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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

pension issue with DH

259 replies

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:11

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

OP posts:
Lovelynames123 · 28/07/2025 19:50

This is disgusting, your H is disgusting (I won't add the D because he isn't)

Honestly, my xh and I have a fairer financial relationship that you do with your actual husband, and between ourselves, not court ordered...

Divorce, you'll be loads better off, you shouldn't be in a marriage and pleased because you can afford the odd coffee, whilst he rakes it in. Give your head a massive wobble, strangers on the Internet are offering your more moral support than him!

SharpLily · 28/07/2025 19:54

If all this is true (and it's so horrific I am wondering if it can be), then chances are you'd be better off financially if you were to divorce. You'd certainly be better off in every other way.

Irishpoppy · 28/07/2025 20:02

candycane222 · 28/07/2025 08:40

You can't afford everything you need though can you? Because you need to be saving into a pension, and you aren't.

This! Sorry OP. Your posts are hard to read. Especially what appears to be acceptance by you of his financial abuse. You deserve more than this.

SwirlingAroundSleep · 28/07/2025 20:06

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 19:07

I .am really getting upset by some of the responses insinuating that I am milking my DC. I would be so much better ofv if I could work full time and not care every waking hours on top of work.

Thanks everyone who offered meaningful advice. there is certainly a lot to take away and to look. but I will be leaving this thread now.

You’re not using it incorrectly at all, but your husband is. He’s profiteering of their PIP by not paying his fair share of the household bills and leaving you unable to use their PIP for more fun things (like the holidays you mentioned which I imagine cost a fair bit). He’s laughing all the way to the bank whilst you scrimp and save. He’s a financially abusive arsehole.

Wiltingasparagusfern · 28/07/2025 20:10

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 19:07

I .am really getting upset by some of the responses insinuating that I am milking my DC. I would be so much better ofv if I could work full time and not care every waking hours on top of work.

Thanks everyone who offered meaningful advice. there is certainly a lot to take away and to look. but I will be leaving this thread now.

This place is horrible. I’m so sorry. You sound like a great mum. Please contact Women’s Aid. Talk to your parents about their will - maybe they can leave their house in trust or there’s something they can do to stop him getting at your money. Start planning now even if you being able to manage on your own is a few years‘ off. Some of us are rooting for you, I’m so sorry that others are so ghastly x

Enrichetta · 28/07/2025 20:12

@Elephantonabroom - I don’t understand why you can’t divorce him? Right now he doesn’t seem to contribute anything to the household and family life - other than the huge stress associated with him being in your life.

Can you contact CAB and/or Women’s Aid and find out what you would be entitled to if you divorced. Hopefully they will also be able to advise about the practicalities involved in caring for disabled children post-divorce, or at least they can point you to organisations that can help.

Also consult with an experienced family solicitor to get an idea what financial consent order you could expect. If you decide to stay - which I would not recommend!! - ask the solicitor how you can ring fence your expected inheritance and invest it for your retirement.

Bottom line: you are being abused. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft may provide some useful insight. There is a free PDF online.

AlphaApple · 28/07/2025 20:22

Some posters really need to get another hobby. OP is clearly in a very difficult position, that no one can fully appreciate as she has given scant information (rightly so).

No one knows what her practical or financial position would be should they divorce. Her husband is a higher, but not a high earner(3 x £16k is £48k) No one knows his pension provision or his savings. No one knows how big their mortgage/rent is or if they have any other debts.

Caring for two disabled children is relentless. There is very little help available and there is no guarantee that OP would get any more help if she divorced.

If you really have to berate people on the internet fuck off to AITA on Reddit.

MsPengiuns · 28/07/2025 20:28

I would get this moved to something like SN chat so you get kind replies from people who understand what PIP is for and the realities of caring for disabled children. You sound like you are doing your best in challenging circumstances.

Welshmonster · 28/07/2025 20:36

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 10:00

I should inherit a property from my parents provided it doesn't go on care. It would be worth in the ballpark of 250k.

I am hopeful that one will be fully independent. The other one will need lifelong looking after. Will never work or be independent. I plan to care for them as as long I physically can. I would leave them to the state thing how dire things are. I want them to have a good life and I can, with sacrifices on my end, make that possible.

I pay 8 percent into my work pension scheme and employer matches that but since my annual salary is about 16k annually, it's not huge amounts.

Edited

Get your parents to sort out their financial arrangements now. They can put it in trust so that if one needs care the money can’t be drained leaving the other.
get POA sorted.

