DIL causing issues

[Rosey44]

Hello just looking for advice on how to navigate issues with sons new wife. We had the wedding abroad as that’s where her family are from. My son with my help wanted his friends and family for a celebration over here. I was happy and offered to help pay towards it. Unfortunately son lost his job.
They are living with us while they get themselves sorted. Our house is big enough to accommodate everyone.
I have begun to notice little things about her that make me feel like I am abit crazy.
I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?
She has told my son she would like to invite a family member to come to the celebration even after I told her no. Bear in mind she doesn’t really know this relative and they have never come to visit us ever . When my son told me I was unhappy and told him he could pay for all the celebrations catering and I would not be involved.
I feel I am being undermined but I am not sure what’s going on or why.
She is doing other little things whilst living with us and I am not sure what is happening as I am trying to remain calm. What do you think?

What was your reason for refusing to allow her relative to come to the event?

And in the days of mobile phones, adults do not need to tell their parents where they're going. They're contactable if needed si there's no need to worry.

You want adults to tell you where they are going?
You’ve said to know a guest at their own celebration.

I don’t think it’s the DIL being weird tbh.

I think your son is an adult and can go wherever he likes without needing to tell his mum.
Who is paying for the relative to conme over?, if it's your DIL then you can't tell her who she can invite to her wedding celebration.

I think you're being unreasonable. Your son is grown up and married. He doesn't need to be telling mummy where he's going, like a child. Perhaps a rough idea of what time they'll be back would be nice, but I certainly wouldn't expect it. Why are you worrying about a grown man?

Your DIL inviting just one person to the party is perfectly reasonable too. Why are you so against it and throwing your toys out of the pram about paying after you've offered. You're sounding overbearing and you're not setting yourself up for having a good onward relationship with them.

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

I think this kind of reads like a reverse because it is obviously unreasonable. No one asks their married son to check in where they are going, no one drops in passive aggressive demands on wedding parties and then owns up to tantrumming when it isn’t going their way.

I'm sorry but it's absolutely ridiculous to expect a married adult couple to tell you where they are going every day! Perfectly reasonable to expect the courtesy of them letting you know if they will be away overnight as they are living in your home, but expecting them to keep you updated on their whereabouts is bonkers.

And what exactly would be wrong with your DIL inviting a family member to an event to celebrate HER marriage?

The complication of course is that they are living with you and so they might feel they have to dance to your tune. It is good of you to put them up. But you are absolutely setting yourself up for a major conflict (which you won't win) so my strong advice would be to take a massive step back and let them get on with their own lives without your overbearing interference.

I think, in fairness to you, it's very difficult to have your adult children come live with you and not treat them like children. But fundamentally, they're not children and shouldn't have to tell you where they are. The other bit is bizarre. It's obviously your celebration, why bother using them as an excuse to have a party? Just have a party and leave them out of it.

You need to navigate out of their business.

Why would you worry if 2 adults don't tell you where they are?

If they had their own place you wouldn't know anything about where they are at all.

Why isn't she allowed her own relative at her own celebration?

You sound like the sort of person who manipulates people with favours/money.

No it's not a fair reason to exclude her guest. You sound really controlling and like "that" MIL.

You sound weird
She is your dil and wants to invite a family member to a family celebration
What do you actually have against her

You don’t like your DIL very much do you?

Presuming your DS is over 18 then it’s unreasonable that he checks in with mummy where he’s going

Good manners to let you know if they’ll be out late or away but why on earth do you think you need to know where he is at all times?

Sorry but it’s you who is being weird not your DIL

You really need to pick your battles. Why on earth can't DIL invite one person to the celebration? It's fair if you don't want to pay for airfares but I can't see why one person coming is such a problem. Especially if it makes your DIL happy when it's their celebration.

Going out, they don't need to tell you but it is general common courtesy for them to let you know when they expect to be back. Everyone in my household, parents included, would say they're going out and will be back about x time. Alternatively, even, "We're popping out. Not sure when we'll be back as we're not sure what we're doing yet." If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to have reasonable autonomy. They don't need to ask your permission or tell you where they are going.

But it's the celebration of their wedding is it not? Ops offer to host is disingenuous if only guests she'd met can come.

So you’re paying for your son’s celebrations but it comes with terms and conditions and if they don’t adhere to them you pull out altogether, that’s so bad lol I agree with his wife he is an adult and shouldn’t have to tell you where he is going, yes us parents still worry even when they are adults but at some point we have to cut the cord for them, he has a phone if you ever get that worried send him a text but don’t treat him like a child. You’re being the unreasonable one here not his wife.

You are being unreasonable.

This can’t be real it’s written like you know it’s unreasonable. She’s not allowed a guest at the celebration of her own wedding, because that person has never come to visit you before?
and you are fighting because two adults don’t want to report their every move to you? And you’re blaming it all on DIL, and threatened to remove all finances and your involvement at all in his wedding celebration if it doesn’t go how you want?
I don’t think DIL is the problem.

You started this with “we had the wedding….”
it’s not we. It’s your son & DIL.

You're poor DIL must be wondering what on earth she's married into.

A gift with conditions isn’t a gift

I’m a mother-in-law (who gets on well with her daughters-in-law).

You’re being very very very unreasonable.

Genuinely curious does 'letting you know where they're going' extend to, say, popping to Tesco for some milk?

It’s her bloody wedding not yours- of course she can have her relative there! Does she get to question whether each of your guests is worthy of being there?

Other questions include:

You say 'we' had the celebration: are you aware it's your son and DIL getting married and not yourself? There is no 'we'

Why did you tell her no? Is she a child? Can she not decide who she has at their wedding for herself?

Can you really not see how you come across here, to us and to her?

You sound like my PIL, who tried to enmesh themselves with our lives and control what we named our cats, so now we hardly see them based on DH's opinions. Best of luck!