Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DIL causing issues

238 replies

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:26

Hello just looking for advice on how to navigate issues with sons new wife. We had the wedding abroad as that’s where her family are from. My son with my help wanted his friends and family for a celebration over here. I was happy and offered to help pay towards it. Unfortunately son lost his job.
They are living with us while they get themselves sorted. Our house is big enough to accommodate everyone.
I have begun to notice little things about her that make me feel like I am abit crazy.
I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?
She has told my son she would like to invite a family member to come to the celebration even after I told her no. Bear in mind she doesn’t really know this relative and they have never come to visit us ever . When my son told me I was unhappy and told him he could pay for all the celebrations catering and I would not be involved.
I feel I am being undermined but I am not sure what’s going on or why.
She is doing other little things whilst living with us and I am not sure what is happening as I am trying to remain calm. What do you think?

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 25/07/2025 07:07

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

Nope.

Also, “we got married”? Do you see yourself as part of the happy couple?

This is all so far from normal and you need to stop being so controlling unless you want to either lose your son or ruin his happiness.

Having them live with you is in theory a kind act - but are you doing it out of kindness or because you want to keep controlling your son? It’s normal to ask that they let you know if they’re going away but outside of that why do you need to know?

Agua2025 · 25/07/2025 07:08

@Rosey44 you are being petty and controlling.

OutingHobbyWife · 25/07/2025 07:19

You sound like mil. Unable to cope with the idea that your little boy is now a full grown autonomous being. We no longer see mil.

It's really not your dil who is causing issues.

PigletSanders · 25/07/2025 07:22

It does read like a reverse.

Terfedout · 25/07/2025 07:25

You are being very unreasonable to them both. What's the betting we will see you on the parental estrangement board on gransnet in the future? That's what you are risking with your behaviour at the moment sadly.

IberianBlackout · 25/07/2025 07:37

She needs to run for the hills, to be honest.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 25/07/2025 07:47

Is your son an only?
Is your DH around?

DancingNotDrowning · 25/07/2025 07:50

As the kids say: this is a you problem

you cannot possibly think it’s ok to not allow your DIL to invite one person to HER wedding celebration.

Imisscoffee2021 · 25/07/2025 07:50

Whether you realise it or not, you are in a power struggle with this woman and it will not end well.

They don't need to tell you where they're going, and you're being territorial because you've paid for this party, forgetting what it's for - celebrating your son and his future wife's union.

Surely you've read the many stories on here of parents thinking they have power over weddings because they're paying? Causes so many issues, can't you take your hand off the steering wheel and just enjoy this next stage of your sons life? They live with you, you could be fostering a brilliant relationship with her instead of alienating her?

EasternEcho · 25/07/2025 07:50

OP, you say that you feel your DIL is "undermining" you. They are a married couple now. There should be no role for you there to be undermined. Unless it has something to do with your home and behaviour within it, you are not part of that marriage. They are not undermining you. You are inserting yourself into a marriage, and think you have the right to do so, because they live in your home. You don't.

RosesAndHellebores · 25/07/2025 07:51

Hmm
If DS and DIL are staying with us, it's perfectly normal for them to say "hey mum, we are going to Tesco, do you want anything" or "we're having dinner at Tom's tonight, we'll be late back" and vice versa - it's totally normal to let people know what you are up to conversationally. DH and I do and DD and her BF do, with me and his mum when they are staying there.

If DIL had had a wedding celebration and wanted to invite a relly, that would have been fine. DIL and DS got married here and we went halves with her parents. There were no issues extending invitations to people either side hadn't met. Your actions there are peculiar, it's one person, and they are not obliged to visit you.

However, your son has lost his job and they are living with you. What is your DIL doing to find a job and are they paying their way.

It sounds horrendous all round. How long had they known each other before the wedding?

Ally886 · 25/07/2025 08:07

Married couples should not live with parents and expect it to be easy.

Parents of married couples should do the right thing and not allow their children to move back in. It sounds generous but it just causes situations like this and as a mother it's turned you a bit mad.

I don't know why your son losing his job means they have nowhere to live. Surely his wife works and they can cut their cloth accordingly?

lalasun · 25/07/2025 08:08

You sound a bit like my MIL - creating problems over really minor things.

