New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

Hey OP, maybe try to meet somewhere in the middle?

Or ask him to help with a big clean while you go get your nails done at the salon / pamper yourself so when you get back you can both go out together x

Hahaha, I swear to God, we did that with borrow my doggie and he exhausted a golden retriever so badly the dog lay down and refused to move. Getting our own dog is actually a brilliant idea though, they could run each other out!

rent him out. He can come and clean mine!!

That’s not healthy, you can’t be all things to one person, it puts too much pressure on. Does he have friends?

My husband is similar. But ultimately I made him realise it is extremely unfair to let me do all the deep housework, while he does a few easy bits and then gets to do fun weekend activities. Now we try to get the house really clean and ready for the week ahead, either on Friday evening or Saturday morning, and then we enjoy activities together. However, we also have times where he goes and does his activities and I sit at home and read a book or whatever. No need to be joined at the hip!

Just this. And it's probably unfair to say we're incompatible over it because I love how athletic and active he is. I had partners before that wanted to lay on the sofa and it's so nice having one that grabs life and enjoys it. So it's more that it's too much of a good thing :)

That’s quite the responsibility. I wouldn’t like that at all, and would find it quite constraining and controlling. As I would him straining at the leash on the days you stay at home.

It’s completely normal to have shared and individual interests, and not to have to spend all free time together. Yesterday’s I left the house before noon , returned at about 10pm. My partner was caring for my disabled son, but he wouldn’t have wanted to come anyhow, was my thing. Today I am exhausted ( am old now! ), so we’re both chilling at home.

I’d start to carve out some time to chill for yourself, suggest he does his own thing if he’s bored. It should be straightforward.

"Do other married people do everything together at weekends?"

God no. That's not sustainable.

He does, but being 45 most have much younger kids, or moved out of London so really neither of us have a group nearby. Typical London really. He does things either friends after work, sports and clubs and so on but they're not really around at the weekend.

I think what you both need to do is compromise. I would hate to spend every weekend both days with my OH. It’s not that I don’t love him but more that I need some me time. Be that chilling out or even just getting out myself and doing something / seeing friends etc

what I would suggest is he gets some sort of hobby or enlists his friends to do something one day/morning at the weekend and that time is for you to chill/chores whatever makes you happy. If you don’t want a day out then he needs to understand and do his own thing. I think it’s unhealthy being that dependant on someone and also spending that much time with someone.

I am somewhere in the middle of you both, if the weathers nice etc then I’m more inclined to want to get out and enjoy the day if it’s not great then I’m happy at home or just out part of the day.

Golden retrievers will do that. Sometimes it's just because you're not going the way they want. If you do get a dog investigate breeds that like a lot of exercise - I don't think greyhounds do.

I was really just wondering how people do married life when one person is more energetic and wants to be outside all the time.

You say "well, off you go then" and carry on with what you're doing.

We do loads together eg we went to Columbia Rd flower market this morning and were done by 0930. We had a cuppa in the Birdcage (after getting salt beef beigels in Brick Lane), went home and have weeded, then planted the six plants I bought. DH now snoozing after scoffing aforementioned beigels. Perfect!

However, I’ve been to the Cartier exhibition twice this week - once alone, then again yesterday with my husband. We had drinks with friends in the evening, a takeaway and bed by 2230

Tbh by 1pm on a Saturday I would expect to be doing something other than cleaning the bathroom and showering tbh, especially on a nice day. Get up, showered, lazy breakfast and out. Enjoy the day, come back, chill and then maybe do some cleaning. Don't waste the best bit of the day!

Otherwise, yes, do things separately

I was sympathetic until I read this post - What then is your problem?

The solution is he does all the chores with his amazing energy, while you have a leisurely morning drinking coffee, having a bath, shaving your legs... then you are both ready to go out in the afternoon.

He needs to get some mates and stop pestering you and give you some time to yourself @JustNeedToVegOut

You ask how most married people manage a mismatch..they talk, or they don't and end up unhappily married or divorced. You need to tell him what you have said here implicitly. He needs friends outside of your marriage to do things with at the weekend. And no one is really interested in deep cleaning, it's just something that has to be done, so he participates!

The way you write op is to keep putting him on a pedestal and disparaging your own wants. What he wants to do in his down time, isn’t superior to yours, it’s just different. For your down time, you want to potter, which is a perfectly acceptable thing to do, and equally valid.

What do you do when he's running 10 miles every morning? Could you use that time to have a break? (Or does he do it in half an hour?!)

What about when he's out at his clubs on the weekday evenings?

Tell him to get some friends. Join a club. Start his own club. Walk some dogs or even better take some working breed dogs for a run. If they can’t chase sheep or cows then going for a run with him might be enjoyable for them.

I’ve been married 25 years. Hell no to doing things together all day every day on weekends. My DH used to be quite energetic but nothing like OP’s DH. I’d tell him to go do something. Once we had a child I’d happily wave the two of them off to go run around a park or playground together and wear each other out.

@JustNeedToVegOut Tell him no. “No I’m not going anywhere today. I’m staying in so what are you going to do? Feel free to go out without me.” He can go have his adventure, take some photos or videos if he wants, and then come home and tell you about it and show you the photos and videos. Spending time apart is healthy. Having your own interests is healthy. He sounds a bit suffocating to me. One weekend day together and one weekend day for individual activities. That’s a compromise, not a 5km hike with white water rafting, an open ocean 20km swim or a 10km hike up a mountain. They’re all his choices, not yours.

Your opening post was a bit misleading, saying you think weekends are for fun and adventure, but also housework and rest. You clearly prefer the latter and your husband the former, nothing wrong with that and many couples do their own thing at weekends if they have different interests. As long as you still do some fun things together, share the housework, and don’t spend all weekend like ships passing in the night, I wouldn’t worry.

Can he join a running club? I used to love a weekend lie-in and my husband would be wide awake and wanting to get up. I’d force him to stay with me. It was frustrating for him. Now he gets up when he wants and so do I. By the time I come down, the cat’s fed and watered, dishwasher emptied, my first coffee of the day is ready and breakfast on the go. We always discuss weekend plans. If I want to go to an early exercise class, I’ll let him know. He’ll often go on a bike ride. It’s all about compromise and communication.

One day together going out and doing chores
One day separate,so you each choose exactly what you want to do alone

Send him off to work and spend the money

@JustNeedToVegOut Could you suggest an Iron Man event, he'd have to train and you could have a lovely day off to potter 😎