DIL causing issues

[Rosey44]

Hello just looking for advice on how to navigate issues with sons new wife. We had the wedding abroad as that’s where her family are from. My son with my help wanted his friends and family for a celebration over here. I was happy and offered to help pay towards it. Unfortunately son lost his job.
They are living with us while they get themselves sorted. Our house is big enough to accommodate everyone.
I have begun to notice little things about her that make me feel like I am abit crazy.
I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?
She has told my son she would like to invite a family member to come to the celebration even after I told her no. Bear in mind she doesn’t really know this relative and they have never come to visit us ever . When my son told me I was unhappy and told him he could pay for all the celebrations catering and I would not be involved.
I feel I am being undermined but I am not sure what’s going on or why.
She is doing other little things whilst living with us and I am not sure what is happening as I am trying to remain calm. What do you think?

I'd say I don't believe this, but my MIL was similar, although progressed to verbal abuse when we didn't comply with her plans. She was always right, expected everything her way, and was unpleasant if you didn't comply.

I stopped talking to her & avoided her. Even DH eventually reduced contact. She missed out on a DIL who desperately wanted a good relationship with her MIL & having much more time with her GC's.

So it's time to go into a less involved mode. Be flexible and fair. Or you will definitely lose them once they move out.

You need to manage your own anxiety and not make it the responsibility of your son and your DIL.

No you don't need to know where they're going, when they'll be home, who they're seeing or anything else that you wouldn't know if they weren't living with you.

You're being very unfair to your dil not letting her relative come to the celebration. Again it's all about you and your anxiety.

The answer to him saying his wife is upset that she can't have her relative at the celebration isn't to threaten not to pay it.

Stop trying to use money to control your son.

🤣

It's not clear but I think her issue is not that DIL wants to invite the person but because DIL expects her to pay for the person since she is already paying for some of DS's friends and some family members.

I may be wrong though.

I agree with other posters that expecting her son to text her when they are out is OTT and unnecessary.

If it's truly that she doesn't want DIL to invite the guest then OP is ridiculous and using her money to control them.

I think there’s 2 things going on here, but they both boil down to an overreach in the amount of control you want, and it’s misaligned with the control DIL is comfortable with.

You don’t need to know where they are, but whilst they live under your roof it’s not unreasonable to know what time roughly to anticipate them back, and agree whose cooking dinner etc. that’s just respectful imo.

Regarding the party, you’re being unfair. This isn’t your party, but you are picking up the tab and therefore expecting to be able to dictate attendees. Is this really the hill you’re going to die on? It will be a nice opportunity for DIL to see the relative, you to meet them etc. they don’t need to dedicate more of their trip just to appease you.

OP you sound very controlling. Your DIL is part of your family now and you are treating her like an unwanted child. Your son is a married adult with a wife who is his top priority. I would bet if you keep this up when they move out they will go low or no contact with you. I would if I were in their shoes.

Can you repost this in AIBU so I can answer, 'YES, YOU BLOODY ARE!'

This.

Who did the son marry? Someone has control issues here and it's certainly not the DiL.

OP it's very kind of you to offer to support your son and his WIFE while they go through hardship with him losing his job. That does not give you the right to control them and dictate their lives. There is no 'we had the wedding'. They had the wedding. Husband and wife. It's also kind of you to contribute towards the wedding celebration. However the party is a celebration of THEIR wedding. You attended the wedding as your son's family, why shouldn't your DiL have her own family at the celebration? Stop and think how you would feel if your MiL treated you like this as a newlywed facing a time of hardship.

Surely a reverse.

Unless the ‘celebration’ is an intimate dinner party that you’re cooking for. And even then probably YABU.

You sound overbearing.

You don’t like your DIL because she called out your crazy enmeshed rule. No married adult should need to tell his mum where he is. I don’t think there would be anything wrong in wanting to know a rough time to be home but still not a need.

You offered to pay for their celebration. That does not make it yours and does. It mean you get control over the guests. It’s still their celebration. A gift doesn’t come with conditions. There is absolutely no reason why they should discuss their guest list with you. You didn’t get married.

When they move out and stop talking to you I’m sure you’ll be posting again saying “she stole my baby boy” and “ I don’t know why he won’t talk to me”

Poor girl, I bet she can't wait to move out of your home and away from your controlling ways.

