New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

I would suggest compromise but it sounds like action man needs to be permanently on the go. Could you have one day together and one day to catch up

Any reason he can't go out and be active whilst you do what you need to do at home? You'd get peace and quiet and he'd be burning off some of his energy.

He needs to take up that very outing hobby of cycling.

Why doesn't he go out and you stay in and have your peaceful day?

I'm with Action Man quite frankly - do you really want to look back at life and think 'thank goodness I spent every Saturday deep cleaning?'

But that's by the by. Compromise is obviously the way forward. One weekend day where you do separate things and one where you plan a day doing enjoyable things together?

The ‘we’re so happy’ bit is not in keeping with any of the rest of your post. You sound completely and utterly incompatible. But - why can’t he go and be action man whilst you do your thing, if he contributes equally and you’re happy otherwise?

Swap the chores so that he is responsible for the deep cleaning, mowing the lawn, the laundry and the admin and you just do the washing up. Up to him when he does it and if there's time left over at the weekends then that's when you go out having fun.
Otherwise you get a cleaner, a gardener and employ a pa to do your life admin and order your weekly shop and he can pay so that you can join him on these adventures at the weekend.
If he doesn't have anything to do at weekends and you do, then you are not sharing chores equally are you?

Thanks. I think when we were dating part of the fun was being busy with adventures every weekend but now I'm just struggling to keep up!

Do other married people do everything together at weekends? I like doing everything together, newlyweds and all that but his idea of a walk is 8 hours and after that I'm limping!

Why do you have to do everything together? Sounds suffocating. Wave him off for a nice hike on Sundays and stay in and do whatever you want to.

I know three couples, all married for a long time, where the marriage has ended recently because in middle age (menopause related?), the woman has decided she prefers a quiet life, just at the time the man finds himself with a bit more time and money (once DC are grown up) and wants to be out having adventures. In all cases he would have liked to gave fun/adventures with his wife but she wasn't interested.

I don't know what the answer is, but it seems to be a common mismatch.

married 23 years and no we don't, we usually have one day doing stuff together and one day doing our thing.

it does seem your weekends are about doing what he wants every time, do you ever get to do what you want as a couple?

This is nuts. Course you can have a chill day at the weekend and he can go out on his massive hikes without you. You're married - the whole point is that you don't have to do everything together now you've committed and are secure in your love for each other, so you can ease off on the joined-at-hip stuff and do your own things and have a happy balance. Sounds like what you're into could complement each other well as soon as the expectations not there to be the same. No way should he be pacing around wanting to go out - he should go out so you can enjoy pottering and shaving your bits in piece. You're not his army cadet in training and you're not trying to sell him on the delights of deep cleans. Do your own thing and come together for the stuff you enjoy together. At 48, you should be able to be yourself and he should be able to entertain himself solo or with some activity group, of which there are plenty at weekends.

I dont think he needs hobbies I think he needs to help you round the house more!

I'm the action (woman) in my relationship and I have higher standards for cleaning than DH.

But I have learned to relax them a bit, DH pitches in more during the week, leaving weekends relatively free.

We did spend all Friday cleaning the house, but that was the first proper clean we've done other than surface wiping/tidying/laundry in a month.

Your DH needs to chill and either go out by himself sometimes, or pitch the activities to your level. My DH wouldn't enjoy an 8 hour walk either, but the difference is I wouldn't suggest one.

No, I don’t think it’s healthy to be joined at the hip 24/7! Let him do his hike one day while you chill and potter round the house, but he’s right to want to spend some weekend time doing fun stuff together.

I don't think being married really matters here- you've been together for 8 years and lived together for 3, surely you knew this about him before you got married? You say when you were dating it was part of the adventure, but you haven't been just dating for ages- and you must have realised he'd still want to do the same after marriage?

What other 'newlyweds' do is irrelevant (although I wouldn't necessarily call you that if you've been married over 2 years), you just need to compromise the same way all couples do. He goes out for a hike, and you stay in and relax/shave your legs/whatever.

I've been with my DP for 6 years, we're recently engaged, we don't do everything together and don't intend to change that after the wedding just because we're married.

Why do you both have to do what he wants all the time?!? It is all deeply strange tbh.

As long as you're not preventing him from going out I dont see the issue, but he can't expect you always want to come.

Alternatively can you afford to work 4 days a week? Then you could have a quiet day in the week to yourself.

I agree with pp, your insistence on the use of "newly wed" is irritating and misleading. You wouldn't call a 2yo a newborn. If you don't want to do stuff, don't do it. Although me thinks you do protest too much - there's a lot of "We're SO HAPPY! " when it doesn't really read like that.

Do what I do. Send him out for some exercise on his own.

DH has been out since 10am by himself on a really long walk, and I have had a lovely morning pottering around in the garden, drinking coffee, preparing a few veg for dinner later and reading threads like this one.

We have both done what we needed to do.

I wouldn’t have married someone with very different energy levels and wants for spare time to me. It’s fine to do different things sometimes but it sounds like your DH wants more from you at weekends then you can give. You’re not really compatible.

We’re constantly busy, although younger. We now have a cleaner… it’s taken loads of stress away.

25 years of happy marriage here (and a tidy freak, to boot). You don’t need to deep clean every weekend; as a poster said up thread you will not look back and “think thank heavens I deep cleaned the bathroom at the weekends.” Plus, apart from you, nobody in the whole world gives a monkeys how clean or otherwise your bathroom is.
And no you do not need to do everything together! In fact, part of the joy of a good marriage is doing things you love on your own, and then coming home and telling your other half all about it. There’s a balance to being together and being apart, so that you can grow and keep some of that independence that attracted you to each other in the first place.

I agree that you shouldn’t be joined at the hip and always do everything together. But I don’t like the idea that he goes off for an all-day hike while you stay home and clean/tidy. Can you afford a cleaner? Then the house would be sorted and you could have your self-care time and potter.

Why do you have to go out together?