Tigger1895 · 28/07/2025 20:37

It really pisses me off that people are giving you a hard time for using your children’s “money” to make the best decisions for them. It’s usually people that have never been in the situation that you are in or struggle for cash. So ignore, they are talking out of their arse.
I’m just repeating what you said, you don’t like him and he doesn’t like you. He financially abuses you and are in an unfortunate position of having to stay. Do you think he wants you to make the decision to end the marriage so that he saves face? If 1 of your children flies the nest, do you think you could manage the other child alone and then leave?

Harry12345 · 28/07/2025 21:12

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 19:07

I .am really getting upset by some of the responses insinuating that I am milking my DC. I would be so much better ofv if I could work full time and not care every waking hours on top of work.

Thanks everyone who offered meaningful advice. there is certainly a lot to take away and to look. but I will be leaving this thread now.

I only brought it up as a defence as your husband shouldn’t see that as an income and pay more, I agree you can you it how you want, you sound like an amazing mum x

millymollymoomoo · 28/07/2025 21:28

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:11

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

Divorce him and take ( at least) half his pension. Thats the best way to boost yours

TwinklySquid · 29/07/2025 08:03

candycane222 · 28/07/2025 08:15

A divorce might give you access to half his pension! This might not be your preferred course of action, but perhaps the idea will give you bith some insight into how outrageous his behaviour is.

You took the words out of my mouth!

How can your husband say he won’t share his pension? Why remain married to someone like that.

Letsnotupsettheapplcart · 29/07/2025 08:16

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:26

He says I wanted children more than him (true) so I should primarily provide. He says he gave me a favour and there are loads of things he couldn't do in live due to the DC and their needs (true) so if anything, I own him

This has blown my mind!!! He did you a favour????? Wow

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 29/07/2025 08:42

Tell that cunt that you need to work full time to bump your pension for the next 20 years so he will need to go part time and take on some of the caring. Or tell him you can no longer pay 50/50 and just simply stop paying him half of everything - what’s he going to do? Nothing, because there’s nothing he can do otherwise a divorc would lose him more than paying 70/30. Or divorce him and take half.

What a fucking douchebag. Hopefully he dies and you get his in service benefit.

My partner is a prick but even he understands that I do a ‘job’ looking after our disabled son and would never take this attitude.

If neither are an option then start skimming money off what you can and stash it away. So, if you get the shopping, go somewhere where you can get a small amount of cash back so it’s not noticeable and stash it, same with fuel etc. Should add up if you do it carefully and methodocally for a long time. Ask DH for money for things you need and then buy cheaper or don’t buy it if you think you can get away with it etc. don’t buy him any birthday or Christmas gifts anymore and tell him you’re saving the money for your retirement. Also, check you’re getting very benefit you’re entitled to. You may find you’re better off single - universal credits etc.

Good luck.

To anyone thinking of calling me a bitch don’t bother because I am what I’ve been made by men and I won’t apologise.

stillnotTheDoctor · 29/07/2025 09:35

Not sure if anyone’s mentioned this but you’d be better off divorced. He’d have to pay child maintenance which as he’s got a decent job would be a fair whack.

this man is abusive, not a father and not a husband.

PensionedCruiser · 29/07/2025 10:31

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 18:40

I know that but the extra costs of DC's disability is care. DC needs someone around at all times, cannot leave the house alone, needs someone who bathed them, brushes their teeth, cooks for them, takes them out, does stuff with them etc. I do all these things and I am only able to do it because I gave up my career in exchange for a low paid part time job. DC's PIP enables me to care for them and I do anything for them. They have a lovely home, eat well, are dressed and fed and do a lot of nice things All because I am around and have access to their PIP which enabled me do provide this care for them. You may think it's wrong to use PIP that way, I don't. the alternative would be me working full time and leaving DC to their own which just isn't possible. I don't even qualify for carers allowance as I earn above the threshold.

Elephantonabroom, the issue isn't that you are spending your DC's PIP money (appropriately as you say), it is that your miserable, miserly (add preferred adjectives) fatherless husband is not supporting his children.

Please, please look into how you could cope with single parenthood and extra money in the event of a divorce. Although that man seems to be making a nice life for himself at present and you don't want to look at divorce, how do you know that he won't divorce you once the whim takes him? You must look into protecting yourself and your children's future. Do not trust him to do anymore than keep his money for himself. Please seek legal advice, from a free source such as Citizens Advice, if necessary ❤️

PensionedCruiser · 29/07/2025 11:01

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 19:07

I .am really getting upset by some of the responses insinuating that I am milking my DC. I would be so much better ofv if I could work full time and not care every waking hours on top of work.

Thanks everyone who offered meaningful advice. there is certainly a lot to take away and to look. but I will be leaving this thread now.

Anyone saying this is not/has not received a PIP award - which is to contribute to the extra costs of disability. Note contribute. There is official recognition that disability is expensive and that PIP does not pay all the extra costs. Adult recipients use the care component to pay Carers - are parents of child recipients not entitled to be 'paid' from that same care component? The assessment process for children takes into account the 'normal' amount of care that parents are expected to provide and only pays out for significant extra.

