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Original poster

DIL causing issues

238 replies

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:26

Hello just looking for advice on how to navigate issues with sons new wife. We had the wedding abroad as that’s where her family are from. My son with my help wanted his friends and family for a celebration over here. I was happy and offered to help pay towards it. Unfortunately son lost his job.
They are living with us while they get themselves sorted. Our house is big enough to accommodate everyone.
I have begun to notice little things about her that make me feel like I am abit crazy.
I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?
She has told my son she would like to invite a family member to come to the celebration even after I told her no. Bear in mind she doesn’t really know this relative and they have never come to visit us ever . When my son told me I was unhappy and told him he could pay for all the celebrations catering and I would not be involved.
I feel I am being undermined but I am not sure what’s going on or why.
She is doing other little things whilst living with us and I am not sure what is happening as I am trying to remain calm. What do you think?

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 25/07/2025 11:56

Carry on as you are, and you'll lose your son...

Definitelynotme2022 · 25/07/2025 11:57

"We had the wedding......" Ummm, no. They had the wedding abroad, it wasn't your wedding.

I'm really hoping this is a reverse, tbh. I have dc's ranging from 36 to 13, I can't imagine expecting my adult children to let me know where they're going. Even when they've lived with me for a few months. A quick text to ask if they want to be included for dinner, and done. It doesn't matter if they live with you, they're adults.

And I really can't see any reason why DIL's relative can't come to the celebration, it would be nice for her to have someone from her side of the family. And your reaction comes across as OTT and controlling.

If you were my MIL, or even mother, I'd moving out as soon as possible and keeping you at arms length. You sound like you'll be a nightmare grandparent.

OnceIn · 25/07/2025 12:02

BunnyLake · 25/07/2025 11:24

What rules are they breaking?

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If the op wants to know where her ds is, he should let her know. If he doesn’t want to tell her, he moves out. Might seem ridiculous, but it’s her house he’s living in

FluffyRabbitGal · 25/07/2025 12:06

I think it’s unreasonable to expect them to tell you where they are going, as they are adults and don’t need your permission. I also think it’s unreasonable to tell them who they can invite to celebrate their wedding. However you well within your rights to say they can’t stay in your home whilst they visit.

Grammarnut · 25/07/2025 12:08

So DiL has her there. It is her party. Why does it matter the guest has not visited? You sound like the MiL from Hell.

tinyspiny · 25/07/2025 12:15

It is nice of you to house them but I think it’s unreasonable to know where either of them are going , it’s reasonable to know if you should expect them home that night but very controlling to want to know where your adult married son is , if he wasn’t living with you you wouldn’t know where he was so what is the difference . I must say you do sound generally quite controlling .

BunnyLake · 25/07/2025 12:16

OnceIn · 25/07/2025 12:02

If the op wants to know where her ds is, he should let her know. If he doesn’t want to tell her, he moves out. Might seem ridiculous, but it’s her house he’s living in

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Why does she need to know where they are going though? Yes I guess if she wants them to only stand on their heads when eating the dinner she’s cooked, then her house her rules.

OP is being overbearing.

Ihopeyouhavent · 25/07/2025 12:16

Jesus - you are a MIL nightmare!! Crackpot to expect grown adults to tell you where they are going.

Member984815 · 25/07/2025 12:16

Yabu to think that a married couple need to ask permission to invite someone or need to let you know where they are at all times. Hopefully they can move out soon and cut the apron strings, if you carry on trying to control their lives like this they will cut you off , try to relax and go with the flow a bit .

BunnyLake · 25/07/2025 12:19

OnceIn · 25/07/2025 12:02

If the op wants to know where her ds is, he should let her know. If he doesn’t want to tell her, he moves out. Might seem ridiculous, but it’s her house he’s living in

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If she wants to have a non-toxic relationship with her son and his wife when they move out she needs to rethink her attitude.

PinkBobby · 25/07/2025 12:19

OnceIn · 25/07/2025 12:02

If the op wants to know where her ds is, he should let her know. If he doesn’t want to tell her, he moves out. Might seem ridiculous, but it’s her house he’s living in

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I think if you’re a parent who helps their child out with housing when they’re an adult, it doesn’t mean you can treat them like a teenager again. You respect them as an adult and help them because you love them. Needing to know where they are is controlling and shouldn’t be a condition on helping them at what I’m sure is a very challenging time. I totally understand if he was refusing to help tidy up or cook or repeatedly coming in a 3am with loads of friends. But when they leave the house, the OP has no ‘power’.

namechangeGOT · 25/07/2025 12:22

OnceIn · 25/07/2025 12:02

If the op wants to know where her ds is, he should let her know. If he doesn’t want to tell her, he moves out. Might seem ridiculous, but it’s her house he’s living in

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If OP wants to treat someone who lives with her like a child then she should foster.