It’s kind of you to let them stay while they sort things out, and equally while it’s a bit ridiculous (!) I don’t think you deserve a ton of criticism for asking them to keep in touch with you if they’re living there. If my adult DC were living at home and weren’t home by, say, 3am, I might worry too…it’s just courtesy to let people know your movements if you live with them!

But OP, I fear you are risking your relationship with your son and his wife. It’s your house and they should respect that - however, kick off about stuff and be difficult (the invite thing) unnecessarily will backfire.

As I said my mil was like this. One gripe after another about things we said, did, didn’t say, didn’t do. It felt like we couldn’t win - and after small one thing exploded into an enormous family row where some very hurtful things were said, I no longer see or speak to my in-laws and haven’t for over a decade! DH barely has a relationship with them - a very occasional phone call and sees them once every couple of years. Is that what you want? I wish my MIL had the intelligence to think about the impact her behaviour would have, but she didn’t.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 25/07/2025 08:09

Why shouldn’t the bride have a relative at an event to celebrate her and her husbands wedding?

why should an adult have to tell their parent about every move?

all of this sounds like a you problem.

FairKoala · 25/07/2025 08:10

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

So???

MooreMooreMoore · 25/07/2025 08:11

You sound very controlling and suffocating - your poor DIL! 🚩 🚩

GrumpyExpat · 25/07/2025 08:12

You seriously expect an adult to tell you where they’re going so you don’t worry? What are you going to do when they move out? Worry all the time? Sometimes I go out and don’t bother telling my husband and I don’t think he’s ever even batted an eyelid.
Not letting your DIL invite one person is so controlling and rude. She probably just wants one person there she knows well besides her husband. Grow up.

Nannyfannybanny · 25/07/2025 08:12

If I hadn't witnessed it myself, I wouldn't have believed this either. Firstly with my mil. She was right even when she was wrong, everyone was scared of her. Finally came the last straw, DH went NC 16 years ago. A couple of adult dks carried on seeing her, not my business,we were never discussed. I posted on another article on here, I have a friend,40 year old ds, home after marriage breakdown, and she treats him as though he is 10. Overseeing his friends,job, girlfriends. At the moment he's lapping it up! Have a look at the Beckhams situation,you won't win. When my DKs are staying here, I don't expect them to tell me they're going out, or popping to the shop.

Ruggerlass · 25/07/2025 08:13

You are the problem here, not your DIL. It is kind of you to let them live with you, however it is very unreasonable to expect them to tell you what they are doing. They are adults leading their own lives and you need to stop trying to control them or you risk losing them both.

As for DIL inviting relative to the celebrations I don’t see the issue, of course the choice is yours but to spit the dummy out and no longer help is very unreasonable and tbh childish.
I think the bottom line is you still see your son as your child to be controlled rather than a grown man whose priority is his wife and rightly so.

Travelodge · 25/07/2025 08:14

BlankBlankBlank14 · 25/07/2025 05:55

Agreed, I spotted that and did a massive eye roll!

”We”?

Show quote history

Or it’s accidental and a giveaway of a reversal.

Kisskiss · 25/07/2025 08:15

Sorry to have to say this @Rosey44 but if you continue this way you will push them away.

it seems a little strange that you need your adult son to tell you where he is, it’s something you
kight ask of a child or teen, I think you need to work on your anxiety around this as it’s not normal.
you also haven’t really explained about why you feel you can veto a guest the couple wants to invite to their wedding, if you are resenting paying, then back out of that and stop medflinb

Horses7 · 25/07/2025 08:15

Think you are micro-managing your son.
Make a big effort with DIL or you could lose your son.
Tell her perhaps you’ve got off on wrong foot and you’d like a fresh start eg invite relative and don’t threaten to stop wedding fund. Give her a hug and tell her you’re so pleased she’s marrying your son. Ensure an Oscar winning performance even though it’s difficult for you.

FightingTemeraire · 25/07/2025 08:16

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

Why on earth would this be a ‘fair reason’?

Hankunamatata · 25/07/2025 08:16

Is this a weird reverse?
Of course they dont need to tell you where they are going, they are adults
Why shouldn't dil have someone she wants at the party.

C8H10N4O2 · 25/07/2025 08:21

This is a marriage celebration event and the bride isn’t allowed to invite a family member and you control the guest list?

They have to tell you where they are going if they go out? Not simply “back after midnight, don’t wait up” but where they are going?

This has to be a reverse or made up. Its nuts.