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Original poster

DIL causing issues

238 replies

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:26

Hello just looking for advice on how to navigate issues with sons new wife. We had the wedding abroad as that’s where her family are from. My son with my help wanted his friends and family for a celebration over here. I was happy and offered to help pay towards it. Unfortunately son lost his job.
They are living with us while they get themselves sorted. Our house is big enough to accommodate everyone.
I have begun to notice little things about her that make me feel like I am abit crazy.
I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?
She has told my son she would like to invite a family member to come to the celebration even after I told her no. Bear in mind she doesn’t really know this relative and they have never come to visit us ever . When my son told me I was unhappy and told him he could pay for all the celebrations catering and I would not be involved.
I feel I am being undermined but I am not sure what’s going on or why.
She is doing other little things whilst living with us and I am not sure what is happening as I am trying to remain calm. What do you think?

OP posts:

Smittenkitchen · 25/07/2025 08:22

It's you.

Venalopolos · 25/07/2025 08:24

This must be a reverse. If not I feel a bit sorry for your SIL and DIL, but you should probably apologise and step back out of their lives. YABU.

Shessweetbutapsycho · 25/07/2025 08:24

Sounds more like MIL causing issues to me!!!
it’s one thing perhaps dropping your plans into conversation, but it sounds like you’re asking them to let you know their whereabouts if ever they go anywhere outside the home. They’re both adults, I can see how this would be annoying (and a bit icky) for an independent young woman. Also, regarding her wedding celebration, surely she can invite who she likes, I don’t think you should be forbidding her. If I were you I’d back off a bit, you sound very controlling. Whilst you are able to control them at the moment when their options are limited, I wouldn’t be surprised if they completely pull away from you as soon as they are in a position to regain their independence.

aCatCalledFawkes · 25/07/2025 08:26

Did I actually read right that you are hosting a wedding celebration for them and have told the bride she can't invite a family member because of some ridiculous made up rules you have? Wow who does that? She's the bride she should be able to invite who she wants. YABU.

mamagogo1 · 25/07/2025 08:29

Asking them to tell them where they are going is seriously ott, fair enough to say going out won’t be back for dinner, or going out will be late but beyond that you need to chill. Also why are you controlling the guest list?

IsItSnowing · 25/07/2025 08:30

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

No, it's not a fair reason. You shouldn't get a say at all in who she invites.
Of course she should be able to invite a relative even if it's one she hasn't seen for years. I can't believe anyone would think otherwise.
You sound very controlling. We've had adult children live with us on and off and we'd never expect them to tell us where they're going.

Blueuggboots · 25/07/2025 08:31

They do not need to tell you where they are going( that is ridiculous.
if you are cooking for everyone, then it’s fine to know if they need catering for.
your DIL can invite who she likes to HER wedding celebration and you don’t get a say in that.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/07/2025 08:33

Yabu.

If you worry about grown adults then that's your issue. The only thing I'd expect to be told is if they weren't going to be around for meals, if you share food / cooking.

If you're paying towards the wedding celebtation it's meant to be a nice gesture to support and help them out, not so you have control and final say over a guest list

nc43214321 · 25/07/2025 08:37

Urm unsure whose wedding this is? Don’t offer to pay for it then control it all. Tbh none of this sounds like a great start to married life. Cut the apron strings.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 25/07/2025 08:42

You appear to be very controlling and if you don't get 'your way' have a tantrum. You are being unreasonable. Perhaps a way forward is for them to start to look for somewhere else to reside.

Internaut · 25/07/2025 08:45

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

Well, no. She's your DIL's relative, DIL wants her there, it is to celebrate DIL's marriage. Those are all good enough reasons. We had loads of people at our wedding that my parents didn't know.

CoastalCalm · 25/07/2025 08:49

Your DIL asked for one person from her side to be there and you said no ? Wow you’re beyond being unreasonable

Katflapkit · 25/07/2025 08:51

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

No it's not fair. Your reasoning sounds mean of spirit. There could be a 100 reasons why they have not met up. Perhaps they have a close phone/text relationship. It's not your place to monitor her interactions with her family. If the celebration is about your son's friends and family is she not allowed one relation to give her a bit of support. If it's the fact you don't want a stranger staying in your home then invite them to visit beforehand or suggest they stay in an Airbnb or hotel due to lack of space.