When people have disabled children, childcare can not only be a great deal more expensive but is more often not available at all. That means that one parent, at least, cannot pursue a career in the same way as other parents, even if they are able to work at all. That is a major extra expense - usually borne by both parents, not just one of them.

Just 16 years of low, or no earnings is a huge amount of money to lose, without thinking of pension contributions. PIP does very little to redress the balance, while that parent saves the state all the costs of a residential placement. This is the reality of caring for disabled children.

There are many of us pensioners who have sacrificed health and financial security for our disabled children and I for one, am 100% supportive of those who choose to do it today. It is a thankless task, and people who don't know what they are talking about being dismissive about what life is like for parent carers do not help the situation. PIP, Carers Allowance and Family Allowance, when payable, help a bit financially and that is a good thing, but nothing replaces the years of caring and the toll that takes on body and mind.

mintydoggyv · 29/07/2025 11:11

ReservationDogs · 28/07/2025 19:34

I dont think anyone thinks youre doing wrong, but you cannot live like this. You dont deserve this life, you'll be so much happier without him in your life.

It's your own very private bussiness what you do with income not anyone else's.l wish you the very best to you people can be very nasty l work for dwp and one l hope you get all the support in money and other services you can ,p.i.p carers allowance etc , it's harder work to look after disabled young ones than working. William

Crikeyalmighty · 29/07/2025 11:21

@Overwhelmedandunderfed I don’t think you are a bitch at all - very much a realist!

DirtyDancing · 29/07/2025 11:56

I feel so sad when I read posts about women who have either reduced their working hours, or stopped working to look after the family, only to find themselves with potential financial hardships later on down the line- usually due to the men setting up inflexible, unfair financial arrangements. By all
means look after your family but under no circumstances allow such unreasonable financial arrangements. I read ‘he earns 3 x as much as me but we split everything in half’ and just thought WTF. Really?!

Crikeyalmighty · 29/07/2025 13:17

@DirtyDancing I can’t think what possesses women to go along with these arrangements either unless it was never discussed before they got pregnant

PigletSanders · 29/07/2025 20:28

Elephantonabroom · 28/07/2025 08:31

it's very difficult when you are financially on the back foot with caring for 2 disabled children, no support between and no opinion to go to work full time. Easy to say to leave when you are not in the situation.

What an awful, awful man he is. Truly.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 31/07/2025 20:19

I'm really intrigued in these situations what would happen if you just stopped your 50% contributions. If he won't talk about it, if you just stop, what happens? Would he genuinely allow mortgage arrears to build up and then the house be taken by the bank? Would he allow the electric to be cut off?
If I was in your shoes (which honestly, I agree with everyone, you've been gas-lit into thinking the situation is ok), I'd simply be saying "sorry, as you won't support me through my old age despite me raising your children, legally being entitled and building your home all this time, I'll now be saving my mortgage and bills payments into a private pension. If this doesn't suit, you're welcome to initiate divorce proceedings, do be aware I'll be entitled to 50% of all of it. Or you can wait for the bank to take the house and we will both be screwed, because the bank and utility companies see all our responsibilities as joint (not as something we each owe 50% of) even if thats not your take on it. Or you can do what you should have been doing all along, and seeing all our incomings as joint and we will use that to pay for the house/I'll be having access to your pension"
Honestly, brutally, if he was to have an accident and no longer be here, you'd actually get the pensions. That's how entitled the law sees you. They have put provision in place to stop spouses being stripped of pension security should something happen to their wife/husband. So why can't he (and you) see they should be shared if law makers have spotted this. If you won the lottery, would he expect none of it? It just makes no sense at all.

PeonyPatch · 31/07/2025 20:33

I really feel for you OP, your situation is a truly difficult one. I don’t agree with people who are brashly saying leave or divorce him. The reality of that is challenging and very stressful and mucky. You need to prioritise your children right now (sorry unsure on their ages).

I don’t quite know if what’s happening constitutes financial abuse as such, but you are definitely heavily disadvantaged financially in your current marriage, and that is not fair. You do really need to be assertive with your current husband and explain that you are not willing to go along with the current financial arrangements and that something needs to change. Number one you should be paying much less into the cost of the household considering you work less, and you do most, if not all (?) of the childcare. You are supposed to be a partnership and a family, and right now, he’s not fulfilling that at all.

You are right to be thinking about the future and pension etc. with looking after children, disabled children in particular, you have sacrificed a lot of your earning potential and retirement savings. This all needs to be discussed as part of a very frank conversation with your husband and a fairer set up needs to be agreed. Perhaps couples therapy or mediation might support you.

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