New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

Married 37 years, about 3 years ago DH bought a bike & motorbike. We do lots of stuff together but if he wants to bugger off on whatever bike on a weekend then happy days. He’s got a couple of like minded friends and I happily wave him off. He does his share of tidying up, when he’s off shift, I do my share over the weekend, no deep cleaning, it’s just the 2 of us now + a hairy dog!

My husband is newly retired. I work part-time. I find on the days I’m not at work he was always up early and like “Right what shall we do?” “Where shall we go?” I’ve had to lay the law down a bit (in a nice way) and say of the 4 days I’m off, 2 days can be going out/doing things days but the other 2 days are chill out/jobs days. I’ve told him I’m happy for him to go out and do his own things on these chill days and sometimes he does. Having agreed this, I no longer feel a need to ‘entertain’ him. I can lay in if I want to, sort out the house, shave my legs, read a book, garden… whatever! He shares the jobs and it’s now working well for us 😊

DH & I often do different things at the weekend - he likes to potter in the garden, listen to his favourite radio shows, go to the dump, maybe go for a walk. I usually meet up with a friend for coffee or brunch, pop round and visit my elderly mum, catch up on tv I've missed in the week and maybe do some baking. We have dinner together and might watch a tv series together (at the moment, it's Bookish!) Of course there are weekends when we do stuff together but we're quite happy doing our own thing too. We've been married 35 years and it works for us!

His energetic needs for plans are just as important as your needs for decompressing and self care. You totally do not need to spend the whole weekend together - I think it’s great when couples can give one another space to do their own thing and then come back together. Send him off for a hike or a cycle, and then plan something together for the following day the two of you. You’ll feel better for having some self care time and probably more enthused about doing something the following day. Just make sure he splits the chores with you so you can take time for you! Everyone needs it. Xx

Agree with most of the replies - Off he goes on his 12 mile hikes then, while you do you own stuff, of your choice, whatever that may be (even a lovely relaxing day doing not much at all) - maybe some compromise (every other weekend, or once a month - he choses one activity, you chose the next?). This life sounds exhausting (and stressful), whatever ages you each may be is surely not relevant - x🌹

Get a house cleaner!

Different scenario for me but what worked was having Fridays off when I can do my chores in peace, have some me time (gym, shopping) and relax over weekends, go out with the family etc. I can't deal with Monday coming round and the house being a tip and things just pilling up. I recently started working Fridays again and I miss my me day.
If you can afford having a day in the week when you can do your life admin, chores, deep clean, whatever you fancy, for me, that's what worked.

I've been with DH for 19 years, we do our own thing most of the time. Do you need to do things together? We have occasional interests together (things like National Trust) but we'd rather go separate and do what makes us happy. We run a shop, so our Sunday/Monday weekend time is precious to fit in everything needed as well as leisurely

I am a bit late to this!

I read this more that you would like more down time to relax/re-energise and your comments about self-care come though as important to your sense of well being. I would also feel like that can can relate that an important part of balance is having time to make yourself feel good and also to unwind/de-stress/relax. Your DH uses physical activity as his de-stress/relax, I work beside a guy like this and its relentless, his lovey wife gets involved in about half of his action and lets him crack on with rest himself or with mates.

However I read the house stuff/admin as an area needing a bit more compromise ie should you pay and get help in to keep on top of all of that rather than give up on social time with DH? That’s the area to think about different options.

I’ve been with my husband for nearly fifty years and right from the start what made things work was having some time in shared activities and some time apart. Go out with action man one day and have the other day to yourself whilst he goes out. It seems a no-brained to me!

Life’s too short get a cleaner and get enjoying life before it passes you by.

I've been with action man and there has to be compromise for your mental and physical sanity! As an introvert I just can't keep up with the socialising every day of the week, trying to fit in as many plans as possible on the weekend. Quite content in my own company without the burning need to fill my diary 24/7. I'd say as others have to let him to his thing and have a day to yourself to do as you please! Whether that's vegging at home, seeing your friends or just mooching in the garden. It's your weekend!

This!!!!

I really disagree with the ‘you won’t be on your death bed thinking you’re glad you did so much cleaning’ type comments, because actually for me, and clearly for everyone else who chooses to live in tidy houses, - yes, yes I will. A tidy house make me happy! It’s clean, tidy and then I can properly relax looking around my beautiful tidy house smiling. I can understand that it doesn’t bother other people, but those people can never seem to empathise the other way.

I know it's not a popular thing to say on MN, but there are lots of people who get a lot of joy out of cleaning and tidying their homes. OP very much sounds like she is one of them.

@JustNeedToVegOut I was the same when I got married. I was an ‘older first time bride’ and hubby had been married before, but a long time widow. Our first year or two of marriage was really difficult for me. It definitely takes a period of readjustment. Take your Friday off. You definitely need some ‘me time’ . Wishing you good luck xx

My daughter’s husband is exactly like this. She just leaves him to it now, after 10 years of trying to either keep up with his ‘action man’ tendencies, or compromising (which didn’t work and caused conflict, as they both wanted the other to change!)

He is a brilliant husband, really helpful and great with their children (very hands on dad taking equal share of everything!)

He now plans ‘stuff’ for the weekends and she will either go, or say no, depending what it is. He will usually take one or both children with him (if they want to go) and my daughter then does her own thing.

They are both happy with this arrangement as they both now get what they want out of it.

Absolutely agree with the replies saying to swap jobs with him, so he's doing the more time/energy-intensive ones and can burn off some energy. Could he also be doing outdoors work (gardening etc.), or get stuck into a more physical project (shed, big DIY job, building decking etc.)?

You could do the lighter chores + food shop etc. while he does the physical stuff on your 'reset day'. Then for the other day, spend the morning together (walk, brunch etc.) then have separate time that afternoon - you could relax while he goes for a bike ride or something?

Either that or encourage him to find a local weekend hiking group!

Marriage is absolutely about compromise, but you both clearly have different needs and neglecting those isn't an option for either of you.

Get a cleaner.
We've had one previously and well worth the money to free your time up.

How was this weekend op?

I’d be off like a shot with him especially if the sun is out. Get a cleaner and have great weekends with him.

Me too! Love a clean and tidy house…. I am so tired for keeping on top of it but my mental state would be worse off in disarray!

Just want to ask about your plan to take Fridays off - won’t that affect your annual leave or your salary?

Get a cleaner and go out.