New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

How much "deep cleaning" does a house need with 2 adults? DH and I do the basics during the week - mainly keeping the kitchen clean, generally tidying i.e. minimal plus mowing the lawn once a week or so.

Your DH needs to realise that the weekends are for both of you to enjoy, it's not all about him.

I'm partial to lying on my sofa for several hours on a Sunday, I challenge amyone to try and get me active!

Put aside one weekend day for you two to spend together, and one weekend day apart. You plan your self care, be it nails at home or in the house, and he can scratch the activity itch by himself or with friends. Also recommend a weekly cleaner, that allows you both to enjoy your weekends and doesn’t leave it to you.

You do know that you don't have to do everything together? That it's normal and healthy to do your own thing at your own pace some of the time? You are both mature adults who know your own minds and what your interests and needs are.

But since he has more physical energy maybe he should be doing more of the physical cleaning /house jobs. He can go and do his more physical interests one day a week, and when he gets back you can go out to dinner or something?

I mean, you're married - can you not just tell him to bugger off and find something to do?

This is not meant to be cheeky, but would it be worth going to the dog owner part of mumsnet and ask what people do if they take in a rescue greyhound?

Maybe they would have ideas of how to get a lot of outdoor exercise for the greyhound without having to do all the running themselves too.

Probably throwing a ball wouldn't work so well but you could cycle while he runs maybe. Or you could sign him up to some kind of sport and then go and watch.

You’ll have to tell him that you’ll join him for one weekend day and he does his own thing for the other 💁🏻‍♀️

If you want to know what’s “normal” in longer marriages: you’ve already answered yourself. Compromise. Or you get on with your own things. My DH does a sport x3/ week. I used to do a different sport x4/ week but became menopausal and lazy. He does his thing, I do mine. All holidays are a combo of active and rest - a compromise. Nobody complains because everybody is getting some of what they need and giving some of what the other needs. No marriage or relationship can succeed with an expectation that one or both parties get what they want all the time. That’s a single person’s life. And that applies to you as much as to him. You won’t be able to keep your house the way it was before you started living together. He lives there now too. You will have to adjust to accommodate this new person you’ve chosen to bring into the 24hrs of your day. Same for him. He can’t bugger off for 12 hours every weekend day because he has you in his life now and you like to do things a certain way.

If he doesn't have anything to do at weekends and you do, then you are not sharing chores equally are you?

I wondered about this, too

I would say don’t do everything together. Being married with children works that way anyway, different clubs/activities. Action man needs to realise you are not him and need rest. Maybe one weekend day he chooses an activity to do together the other day he leaves you in peace! I find forties is more tiring than thirties and is probably hormone related. Self care is important.

I dont think he has fun without me.

Ask him things like “could you mow the lawn whilst I clean the bathroom” or on Sunday morning I’m going to be cleaning up, why don’t you go out in your bike?”

That is so unhealthy I don't even know where to begin.

I don’t think it’s that hard to adapt. Just explain to him that there’s no emotional problem underlying it, and you’re happy to do different things and will look forward to seeing him for dinner and hearing about it, that you want to recharge so you’ll be on form, and it’ll be fine.

Reassure him a bit.

One day you'll both be too old to have a choice.

Do whichever will bring you memories that you'll look back fondly on.

I had thought from the outset there was more to this, and there is. This is deeply troubling and unhealthy.

Can’t you say you go and I’m staying in? He seems to be ruling what you do and you are just following… Sticking up for yourself would help …

I'm like your husband. I never waste my weekends cleaning. I want to be off out living and I'm in my 60s or I'd be bored senseless. You will have to find a middle ground. There is no reason why you have to do everything with him. Surely he can go off and do things like hiking while you do what you want to do.

No married people do not do everything together at weekends. I’d go mad hanging out with my husband constantly. We’re both introverted and have differing interests. I play tennis and do a lot of crafting. He plays guitar, does boxing, goes for long walks with the dog and reads. We do ENOUGH together - like eat out or watch a bit of tv and of course socialize.

Has he not got any friends or family? Do these clubs he goes to not have any weekend get togethers?

Not a long term solution, but I’d book a cleaner to do a deep clean and book myself an overnight in hotel with spa for the same time.

My head would explode with that kind of set up.

Hi OP. DH and I are the same! I finally caved in to him saying we should get a cleaner for years and it’s great. Sundays are family time, Saturdays are for resetting the house, doing laundry etc as you said. Since getting a the cleaner, I’ve been way more disciplined in just doing the basic wiping surfaces every day and things like that - no more scrubbing the shower mid week anymore. I’ve gained so much more time and weekends are fun again.

Didn't you live together before marriage? Are you as incompatible in other areas or is it just this?

Ah, missed your very last sentence, OP.
Happy to be quite set in my routines.
There's NO way I would marry again, (I'm 46 now, husband significantly older), to accommodate the needs of anyone, let alone some "action man".
More like an annoying man child.
I very much like my routine and self care as well, one of the reasons for my choice of husband.
When the inevitable happens and I'm by myself,
I won't touch a man with a bargepole, let alone have him in my living space.
You sound rather incompatible.

My husband is a bit like this, we have been married for many years and it took some dealing with! You just need to be honest about what you want to do and explain to him that anything over that he can do by himself or with friends. You don’t have to be joined at the hip because you’re married. It’s healthy for a marriage to do things away from each other as well as together.
If you like/need time at the weekend to clean, get organised or for self care for the week ahead then you should have some time to do that. His needs and wants don’t come before yours, it’s a compromise, and it can be done but only if you are both prepared to do it. Good luck!

Maybe that's a little bit true! It's not so much that I don't want anyone else here.

I just want to wake up on a Sunday and stay in my pyjamas for a few hours. I'm not a cleaning obsessive, I just want to have a slow shower, dry my hair, sort my nails, watch the news, browse mumsnet a bit...

He is more like, wake up early, immediately shower, go make breakfast, and then he sort of furiously gets on with chores... I'm more lazy! He definitely does is fair share of chores, he's just less interested in the deeper cleans or broader home management.

For him it's like "let's not waste the day!" And he rushes off does laundry, goes shopping, empties the dishwasher, changes the sheets all before I've had my morning coffee. I am just slower moving and I absolutely hate being rushed with weekend showers.

I was really just wondering how people do married life when one person is more energetic and wants to be outside all the time. A cleaner is a good idea. I think maybe I just need to set a routine where Sundays are home time and Saturdays are adventure time.

If he wants to go out all day Sunday he'll have to do it without me. I can't keep up!