I also think you both need to stop using your son as a messenger pigeon. Sit with them both and say what you need to say, much less likely to be misconstrued.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 25/07/2025 08:52

Very much a you problem. Why can't she have a relative present?

BlueandPinkSwan · 25/07/2025 08:59

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

Your son should have discussed it ? You threatened to pull out of paying for the wedding? You want your son to let you know where they are going?
I think your dil has cause to be worried and defensive tbh. You come across as being one of THOSE mils, what it going to be like if they have a kid?
Sorry but I would be looking to move out asap if I was the couple, but perhaps that the idea behind your behaviour. If so that might be a good thing but in the long run it might well wreck your relationship

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 25/07/2025 09:07

superking · 24/07/2025 22:33

I'm sorry but it's absolutely ridiculous to expect a married adult couple to tell you where they are going every day! Perfectly reasonable to expect the courtesy of them letting you know if they will be away overnight as they are living in your home, but expecting them to keep you updated on their whereabouts is bonkers.

And what exactly would be wrong with your DIL inviting a family member to an event to celebrate HER marriage?

The complication of course is that they are living with you and so they might feel they have to dance to your tune. It is good of you to put them up. But you are absolutely setting yourself up for a major conflict (which you won't win) so my strong advice would be to take a massive step back and let them get on with their own lives without your overbearing interference.

You are so out of order it's untrue. You cant expect adults to tell you where they are going all the time and surely you dont believe it's reasonable to tell your dil she cant invite family to her own wedding celebration. Quite frankly you sound hugely controlling

Robin67 · 25/07/2025 09:12

It's not your DIL, it's you

An adult married couple don't need to tell you their movements

If it's a celebration for their wedding/ marriage then it's mental that you won't let her have this one guest.

Financial manipulation much?

I hope they manage to move out and escape you before they have children, and that your son protects her and the children from you

DrowningInSyrup · 25/07/2025 09:13

YABU. Sounds like you have control issues, she has really not done anything wrong. You sound very unwelcoming and a bit envious of her. The not allowing her to invite her relative is really weird. You are treating them like children.

howshouldibehave · 25/07/2025 09:16

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

Do you know her? Why on earth would she visit you!?

You are behaving in a very strange and controlling way. It's not your daughter in law that's at fault here.

Does she work? Hopefully they will be able to move out of this oppressive situation very soon and see you much much less.

namechangeGOT · 25/07/2025 09:16

When you gave birth to your son did the midwives forget to cut the umbilical cord? It’s the only reason I can think of that would cause you to think you have any right to be still in control of any aspect of your sons life.

2chocolateoranges · 25/07/2025 09:17

YABU, I have two adult children living at home with me, my dd tells me where she is going but my son doesn't, he is the eldest at 24.

Your ds though living with you is a married man, he doesn’t need to tell you his every move however I think it’s time they move out as you are so controlling.

why can’t the dil invite someone who she knows, who made you the boss of who they invite?

Chocja · 25/07/2025 09:17

Does the relative hold a serious criminal record? That drip feed would make say YABU, unless they have form for being an armed robber or murderer or something then you are coming across as way too controlling.

As others have said, it’s normal and respectful to let people know if you will be there for a meal if you are cooking but if you aren’t cooking for them then no you don’t need to know where they are going.

Merryoldgoat · 25/07/2025 09:18

Behaviour like this is why so many DILd end up with fractured relationships with MILs

’told her no’
’don’t mind where they go’

None of this is your business. If you honestly think it’s normal for your adult son to tell you where he’s going all the time you are the problem.

And you don’t get to dictate who she can invite to her marriage celebration.

But I can tell already you don’t think you’re at all unreasonable so no doubt you’ll be here in 3 years asking why you never see your son and why your DIL won’t let you see your grandchild as much as you’d like.

Velmy · 25/07/2025 09:19

You're being very odd.

"I'll help with the wedding but if there's a single guest I don't approve of for some nonsense reason, I'll withdraw the offer and ruin the whole thing..."

"Also don't go to Tesco without telling me."

Orders76 · 25/07/2025 09:19

Who did she want to stay?

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