pension issue with DH

[Elephantonabroom]

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

These men!

I am in awe of you OP ❤️

I wish I could think of some ideas to really help you. Is there a learning disabled charity that you can talk things through with? Mencap?

I just can't get my head around people who marry but then view their finances as separate. Legally, they're NOT FUCKING SEPARATE!

OP, you're husbands a fucking scumbag; if you're having to "protect yourself" from your husbands actions in retirement, you'd be as well divorcing the fucker now - or make HIM the default parent while YOU work full time (the last part is rhetorical, coz I'd bet the selfish bastard couldn't parent his own children effectively anyway) 😡

Good God! Regardless if you wanted children more than him, the fact is, he had sex with you, that resulted in two children. Therefore, he's as much responsible for the children as you are. If he didn't want children, then he shouldn't have agreed to them in the first place. Your husband is punishing you for wanting children, and clearly resents them, and you, because his life isn't how he wants it to be. He uses money to punish you, and there's no way going forward he's going to willingly share his finances. He's financially abusing you. His life sounds completely separate to yours and your children - he even holidays without you. He's not interested in family life, and checked out emotionally a very long time ago. Legally, there's no 'his' and 'yours' money, it's classed as joint assets. Including the marital home, unless of course the property is rented. To stay in the marriage, and increase your pension contributions, you're going to need to work more hours. I can't see any way to increase your personal finances, unless you work more hours/get a better paying job. Of course divorcing him, would greatly increase your finances, as you'd be entitled to half of everything and possibly more as your children have special needs. In all, your husband is a horrible person, and doesn't deserve you or his children .

I think that probably the most sensible option is to divorce once one of your children is reasonably independent. Your marriage sounds pretty dire, so it's possible that your DH may initiate this anyway. I wonder whether it's worth you speaking with a solicitor now so that you can get an idea of how this will work financially for you.

My understanding is that the finances will be split according to need - so if you are going to need to provide ongoing care for a disabled child then you may get more than 50%. IANAL so speak to someone who is!

Also about how any inheritance will affect things so you can plan the best time to initiate things. Take back some control by getting a plan together! I'm really sorry that you're in this situation.

Wow! You’re not a team at all

You’re on your knees now financially and another few years of him financially and emotionally abusing you will only further grind you and in turn your kids down. I would not put it past him either to hide some of his money from you.

What do they think of their dad?. Does either chid here have a social worker?. What’s going to happen when the eldest turns 18 and goes into adult social care?.

You can't work more hours.
You won't divorce.

Your only option is to increase your income by earning more per hour.

@Elephantonabroom this thread might possibly be simultaneously the saddest and most inspiring I’ve ever read. I just wanted to let you know along with observations of other PP, you are quite honestly awe inspiring and I so admire you saying you don’t have a ‘defeatist’ attitude in how things will need to be in the future but just a pragmatic one. There’s no point adding anything about your husband other than that it’s a shame once he decided to have children and marry you, that he didn’t not just honour his role as a father and husband but actively made life harder for you all. Wishing you the best x

This - every single word of it. He’s really done a job on you OP and I’m so sorry. You are being financially abused and from what you say, getting nothing from marriage to this ‘man’. I hope you find a way to get out of it and find some peace.

I have a disabled sibling. She moved into a care home at 18 when she finished formal "education". Honestly, it was the best thing for everyone. She has a lot of physical disabilities that my parents would not have been able to manage.

I have seen lots of people not take support and help for their disabled children and look after them into their own old age and, kindly, it makes things an awful lot harder for the child when the parents are no longer around.

You know your child and your situation best, but I would just say, kindly again, don't rule it out. The home my sister is in is amazing and she's so happy there (so happy that she gets cross when my parents turn up to see her, as it means they take her away from the fun!). My parents have a life too that they wouldn't otherwise have had.

On the pension front, what happens to your husband's pensions if he were to die? Does anything come to you?

It's difficult when he refuses to have a conversation with you, but it could be phrased that he could perhaps be doing something more efficiently by using your allowances also so that you both are set up for the future, not just him.

Playing devil's advocate
What would happen if you worked out percentage wise what he earns and what you earn ,and you adjust your contribution to the home accordingly .
And told him he was responsible for the rest .you could then add to your pension.
But seriously,you will get half of his pension when you divorce him ,even if that is not for another 10 years .
Your married and your pension is less because of caring duties,that will all be taken in to account in the divorce

Contact social services
Ask about the moving on to adulthood scheme for ages 18 to 25 .
My son got 9 hours a week from a care company.
Some people get more than 9 hours .
They also paid for taxis to get him to college a couple of days a week ,just to get out of the house ,college have independent life skills courses ,where they focus on cooking and daily living tasks

This is much bigger than, “What should I do about my pension?”

You’ve said that one of your children won’t be able to live independently. Do they lack capacity? If they do, you may want to start looking at becoming their Welfare Deputy, if you haven’t already?

If your wish is for them to live with you - for as long as you can manage, then you need to be able to made that decision. Once they become an adult (if they lack capacity) then the ‘decision maker’ will be responsible for their ‘best interests’. That won’t necessarily be you, it could be social services.

I totally understand why you’re still in your marriage, unfortunately for us, a lot of marriages become a marriage of convenience, even if others can’t see what the convenience is.

After all you’ve said, I wouldn’t worry about your pension for now. It seems just getting through each week is remarkable. When your retirement is nearing maybe you’ll be in a position to contemplate divorce. Your life may be clearer for your adult children and you never know, there may be inheritance.

I wish you all the luck in the world, keep being that strong woman you clearly are, your children are lucky to have you as their mum.

When the time comes surely he’ll have no option but to chip in much more money as he’ll be able to afford it and you won’t.

He won’t like it, but what is the alternative? What can he do about it?

Hypothetically if he was to die before you, would his pension automatically transfer to you?

She knows who and what he is
She doesn't need it pointing out thanks
Did you not read the thread
She has a disabled child who will never live independently
It kind of changes the situation and you can't just up and leave

He should also be putting money into a trust fund for the DC who will need life long care or is that going to be your job.

Well actually you can, because she will be better off without him.

He will have to pay for his children, give her half the pension pot and provide a home for his disabled children.

But she clearly said she can't leave right now
Maybe in the future she can
But her situation dictates she can't right now

Jesus.

I'm never one to say LTB at the drop of a hat, as I know through personal experience how hard it feels to untangle your lives.

However the absolute best thing you could do for yourself (if you know that he won't change) is to put as much as you comfortably can into your own pension, keep a record of all discussions about it, then petition for divorce the year before he retires if you haven't had enough before then.

This makes me so sad. OP; I wish you strength.

It makes me sick that such selfish men exist when my generous, loving DH only got to his 30s.

I hope he's paying you for the childcare you do @Elephantonabroom

No? Finances pooled only when it suits him then? What an abusive arse. Start planning your exit.

She says she wouldn't be able to manage the 2 children independently due to the complex care needed.