New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

Mmm. Sort of. We have uni age kids so a lot still revolves around visits and family stuff. When we have a clear weekend, yes pretty much I've been going along with boot camp!

This this this. Let him apply action man to the real cleaning.

why can’t he walk/ hike by himself? I don’t blame you not always wanting to go - but I don’t see him compromising??

If you both deep cleaned and he agreed to leave at 12 instead of 9 (for example) you could do self care and he could help do the jobs that need doing!

Your compromise may be deep cleaning once a month? and you will go with him every sunday, but sat is your day?

Yes that's basically it. Don't get me wrong, but I need a break.

My parents are similar, Mum is action man, but they more or less do nothing together and I wouldn't like that either.

A happy compromise would be nice.

This is quite strange. Have you asked him why he doesn’t go out?

He wouldn’t be so tearing to go if he had to do his share of the deep cleaning rather than surface stuff.

You are at pains to point out how happy you are and how accommodating he is when choosing activities - yet they all still focus on being more physically active than you are comfortable with. How many hikes etc have you done now where he’s been fine afterwards and you feel like your whole body has been punched? How many times has he seen the impact it’s had on you and not done one single thing to accommodate your physical fitness the next time?

He’s had what sounds like years of self indulgent free time to get fit and active whilst your priorities have been different. If this was about him helping you condition your fitness to reach the same levels it would be one thing but it’s sounds like he saying ‘oh we’ll do a picnic to suit you, but you have to earn it first and keep up with me, Mr Nice Man who just wants to still do what I want!’.

No caring partner could repeatedly see you being knackered and uncomfortable after these excursions and think ‘that was fun, we should do this all the time’.

He’s dressing up getting his own way as compromise when it’s still you doing things that make you uncomfortable.

This is me and DH, been together 25 years. I need time on the weekend to chill and decompress and he is very active. So hel go golfing or cycling with a friend or go visit friends and I get to do what I want. Wel spend the other day of the weekend together and obviously part of the day we are doing seperate things in the morning/evening.

I understand your need to relax at weekends. I suggest you compromise and alternate, also get someone in to do the cleaning. Presumably you are both working, it wouldn't break the bank to hire someone for 2 hours a week, even a fortnight. Life is too short for deep cleaning. Laundry is easy and any ironing can go to an ironing shop.

Why so much cleaning if it's just two of you? We both work from home so it's likely to get messier than if out at work. We clean as we go and one Saturday a month we put a timer on and clean for 90 mins, if it's not done. It's not done. Life's too short for mad cleaning sessions. We do our own thing all weekend till 7pm then sit down together for food and a movie.

Me & hubs are both mid 40’s

If you cba getting up early & going out send him & have a day to yourself?

don’t waste it cleaning though, that’s a week day job! 30 -60 min a day deep cleaning rooms on rotation then they only need a quick whip over!

we both love being outside so I’m with your DH on this, I also get stressed if my house is a mess though.

Maybe get a cleaner?

We don't really do anything together on weekends. Just do our own things. We have kids and I like to go for long walks with them. Dh plays golf with them or by himself.
My parents are the same. Dad goes out for the day doing his hobby and mum does hers.
Surely there is a hiking club he can join or a local running group.

My dh is like action man, I am not. This was clear early on but while he's asked me to do things and I have done many things over the years he doesn't push and if he wants to do something he goes and does it without me. I say if I don't want to do things and he's fine with that.
I would hate it if I had to do adventures every weekend, but some of the time is also good because life can't just be about cleaning.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

You're not his mum, and you're not there to entertain him. I'd suggest that Saturdays he goes out for a 12 hour hike, or whatever, and you get a lie in and to veg and relax. Sundays you can spend together getting the chores for the week done. Then he can take himself out for a run/bike ride Sunday evening if he likes whilst you lie in the bath.

It's ridiculous to have to spend every minute together pandering to his wishes.

Would it work if you went cycling and he could be on a manual bike and you could be on an electric bike? I just bought an electric bike because I can't keep up with my son on a manual any more.

Or he could walk and you could get a little mobility car or something. He does sound a bit like the duracell rabbit, and you might just need to get yourself a motorised device to keep up.

Hmmm
I'm like the Op and I like a day to clean, shop and do my laundry/ admin.
I cannot live in chaos.
Its a type of down time for me.
No amount of " you won't look back wishing you had cleaned more" will change how I feel

Luckily for me I get this time but telling the Op she is unreasonable is unfair.
Personally I would tell him to crack on with his 8 mile walk and just get on with my own thing

Saturday fun, Sunday chill and reset

What has changed between when you were dating and now you're married?

If you were out all weekend then, he probably wonders why you've changed?

Get a cleaner!! And stop with the "now we're getting old" narrative - anyone would think you were mid 70's not 40's!! Go out and enjoy yourselves and find a middle way!

This ! He sounds insufferable. Do his parents do everything together? My DH’s parents were joined at the hip. It took quite a bit of training to encourage my DH to go off on his own and do his own thing without me. He does it now. I couldn’t bear someone just hanging around the house staying in just because I was staying in. Hopefully your DH will get a bad knee or something and realise some folk just can’t rush around all the time.

Get a cleaner, to give you time for self care and relaxing one weekend day. Your DH needs a dog he can take on long walks/runs for company while you relax. He can also do the gardening to work off energy. Then on the second day of the weekend you can hike with him.

There is an easy solution, OP. Your husband goes out for at least one day to do his sports or activities, while you have a day pottering and resting at home. It works for us - I know I am guaranteed to have the house to myself from 8am to 4pm on a Sunday, and it works perfectly.
It's really not necessary (or even advisable, IMO) to spend all day and every day together. You are two individuals - you both need time for yourselves.
Also, neither of us - together or alone - would waste our time cleaning. Just get a cleaner for that, and spend your weekends doing things you enjoy - separately!

I'm 46 and wouldn't live like that, sorry.

I think part of your problem might be that you actually want some time to yourself and he won't go out without you. Also, I agree with others that he's not taking an equal share of life admin and household chores.

Is he really doing his fair share of household chores?

Not every weekend needs to be (or can / should be) the same.

Some weekends might be more about going out and about and doing stuff and others will be about having a clean and pleasant home environment which means doing the stuff that nobody loves but still needs to be done. AKA chores.

Sounds like he needs to grow up and do a lot more adulting and a whole lot less man childing.

Get him to use up some of his energy doing a truly equal share of the chores. 🤷‍♂️