New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

Wtf does trimming his pubes have to do with anything? 😂

lol, what?!

Just saying his personal hygiene/personal grooming doesn’t sound particularly if he can be in and out of the bathroom so quickly. I get the sense OP is looking to herself to pick fault, that she should be the one to change whereas what I’m saying is maybe he would benefit from a bit less action man time and more time spent on his personal hygiene/personal grooming/appearance. And it certainly wouldn’t kill him to do a deep clean of the bathroom every so often rather than leaving it to OP every time.

No. We don’t.

Five minutes for a shower is absolutely plenty - I’d get bored stiff if I was stood there any longer 😂

I manage to wash my hair, shave and do everything needed in that time (or less when needed) - I do wonder what people are doing that takes so long!

I don’t see why he needs to stay home because you want to lie in and compress. You don’t have young kids so there’s not tonnes of housework to catch up on so he shouldn’t need to dedicate a whole day to that either.

You’re saying you want to do the whole weekend together but you’re saying it has to be your way.

Ok well that’s you! OP @JustNeedToVegOut is clearly different!

you don’t need to be joined at hip with your husband Op! Just do your own thing!

Have one day together and one day of doing your own thing. My husband is the same. I leave him to it.

Maybe action man could put some energy in to getting up early and cleaning the house/put the laundry on whilst you have a lie in. You will then have time for self care whilst he goes BASE jumping.

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is exactly the same. Always needs to be on the go. Our compromise is one weekend day he goes with his mates usually cycling a ridiculously hard long ride and I do my own thing. The other day he goes for a run first thing and then we walk the dogs or go for a shorter ride. On holiday he brings his bike or hires one and goes out for the first couple of hours to burn off energy. It works for us. Our kids are grown up. There has to be compromise on both sides. We are older than you but its been the same for a while now.

I wasn't commenting on OP's routine - she can do whatever she wants - I just found your comments about her DH's personal hygiene a bit weird, lol.

I feel the same with my partner, except I want to go out loads on the weekend, but also do loads of cleaning. My partner wants to just stay at home and veg out on the sofa! Lol

You just need to compromise, perhaps book things in advance so you know how to plan the week ahead. You can say that you are willing to go out if all of the dishes are done, that way he burns his energy doing that too!

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have completely different hobbies and its absolutely fine. We do some things together but 80% of our hobbies we do separately. He's an action man type and I'm very much not.

dear @JustNeedToVegOut I'm with you on your self-care needs (L1;L2;L3) except for the exfoliating. I stopped shaving in my thirties (i.e. years&years ago), opting instead for waxing. Expensive at first, but what I noticed was that, after time, hair-growth decreased to the point where I no longer needed to depilate. And, I promise, you feel smoother & never stubbly.

So: ring-fence Saturday mornings for yourself to do as you please, e.g. go to hairdresser, beautician, whatevs. And employ a cleaner.

I’m an incredibly active, sport obsessed person so I can heavily relate. It caused problems in my first marriage as my ex husband felt a bit neglected.

Luckily I’ve now married a man who is very sporty himself and independent. However, I think it’s important that you both get the chance to do the things you want to do.
Can you not let him go and do his own thing for a few hours whilst you catch up on your things? Then reconvene later?
Life needs to work for both people and you are unlikely to agree on how you want to spend your time 100% of the time.
The key is letting each other do what you need to do but also making time for each other.

Op, you are coming across like a total people pleaser - I am not criticising you btw as I am only just recovering myself.

You should have control of your life, free time and routines.

At best I would allocate a Saturday afternoon and then enjoy a more relaxed Sunday. Or take the Friday off. Most couples enjoy their own interests, it’s quite unhealthy to do everything together.

Agree a list of what you enjoy together and choose one of those shared activities. No more 20 mile walks. Only do the comfortable options.

I think you join…not every week end.

So one week end you do what you want and he works around you. The other one he does what he wants and you work around him.

That is about the only compromise I can think of as you both need extremely different things.

Could you possibly get a cleaner just to do some tasks and then enjoy more time out? X

I think you're explaining it very well and your self awareness is impressive. New husband needs to hear what you've said here and adjust his behavior and expectations accordingly.

You both sound lovely but the respective recharging methods you identify are mostly (not all) incompatible, and a strong need for you both. His turn to adjust as it sounds like you've done a lot already.

Also you should really stop calling yourself 'lazy'. Your way isn't wrong, just different to his.

lol this post made me laugh because I am your husband and you are my husband! I am like the Duracell bunny (he thinks I have ADHD) and he likes to chill and lie in, do gardening, stay home etc, I like to go places and do things early doors. So I do loads of stuff and he comes along when he wants to, and doesn’t when he needs downtime. You don’t have to be joined at the hip as marrieds. Get him into ultra running, cycling and triathlon - he’ll be away lots training using up all that energy and u can happily cheer him on from the sidelines. Enjoy! Xxx

How long were you dating? Was this difference not apparent?

I have a DH like this, I could have written your posts OP and its taken us quite a few years to work out his an extrovert and i’m an introvert and our ideal weekend is polar opposite to what the other one needs.

We have loads of tips to keep it ‘balanced’ between us:

• We have a cleaner so my downtime is that, and I’m not worried about the house and trying to fit it in
• I encouraged my DH to take up a hobby that is on Thursday evenings / Saturday afternoons for eight mo ths of the year. After that there are training courses and hobby prep, and I encourage his three day attendance at various events 4/5 times a year - normally his wrecked for 2 weeks afterwards
• He acknowledges that I’m an introvert and we have one weekend a month or every six weeks just pottering, when we’re not trying to jam it all in - the phrase in my house is that I literally need to be in the house. In return he gets one ‘big’ weekend and then we have two half and half weekends.
• 20k step hikes are wonderful when your recharged, thats the key - but those big weekends of exercise are equivalent to my house weekends
• Sometimes my DH needs a reminder or all the activities his done, and what he has planned the next few weeks / months - to just chill for one day
• Sometimes its the necessity to have a plan is what keeps him ticking whereas I’m happy just sitting - so we’ll agree a cinema trip, a new restaurant, an art gallery, a walk around our city - its neither of our preferred activities, but its enjoyable time together.

We love spending time together, but really understand we recharge in different ways so it takes some compromise and planning for us

He needs to get into mountain biking and come out with our gang!! It’s perfectly acceptable to occasionally do your own thing now and again.

I need Saturday to decompress. I’m a teacher and like to have a day of not talking, mooching, tidying the house etc. I couldn’t cope with this at all. DH does sport on Saturdays so that works well for us. You can’t keep this up so are going to have to find a solution.

OP, we don’t do everything together. I am a bit like you. I need a few hours to do the things that relax me ie planning our week ahead, sorting little one, dog , cleaning etc. we do have a cleaner but there are things she she doesn’t do. Hubby does his own things and he is pretty much the same. I would be cleaning the bathroom and he will be asking me how long I will be before we can set off doing something completely random.

I generally just say, can’t do this today as I got x, y and z on. He usually follows up with is there anything I can help with so we can get out the door, if I don’t want to ho I just say…I hope you two can find the middle ground but I hear what you are saying I often wonder who my husband thinks folds up his socks and tidies his cupboards…or puts in the online food shop!