DIL causing issues

[Rosey44]

Hello just looking for advice on how to navigate issues with sons new wife. We had the wedding abroad as that’s where her family are from. My son with my help wanted his friends and family for a celebration over here. I was happy and offered to help pay towards it. Unfortunately son lost his job.
They are living with us while they get themselves sorted. Our house is big enough to accommodate everyone.
I have begun to notice little things about her that make me feel like I am abit crazy.
I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?
She has told my son she would like to invite a family member to come to the celebration even after I told her no. Bear in mind she doesn’t really know this relative and they have never come to visit us ever . When my son told me I was unhappy and told him he could pay for all the celebrations catering and I would not be involved.
I feel I am being undermined but I am not sure what’s going on or why.
She is doing other little things whilst living with us and I am not sure what is happening as I am trying to remain calm. What do you think?

You really, really need to respect your son's relationship. You aren't Principal Woman in his life any more.

Your whole post comes across like you are trying very hard to establish dominance over your son and in particular your DIL. It's an excellent way to push them away in the long run.

Have you thought about treating them as if they're your equals?

No. It's not your celebration, its theirs. Or because you've offered to pay, do you think you get the final say?

We had a post-wedding celebration in my home country after our wedding (in DH's). Loads of my family and friends, obviously, but DH had some colleagues from years before living in the country.

My mum, who was hosting, didn't bat an eyelash about inviting them. She said actually it was nice to have a chance to make DH feel included and welcome by inviting his friends too.

I think it is unreasonable to know where they are at all times. It is fair, for example, if you are sharing meals for people to confirm whether they'll be home for dinner. No more than that though.

How many guests is DIL having at the wedding celebration? Unless she already has 100s, then I think she should be allowed this one she has asked for.

OP, there is no reason why you always need to know where your son and his wife are - they're adults.
You obviously dislike this woman, but she is your son's number one priority, so you'd better shape up quickly, or your relationship with your son will be irreparably damaged.

It's not your place to say her relative can't come.

It's not your place to insist they tell you where they are. In fact it's pretty odd. Out of courtesy I would ask them to let me know if they're in for meals or if they're going to be away overnight but that's it.

YABU and really silly @Rosey44

This is either a reverse or a troll post. No one can be this blind to their bad behaviour.

My 19 and 18 year old are out separately tonight, I don't know where or when they will be back. Which is fine. They are adults. They will be quiet and not wake me up and are hopefully having lots of fun.

If my MIL told me I couldn’t invite a relative to a party celebrating MY wedding I would tell her to kiss my ass.

Sorry I have to agree with everyone else, you are being unreasonable. Be careful as you are going to end up causing issues and your son will take his wife's side. Chill out, let her invite her one family member and continue to pay what you were originally going to pay for.

You'd pull all funding to a party for your son because his wife wants to invite ONE particular relative?

You are being VVVVVVVV unreasonable.

Poor DIL

Also stop stalking your son.

You're being unreasonable. If they weren't living with you, they wouldn't be telling you where they're going, so why does that change just because they're in your house? They're adults. Why would you be worried anyway? I assume they have mobiles and can be contacted if needed?

As for the wedding celebration, it seems odd you'd deny the bride her choice of guest? Is the celebration for you or them? It's also a bit crappy to offer to pay, but make it conditional on you having control over THEIR celebration, which is what you've done by withdrawing your offer to help pay if they push back about inviting her relative. You've maybe made assumptions about the closeness of this relative based on physically seeing each other, there are so many other ways of keeping in touch these days.

I mean do what you want, but if you keep up with stuff like this, when they move out, it'll be you becoming the distant relative that doesn't get invited to stuff, so just keep that in mind.

You’re being very controlling. They are adults and can move freely without telling you where they are going.
Why can’t your DIL have ONE relative to celebrate her wedding?

yeah as soon as i read "we had the wedding" i knew it was gonna be you in the wrong

i don't think you're entitled to know where they are at all times, if your son happens to mention it then great but if not then don't worry about it, i personally hate when people are on my case for where i go all the time

and is the celebration not HER wedding celebration?? and you are dictating the guest list??? and denying her family member??? jesus

and to give an ultimatum about paying for it as well, i shall pray for your DIL she's in for a rough ride

Oh your poor DIL, I'd be looking to move asap if I were her. They're grown ups who shouldn't have to let you know everything they do, it's very controlling. Also if you're willing to pay for a celebration fine but it's their celebration not yours and they should be free to plan it as they like. I'd let you keep your money and you'd be gradually phased out of our lives

It's reasonable to let you know when they are returning
Reasonable if your sharing meals for them to say if they are in or out for dinner

Not reasonable to have to tell you where they are going

Your son is a grown up, of course he doesn't need to tell you everywhere he goes. If you want to know because you get anxious then go and get help for this anxiety.
As for the wedding party and you throwing your toys out of the pram, get over yourself. You sound very controlling. Another thing for.the therapy list.

you need to step back out of their business or you risk losing them. Youre coming across as very controlling wanting to know where they are and also saying who can/cant go to their event?! They are adults and married!

Obviously not real/a reverse. No one can be this obtuse

I wish you’d attached a poll because you’d be 100% unreasonable… 😬

Mumsnet pile on..

I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?

Yes. Very wrong. They are grown up’s, who are married. There is zero need to tell you where they are. That’s beyond controlling.

Your reason to refuse a relative to the wedding celebration is wrong. If you had of said you refuse to have them there as they are a convicted mass murdering paedophile who would make all the other guests uncomfortable and leave, I would have agreed with you. But you don’t have a reason apart from an over the top need to exert complete control over the couple.

I’s really rethink yourself. They will, rightly at this point, move out and go no contact with you. That would be normal in this situation. Change before it’s too late.

Let's all hope DS and DIL get back on their feet soon and can move far far away and no babies come along until they are several hundred miles away, preferably in a different continent.

This was exactly my thought too. OP your perspective on all of this is way off, you need to take a massive massive step back, let them live their lives, and you need to refocus on your own life.

Chat to them when they’re around, but don’t badger them for information or try to control their choices, or you’ll end up driving them both away from feeling suffocated.