DIL causing issues

[Rosey44]

Hello just looking for advice on how to navigate issues with sons new wife. We had the wedding abroad as that’s where her family are from. My son with my help wanted his friends and family for a celebration over here. I was happy and offered to help pay towards it. Unfortunately son lost his job.
They are living with us while they get themselves sorted. Our house is big enough to accommodate everyone.
I have begun to notice little things about her that make me feel like I am abit crazy.
I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?
She has told my son she would like to invite a family member to come to the celebration even after I told her no. Bear in mind she doesn’t really know this relative and they have never come to visit us ever . When my son told me I was unhappy and told him he could pay for all the celebrations catering and I would not be involved.
I feel I am being undermined but I am not sure what’s going on or why.
She is doing other little things whilst living with us and I am not sure what is happening as I am trying to remain calm. What do you think?

OP, what are the arrangements under which your DS and DIL live with you? Are they responsible for purchasing and cooking their own food, or are you in effect running a hotel? Because to me, that makes the difference as to whether or not they tell you their movements - they shouldn’t have to tell you what they’re doing or where they’re going, but if you are cooking for them, surely it’s a simple matter of politeness to let you know whether or not they’ll be in for mealtimes? If they’re self contained, then it’s nothing to do with you, and they should be able to come and go as they please.
As for the wedding party, your DIL wants one person to come. No matter whether or not they have met you, there may be some reason of family diplomacy that means from your DIL’s POV, they need to be there. You don’t have to have met them - they will be introduced to you on the day. But to threaten to withdraw funding when your DS has lost his job is nothing short of unkind.

Does one extra make much difference? You are unlikely to know every guest anyway and people often invite distant relatives who they haven't seen for years to their wedding celebration.

Wanting to know where they are going all the time is ridiculous. If they were staying away, fair enough that they let you know beforehand but if just going out, it's not your business.

It's stressful enough for this couple to be living with you, don't make it worse. Let this be a time they will look back on with pleasure and humour.

Leave them alone to live their lives as best they can while under your roof.

I think “we had the wedding” says it all. No, they had the wedding. It wasn’t yours. There’s no reason at all to not invite the relative, it’s only one. You’re setting yourself up to be one of those MILs.

Reverse

So controlling op

Your son is not ten, he is an adult and married!

Secondly to nit pick over the guest list is so petty. It’s one guest does it matter?!

i feel very sorry for your dil, you are running the risk of completely ruining your relationship with them.

No it is not a fair reason.

DIL has the right to invite who she wants to their wedding. I’d be more inclined to let her invite her. The true relationship between your DIL and this person will evolve over time. Trying to exert control by refusing to pay won’t do you any favours.

I don’t think they need to tell you where they are going but expecting common curtesy and letting you know when they will and won’t be home isn’t unreasonable,

Oh dear dear OP you seriously need to have a long hard look at this. YABVVVU.

Op, you sound generous but unreasonable.
Your house mates should only need to say whether they will be in or not for meals. A simple heads up each morning if they are not eating at home with you all is polite for a sustainably respectful stay..
As to the celebration. You all need to agree on the place, date, catering, music or entertainment. The guest list should include all family members and friends whom the couple want to invite and same for you.

You do not get veto over the guest list!
If there is a genuine reason as to why the family member is not worthy of an invitation (they stole money from you, they abused your dog, they swore at your mother etc.) you need to share that with your son so that they both understand your resentment.

You are completely unreasonable
no neither of them should have to tell you where they are going that’s ridiculous

it’s their celebration not yours so they should invite whoever they want. You have offered to pay which is lovely but it would have perhaps been better for you to say I will pay X amount and Thry cover any surplus. Offering to pay does not equal any say in the event.
i would be careful you may alienate them if you continue to treat them like children

So you seriously think it’s ok for her to not invite someone to her own celebration because you’re paying for it? It’s awful

Nope you are the unreasonable one in this instance.

It isn’t your party though! You paying doesn’t mean that you get to control everything.

Also re knowing their every move, they are a married couple.

Agreed. Totally obvious reverse.

If not a reverse...bonkers.

@Huggersunite others have said on the thread their MIL did similar to them so it’s probabaly not as outrageous as we think unfortunately 😥

You can’t tell a grown man to let you know where he is! Why won’t you let an extra person come to the wedding? You sound very controlling. If you aren’t careful, she will get your son away from you

YABVU

Yabu, adult children do not need to tell you where they are going! My 20 year old doesn't need to tell me everywhere she's going! Why do you get to call the shots of who is invited to their wedding celebration? Don't see the dil is doing anything wrong and you sound overbearing and controlling.

Reverse

I think they do …

So you're throwing a party to celebrate their wedding but dil cant invite one person because she never visited you. I'd be telling you to stick thr party up your arse, you'd be celebrating without me.

Two adults are supposed to tell you where they're going every day because they live with you, that's totally unreasonable. I'd expect an estimated time of when they'd be back, that's it.

It really does sound like you don't like your dil and still treat your adult son like a child.

It's you, @Rosey44 .
Hi.
You're the problem.
It's you.

HRTFT. You sound like a nightmare from your OP and if you carry on I'd expect relations to sour quickly.
I have one married DS (who bought a house a five minute drive away and we see regularly), and another DS whose partner of two years lives with us. They're only early twenties. She moved in rather than renting (I invited her) when her parents moved.
I might ask if they're going anywhere interesting as part of a conversation, but have no idea what time they arrive home. I treat them like adults.
I paid towards DS1's wedding. My two closest friends, their husbands and all of my many siblings and nieces and nephews were invited. I didn't see the guest list until I saw a table plan. Why would you think it's up to you who they invite? Presumably your contribution is a gift and that shouldn't come with strings attached.

You are controlling…step back!

You sound like the MIL from hell.