make sure the bills are paid. He sounds like something out of the victorian age. Desperately sad. You don’t need to live like this. Please get a plan together and divorce him sooner rather than later.

Jesus wept OP. This is abuse. What does he do with his money ? I simply don’t understand why you would stay with someone who thinks and behaves like this towards his family. I’d be looking for a divorce and to take him for half of everything.

Can you ask him to make regular payments into your pension? With the tax it would be an additional 20% extra. Maybe say it's a tax efficient way of helping you in retirement.

I would seriously be contacting women’s aid and a solicitor all in confidence of course.. get your ducks in a row and inform him things need to change. Sorry to be so frank but you are going to have a very miserable old age with this chuffer!

This sounds tough OP. You are clearly a wonderful and devoted mother and you are putting your DCs first. I don't think people are being particularly helpful here saying just divorce him, clearly things are way more complicated than that. You asked for advice on how to improve your personal finances.

I'm afraid I don't have any huge nuggets of wisdom - I wish I did! Of course a higher paid job would help you to make bigger pensions contributions - would this be an option at all? Even in 5 years or so. Could you work towards a different career or something better paid? Not that you probably have a lot of time for extra study! You said your parents have a home that you will inherit. How is your relationship with them - would they be able to help you at all and release any funds for you? Other than that, I can't imagine what else you could do. Sending hugs to you OP.

OP I’m very sad to read this. I was in a similar situation when I was younger (I’m early 60s and husband is 69), though none of our 3 children had additional needs. I went part time after our first DC, to support husband studying while working. He went on to have a very successful professional high earning career. I stayed at a lower grade in my public sector job as it offered flexibility for those with families (ie women) inc a 5 year career break. I never worked full time again, as his ‘big job’ required long hours and working away. I ran the household and all our lives alone while juggling PT work. In those days we didn’t have a joint account, although he paid the mortgage and utilities and house repairs, he expected me to cover literally everything else inc food, furniture & household goods (eg beds and bedding, wardrobes, decorating etc), DC’s clothing, birthday presents, Christmas, holidays, school holiday outings, my car - the lot. Even his own family’s birthday/Christmas presents! When I eventually said I was struggling he reluctantly agreed to ‘top me up’ with a monthly allowance. 15 years later this amount hadn’t changed despite his rising earnings/cost of living and we had a huge row. I insisted on a joint account with an equal ‘personal spend’ going to our own accounts. But it was still unequal really, as that personal spend was all I had for myself whereas he had far in excess of that due to his high earnings. I remember a meeting with a financial advisor who recommended he poured as much as possible into a free standing pension pot, as he’d get tax relief on pension contributions as a higher rate tax payer. When I made a case for MY pension being topped up with that money instead, they both looked at me as if I had two heads. Fast forward to now…. my husband has Alzheimer’s and I’m his full time carer. I had to retire early 18 months ago as I could no longer meet his increasingly complex care needs, even WFH and part time. I don’t get state pension for another 3 years, and my pension income is less than half my old monthly pay. By next year he will need full time care in a home, at which point all his income - generous private occupational pensions, additional free standing pension pot and state pension, will all be scooped up by our local council for his full time care fees. Leaving me with a pitiful pension of my own to live on and maintain our house. If I sold and downsized, I’d only get half the proceeds as his half would go to his care fees. Don’t be me OP please, don’t be me!!

This.

'Managing' financially needs to include you being able to put money away for your future. If he's effectively the only person in the family putting money away for his future, he's financially abusing you.

You say that divorce isn't an option right now, and I understand there may be many reasons for that - but somehow or other money needs to be freed up from 'his' share to put towards your future. Otherwise I'm sorry, I'm with other posters who think you should explore what you might be awarded in a divorce - at least so that you have all the relevant information before making a decision.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

This 👍
Honestly I find some threads on Mumsnet really depressing.

You holiday with DC, he goes alone. Bills are split 50/50 even though he earns 3x as much as you? Wow! Why do you put up with this? What will you do for money when you no longer get CB and PIP?