New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

He's got a weird idea of fun if it's beasting 20k thousand steps out of someone who would rather be at home in their pyjamas pottering and doing a roast.

He won't go anywhere without you is odd, tell him to get gone or find someone else to play with and you'll see him later. I could not bear to be so codependent.

I recommend hiring a cleaner! Especially as you enjoyed the fun of dating!

It has freed up not only time, but also mental load!

We are mismatched like this, I put my foot down a few years ago and now we have a weekend day for jobs and one for going out. Every so often we have a full weekend in. I’m in the thick of menopause with horrible insomnia and a full time job so I lay out clearly how I’m feeling mid week and we plan from there. It takes compromise but we do it well

Sounds daft but maybe you’ll both find it less stressful if you plan what it is you’re actually doing over the weekend before it gets to it. I can see both sides, but maybe say on a Wednesday, look at the weather and decide that right, on Saturday you’ll both do X specific thing, and on Sunday he can go off and do something productive like go to the tip (men love tips) while you get the house in order, then he can go for a bike ride and you can then meet him in the afternoon for a pub lunch or something.

I honestly find my most stressful weekends are the unplanned ones.

To make your marriage work be needs to be joining cycling, walking, mountain climbing etc societies in addition to his weekday clubs and doing it with other men whose wives can’t be arsed to do it either.

There is no way that you are going to be able to keep up with him in stamina or interest. And there is no reason why you need to be doing all this stuff together.

He’s happy because he gets exercise with people who share his enthusiasm and gusto, and you’re happy as you get some peace.

Oh and get a cleaner.

I was exhausted just reading that op. Can’t stand to be around puppy energy in grown men. Calm down ffs. I think the key here is do your own thing at weekends. Let him fuck the fuck off with his hyperactivity, and you rest and relax in your own way. Come together for something nice and couply in the evenings.

He actually sounds really controlling and the opposite of fun.

Sounds like you have moved the goalposts after getting married so I understand his frustration

Perfect.

My DH has an outdoor hobby where he will be out anyntime between Saturday afternoon and rarely even Sunday.
I get to potter around, self care , my own indoor hobbies etc
Sundays we go out together, usually an outdoor activity. We do spend most evenings together as well.

Being married doesn't mean spending all your spare time together, aim for quality over quantity.

You’re not newly weds! You’ve been married two years and together eight. You need to stick up for yourself. When he says shall we go hiking today? You say no, I’m staying in the house this morning, I’ll go out this afternoon but I’m not going 20 miles. If you want to go out - crack on.

I’ve been married 20 years. We do not live in each others pockets.

What about arthritis?
How can he not be wearing away his hip bones with 10 miles/km (?) run a day?
Maybe he can get an AI dog to run with him?
Perhaps you have a bad sprained ankle preventing most running?

If you want a dog to go running with your DH don’t get a greyhound! Greyhounds are notoriously lazy dogs. The poor thing will not enjoy going for massive hikes or long runs. A greyhound can run super fast, yes but doesn’t want to do it for more than a short time. They can literally sleep 20 hours a day. Mins sleeps all night in his own bed. Wakes in the morning comes upstairs, gets on my bed and then sleeps till anything up to 5pm when we take him for his evening walk.

You deal with it in the same way when you weren’t married. What did you do for the 8yrs prior?

It might be a good time for you both to sit down and have an honest conversation. Open communication can resolve issues. These discussions should ideally have taken place before the relationship started and continued over the past eight years to ensure mutual commitment and progress.

P.S.:
I don't understand why people feel the need to constantly direct hate towards OP's DH and men in general in every thread. Is there some kind of monetary incentive behind it?

He does this at 5am so I'm asleep thankfully!

It sounds as though the household tasks are falling to you, rather than being shared out. If he were doing his share, you wouldn't be worried about spending one day per weekend catching up because you're too tired to do them during the week.

Perhaps he has the energy to do more during the week, so that it's not all left until the weekend?

Perhaps a shared activity could be modified to suit you both: a shorter walk together, then he goes off on a longer hike and you relax in your own way.

It's lovely to build up a history of experiences together, but there needs to be compromise about what those experiences are. Peri-menopause and menopause can have very significant effects in many areas of women's lives, perhaps he needs educating about how you are affected so he doesn't have unrealistic expectations of what you are capable of doing.

You have been married 2 years so you aren’t newly married.
Why do you have do everything together. Assert some boundaries and tell him ahead of time that a particular weekend you just want quiet time and tell him to go off and do his own thing.

THIS. Regardless of what anyone else on this thread thinks about the things he likes to do and the things you want to do, why the fck is it all on HIS terms?

Thats really selfish. My DH loves F1 and I think it's as tedious as watching paint dry so right now he is watching it and I am doing something else, when it's over we'll probably do something together. But the point is- we dont have to be joined at the hip constantly and he doesn't expect me to do everything he likes and I dont expect him to do everything I like. Its about compromise and balance- something which it sounds like your husband has zero concept of......

We weren't always together as I had my own house with my kids. Albeit it big kids I was home with them at least 1 day every weekend.

Looking back actually, I think because he used to come and chill at my house a lot, he saw this as "getting out of the house", so now we've got the same house it's different.

He's explained that when he was a child he was really poorly and bedbound in hospital for over a year so he feels like he loves being outside and doing things, which I get.

Genuinely I do feel knackered since peri menopause started.

DH is more energetic and ‘seize the day’ than I am. Sometimes I pull myself together and seize the day with him (which I never regret, in fairness) other times he goes off and seizes it by himself while I have a nap on the couch. Balance.

I think you’re focusing too much on the being married part. So what if you’re married for two years, or twenty? You’re individuals and finding a balance that suits you for weekends is important, regardless of your marital status. You should both be willing to compromise, but acknowledge that you have different expectations so won’t be joined at the hip all weekend long.

No. Spending all weekend, every weekend with my DH would drive me mad. Some time alone and some time with friends is healthy. You need to tell him that you need a day a week to yourself, he can go out alone or find some friends to go out with.

I agree 100%.