New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

Why are you so joined at the hip? It all sounds completely suffocating. Let action man go and be action man on his own and you stay at home and do what you want to do.

What were you doing at weekends when you were living together but not married?
Is this every weekend for the last two years?

It does sound like he needs to compromise a bit more and probably take on more of the chores. There’s a difference between things like the washing up which are quick and daily to things like giving the bathroom a good clean.

That said, I know lots of couples who do their cleaning together on Friday night or Saturday morning and then they can relax for the weekend, however that looks.

This. Especially the last paragraph!

It sounds like you need to work out the time/effort needed for each of the household chores and divide them more equally. We've been married for 30+ years and both value a reasonably clean house, laundry done etc as well as each others' wellbeing. So we both work at/share the chores until they're done, then we're free to relax or do our chosen activities. It means that the house stays reasonably clean and neither of us gets overtired or stressed.

Strangely, DH has less energy for active pursuits once he's done a couple of hours of mundane house and garden chores, but it means that we both carry the load of the boring-but-necessary chores. I compromise by accepting that the cleaning etc might not be perfect, but at least it's done.

I get the impression it was better matched when they were dating and just had these fun ‘weekend adventures’ and now they live together (since marriage) she’s having the weekend adventures AND trying to keep the house sorted. Whereas before she was better able to stay on top of her own house and relax during the week.

No. Not every married couple spend every weekend doing the same things. It's about compromise really. We've been married for more than 30 years and we do spend fair bit of time doing things together - but we're not joined at the hip. Also do things separately too quite often.

He likes walking far more than I do and he's also fitter than I am, (we are both retired), So even if we go out together to the same place, he may go off for 2 or 3 hours for a good walk while I do something less strenuous. Or he will go out for a long walk, while I stay home, because I don't want to go for a long walk.

You both just need to agree to differ and find ways of compromising.

Luckily me and DH are the same. We both have physical jobs so on the weekend we don't want to do anything just chill at home it's great. Can't you just say you are not up to going out and that he can go on his own

Get a cleaner

Do a proper audit of the chores and time spent doing them to make sure he really is doing his fair share. To me the fact he thinks all weekend is his for outdoor activities suggests a lack of acknowledgement of the housework/life admin that needs to be done. Once a fair division is established, he can just go and hike by himself if he wants and you can have a rest at home if you want. However I expect you are tired because you are doing the bulk of the mental and physical load.

It reads very simple to me OP to be honest ..
You spend one day doing you, & your husband doing him, & the other together 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Also , the day you have together, one weekend it could be what he would like to do , & other weekend what you would like to do , well now in saying that , not something that either of you would hate to do aswel , otherwise you will dread the weekend he chooses & visa versa!
Compromise 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you're still scrubbing the bathroom and he's finished his washing up then perhaps he's not doing his equal share of the chores. If you do want to go out with him, say, I want to get this done before I go out so I can relax, the bathroom hasn't been cleaned properly all week so grab a cloth and we'll get it done quicker.

If you don't want to go, be honest because you don't need to be spending all weekend on 8 hour hikes with action man, say see you later, I'm stopping here and having a bath and doing my nails, have fun.

A combination of the two approaches might be best.

Echo PP to get a cleaner- I told my DP early on that I don't want to spend my spare time cleaning so I'd rather pay someone and he agreed. Sounds like your DH doesn't want to spend his spare time cleaning either, which is fine, but it shouldn't all land on your lap.

Newlyweds is a bit of an odd way to put it when you’ve been married for two years and together for nearly a decade.

You arent young 20 somethings who will middle through until you figure it out.

Successful marriages are grounded in communication.

You need to discuss this with him now

There are all sorts of ways to compromise in this to make things work for you both but we can’t tell you what they should be.

But no, obviously you don’t have to spend all weekend joined at the hip. Why can’t he go hiking on his own/with friends if you don’t enjoy it.

Do the cleaning anx washing together its quicker. Then go out. Evenings are for vegging out its summer.

Me and ex husband who were married a long time. Saturdays i did things with kids and he worked. Sundays we had together.

My husband and I are in a similar boat. He has a desk job so is stuck indoors all week, is very fit and active and likes to do outdoorsy stuff at the weekend.