Carry on the way you are and you will be lucky if you see any grandchildren in the future.

You would be perfectly reasonable to say, “I’m happy to pay for X number of guests.”

You cannot, however, dictate who those guests are.

You would also be reasonable to say that anyone they want to invite over and above the agreed number, they pay for. But again, you can’t dictate who any of those people might be.

Sorry OP, but I think you're the one causing issues, not your DIL.
Firstly, if your DS "always drops into normal conversations" where he's going, why did you feel the need to explicitly ask them to do this? It sounds like you're infantalizing them and, understandably, your DIL doesn't like this. They're adults and do not have to report their whereabouts to you. Once they've moved out to their own home, will you still expect them to let you know where they are every day? That's just crazy.
Secondly, you haven't given us a reason why your DIL particularly wants this family member to attend the UK celebration. It seems odd that your DIL should be so adamant about wanting someone there that you tell us she doesn't really know. Equally, it's odd that you're making such a fuss about just one person on the guest-list - it's their celebration after all (or did you think you could dictate this because you were contributing to the cost?).
Finally, because you're not getting your way you've withdrawn your offer to help pay for the celebration, even though your son has lost his job. Don't you think that's rather childish? (Not to mention, mean and controlling.)
Nothing you've written tells me this is a hill you should choose to die on OP and I think you risk alienating your DS and his wife if you do.

Just wow. The reference to not minding where they go so long as they tell you suggests you actually think you would be entitled to some sort of say in their whereabouts. You don’t.

Did your son have any friends and family at his wedding? Presumably it wasn’t exclusively your DILs side? If so why should the celebration at home be exclusively your son’s friends and family? Has your DIL been given any say in the guest list and planning? Your OP said you offered to help and pay towards it - not take over completely and shut down anything your DIL wants.

You haven’t replied more so no idea whether you are taking any of these comments on board or if you still think you are being reasonable.

Just because you have offered to pay doesnt mean you get to decide who is invited, it is still their wedding celebration. Let me guess, you have invited some of your friends that DIL doesnt know...

You are out of order demanding to know their business. I'd never say that to my sons or dil. That is not a house rule, like no smoking or washing up after themselves.

You sound very controlling. They are adults , they don’t need to tell you where they are going.

This can't real since you are being so very unreasonable. A grown adult does not have to tell you where they are going. And you won't allow her to invite a relative to her own celebration? How utterly controlling of you! Give your head a wobble!

It is you who are causing the issues.

It's reasonable for your son and DIL to tell you what time they will be coming home, and they might well mention where they’re going, but they are adults and you have no right to demand to know.

Why can’t your DIL invite her relation to her wedding celebration?

You are going the right way to ensure that once they can afford their own place you won’t see your son and any future grandchildren much.

But you are so obviously unreasonable, judging by the facts you have told us, that I suspect this is a reverse.

You sound like the sort of person who manipulates people with favours/money As @RepoTheGeriatricOperasays, you sound manipulative. My first MIL tried this with our wedding. I’ll pay for this but only if x isn’t invited. Told her she’d be uninvited if she tried that! Stop controlling your adult son and his wife. If you want to pay for the celebration, that’s great. But do it with no strings. And it’s none of your business where they go.

You’re really unreasonable. You think it’s appropriate to have a celebration for people who weren’t attending the wedding and refuse her to invite the one single person she wanted to attend?

You feel you are being undermined when it comes to a wedding celebration that’s supposed to be about them?
It seems like you’re just trying to assert your dominance in every situation whether or not it’s appropriate.
I’m really not seeing a single thing she’s doing wrong.

We had the wedding abroad…”

I knew OP was in the wrong second line in of reading her post. Had to double check whether OP had also got married.

Clearly OP sees the wedding celebration she’s kindly offered to pay for as her event and is using her financial generosity as a means of maintaining control over her son- that’s the real issue and her poor DIL is in for a ride. This is just the beginning.

Are you the MIL on the other thread that had a tracker on her DILs phone.

You sound utterly controlling and immature. I’d tell you to stick your celebration, it’s not for the couple, it’s for you to lord it over them.

What’s your son doing about a job and moving out, it’ll be a divorce next.

Agreed, I spotted that and did a massive eye roll!

”We”?