RedSeven · 25/07/2025 12:22

Huggersunite · 24/07/2025 22:33

I think this kind of reads like a reverse because it is obviously unreasonable. No one asks their married son to check in where they are going, no one drops in passive aggressive demands on wedding parties and then owns up to tantrumming when it isn’t going their way.

Yep!

And no one reasonable would say 'we' had the wedding.

the OP didn't have a wedding. She was a guest at her son's wedding.

if this is real OP you need to cut the apron strings. It's too much and you're being uptight about the relative.

Anonymouseposter · 25/07/2025 12:31

This is obviously unreasonable and has the flavour of a reverse.

MummaMummaMumma · 25/07/2025 12:32

"We" had the wedding abroad? Why on earth "we", not "they"? It's their wedding.

Even if you're paying, a party to celebrate their wedding does not involve you. The bride can invite whoever she wants, absolutely no discussion with you is needed.

You wanting to know where they're going is controlling and extremely odd.

YABVVVVVU, your DiL has done nothing wrong.

ginasevern · 25/07/2025 12:37

Who's paying for their bills and keep OP? Are they paying any rent? And how long do they intend living with you? I'm afraid they can't have it both ways. If they can't put up with the odd petty quirk (and years of entrenched expectation) in your house, then maybe independence and self financing will be more to their taste. The party guest is a different matter. Why on earth are you causing such a drama about one extra guest? I assume there's more to it. But if there isn't then this seems over the top.

AhBiscuits · 25/07/2025 12:40

This is either a reverse or you are the MIL from hell.
I can't tell you how much of a turn off I would find it if my husband had to report his every move to his mummy 🤮

PhilippaGeorgiou · 25/07/2025 12:40

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

Wow you are being really weird. They are grown ups. Married grown ups. You are acting like a control freak. Carry on and once they move out you may be left on a very peripheral edge of their lives, and rightly.

Flossflower · 25/07/2025 12:41

What is all this we.

’We had the wedding abroad’
No they had their wedding abroad

Your DIL can invite who she wants to her wedding celebration.
Adults do not need to tell you where they are going.
Drop the apron strings.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 25/07/2025 12:45

I wouldn't want to share my home with my DIL and DS even though I love them both to bits. Two women in one house both in love with the same man (son and wife obviously) is always going to be potentially awkward! Also there are possibly cultural differences - as you said her family are from abroad (wherever that is?)

I don't think they should have to tell you where they are going. I'd want to know if they'll be in for dinner if I'm cooking or something but other than that - they are adults and they should be able to come and go as they please. Are they paying you any rent at all?

The relative visiting to go to their celebration, I don't think is a massive problem. I can't believe she would want to invite someone she hardly knows? But for you to tell your DS that you won't pay for the celebration if the relative comes is childish imo.

Nanny0gg · 25/07/2025 12:47

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

You are very unreasonable

At the most they should maybe give a rough time of returning from going out at night (assuming it's after midnight). Absolutely don't need to tell you where.

And why on earth have you banned ONE relative because YOU don't know them?

Way to go to have no relationship with them at all as soon as they move out

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 25/07/2025 12:51

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 25/07/2025 11:17

This has to be a wind up 🤣

there is a crazy Jocasta mother in law troll who presents as wanting her darling baby boy to crawl back up inside her.

whether this is her or someone else entirely, only MN will be able to tell.

MyLittleNest · 25/07/2025 13:02

I understand they are living under your roof, but your son is not a child. Telling them that they need to tell you where they are going every time they leave the house is completely unreasonable! You need to accept the fact that your son is an adult and stop treating him like a child.

It sound like it would be best for your long-term relationship if they move out as soon as possible.

BunnyLake · 25/07/2025 13:49

Sunshineismyfavourite · 25/07/2025 12:45

I wouldn't want to share my home with my DIL and DS even though I love them both to bits. Two women in one house both in love with the same man (son and wife obviously) is always going to be potentially awkward! Also there are possibly cultural differences - as you said her family are from abroad (wherever that is?)

I don't think they should have to tell you where they are going. I'd want to know if they'll be in for dinner if I'm cooking or something but other than that - they are adults and they should be able to come and go as they please. Are they paying you any rent at all?

The relative visiting to go to their celebration, I don't think is a massive problem. I can't believe she would want to invite someone she hardly knows? But for you to tell your DS that you won't pay for the celebration if the relative comes is childish imo.

I love my son, I’m not in love with him (are you sure you meant that?). I’ve already told my son he and his gf can live with me if they ever need to.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 25/07/2025 14:35

BunnyLake · 25/07/2025 13:49

I love my son, I’m not in love with him (are you sure you meant that?). I’ve already told my son he and his gf can live with me if they ever need to.

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I did say son and wife so obviously not a romantic 'IN' love. I think you know what I mean anyway. And good for you for agreeing to have them live with you. Just my opinion, like this is yours.