I'm a postie and while I'm fit as a fiddle (15 miles a day with a bag full of Temu shite will do that to you!) I'm thoroughly sick of the great outdoors by the weekend and ready to loaf in my jammies.

So we compromise. One day is a together day, one day is an apart day, and we alternate what we do on the together day. One week we'll go kayaking, one week we'll stay in and play games together. Then the other day is our day to do whatever we want - he'll go out and be active and I'll stay in and hermit at home.

Being joined at the hip isn't healthy, especially when you have different ways of enjoying your down time!

Why do you need to 'deep clean' every weekend? The whole point of a deep clean is that you only do it every few months. Why not hire a firm to do a really thorough clean and then just do maintenance cleaning yourself? That said, I'm not saying that he is right and you're wrong: I wouldn't want to do lots of outdoors stuff either, but the cleaning thing is an easy fix.

We do do things I want to do, I'm just very different to him.

He had a child but wasn't the primary carer, so he had his daughter at weekends when she was little but she's in her 20s now. So he had capacity to have a lot of hobbies and he's naturally athletic.

My life was different. I was a single Mum and my youngest just went to uni two years ago (around when we got married) but my life was much more about running a home, spending time with my kids and I never had either money or capacity for much adventure!

Before we lived together, yes he was like this but I didn't spend every day and weekend with him. I was often with my kids actually and we tended to do stuff like watch movies, or visit cousins etc.

I really, really like that hubby has got me outside and doing more fun things. I think single parenting made me a hermit almost in a lot of ways! We've taken up sailing, we have visited loads of places I've never been and it's been good for my fitness (I'm not sporty!).

I just need more of a 50/50 split with more home based activity and maintainance as it makes me feel organised and rested.

He isn't an arsehole, he adapts weekend plans to whatever I want to do - so he'll list a bunch of ideas and ask what I fancy. It's not that I domt fancy going for a picnic, it's just that his idea of a picnic is more like a massive hike. Haha! I honestly come back with my whole body feeling like it's been punched.

He runs 10 miles every morning so I think what's easy for him is a lot for me. For me 10,000 steps is fine but 20 000 is starting to get painful. My idea of a fun Sunday is probably more like doing some DIY and making a roast and he's open to that too, he just gets stir crazy inside.

He's very accommodating to anything I want - he's currently sitting there planning our holiday at great pains to fit with my various requirements and he's always so generous with time and flexibility. I think he just has a lot more physical stamina and less need for nesting and keeping our home organised!

A very good point!

Lots of people are asking why you don’t do things separately since you have such vastly different wants and needs, but I’m not sure you’ve answered it.

Two years is not newly wed, two weeks is newly wed.

Surely you knew all this before you got married

Have you really spent the last 2 years keeping up with Action Man ?

I don't think this is necessarily fair to OP's husband. No house needs to be 'deep cleaned' once a week. If the OP has excessively exacting standards, then he shouldn't have to fall in with them.

Had to laugh at the idea of Marathon Man planning your holiday unsupervised by you... I'd be a little bit concerned that it will be a high Octane one.

But he sounds energetic and fun and willing to please you, but I think you need to assert your wishes a bit more.. Of course "Life is for living! come out for a lovely long hike in the Sun!" sounds much cooler than "I need to deep clean" which pales by comparison. But its also a necessary thing, as is the other life admin you do, which he benefits from but perhaps just doesn't see it (or what it would look like if it didn't happen) or realise how much time and effort it takes. This is what is facilitating him to be this carefree mortal bounding off to new adventures.
But your stuff is important too and maybe you need to find ways of him sharing more of the burden because as @Redrosesposies said... A bit of washing up is helpful, but much easier to quickly get out of the way than the stuff you do.

Also, it sounds like you sometimes need a bit of time to be still and decompress and breath. and there is NOTHING wrong with that. (You could get an app, set up in the corner of the garden and tell him you are doing your meditation if you want to make that official) 😀

I can never understand why couples need to do everything together all the time. Tell him you do absolutely need one weekend day to yourself - no arguments - and stick to it.

I'd be happy to do things seperately, but when I've said I just want to stay in, he stays in too. I'd much rather he went on his own or with a friend but instead he just stays and action mans around the house.