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Original poster

45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

381 replies

WildflowerGardens · 22/07/2025 12:31

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

OP posts:
MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 22/07/2025 12:32

Washing your hands isn’t going to get rid of the smell of smoke from your hair, clothes or breath….

May913 · 22/07/2025 12:36

It's not unreasonable for him not to want to date a smoker and it's not unreasonable for you not to want to date someone who still lives with his parents.

ClearlyAGiraffe · 22/07/2025 12:36

I think it’s a weird thing for him to ask you but the two things are not related. I wouldn’t start a relationship with someone who smokes. And I’d want to know more about why he lives with is parents.

TeapotCollection · 22/07/2025 12:36

I would never date someone who smokes

Nor would I even think about having a second date with someone who appears to think he can have a say in what I can or can’t do

Dozycuntlaters · 22/07/2025 12:40

Forget about the smoking issue for a minute and listen to this.....

DO NOT have a relationship with a guy of that age that still lives with his folks. I did, it was an absolute nightmare. His utlimate goal was to move in with me and he was very very resentful that I wasnt in agreement with that. Honestly, it's a massive red flag - just dont do it.

WonderingWanda · 22/07/2025 12:41

I don't think his living arrangements and your smoking are remotely the same thing.

If he doesn't like you smoking (which he is entitled to dislike) that's fine, he can chose not to date you. I suppose if he felt really attracted to you with amazing chemistry but smoking really was a deal breaker for him then he could've more tactfully said something like "I'm so sorry, I really like you but I can't really be with someone who smokes" then the ball is in your court as to whether you like him enough to want to try and quit and see if it would work out.

However, he didn't. He rather pompously asked when you were going to stop which I would find off putting, makes him sound like a superior prick to be honest. In addition, your comments about him living at home are quite judgemental and make it sound like you don't really like him very much either. So I would conclude that neither of you liked each other enough to make it worth a second date.

CommissarySushi · 22/07/2025 12:42

Those two things are completely unrelated. Regardless, you sound incompatible.

NeverTrustTheScales · 22/07/2025 12:43

I cant stand the smell of someone who has been smoking and hand washing wouldn't make a jot of difference so it's fair to ask.

dizzydizzydizzy · 22/07/2025 12:43

I would never date a smoker.

CreationNat1on · 22/07/2025 12:43

I wouldn't date a smoker. You are both weighing each other up, normal.

Did he behave like a man child?

BernardButlersBra · 22/07/2025 12:46

I am more likely to date someone who smoked, than someone who lives with their mummy and daddy still. But lm not a fan of smoking. 1 date in he isn't in a position to tell you to quit smoking.

bluecurtains14 · 22/07/2025 12:47

I wouldn't date a smoker. Move on.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/07/2025 12:48

I think it’s absolutely fine for him to not want to date a smoker - were you not clear on your profile that you did. If you were, he might have just really liked you, and just asking a question. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask. So many of us don’t speak up at the beginning for fear of upsetting and then it goes tits up down the line.

with ref to still living with parents, whilst it could be a red flag, I don’t think it automatically is. Because it’s possible that they all really really like living together, so might as well. Then there’s more money for other stuff.

smallsilvercloud · 22/07/2025 12:48

I wouldn’t date a smoker or a guy that still lives at home in 40s, I guess he didn’t know beforehand you are a smoker , best to mention upfront in case it’s a deal breaker.

user1492757084 · 22/07/2025 12:48

I would never date a smoker.
I would date a person who lives with their parents if they had good reason to and if they lived like grown ups - responsible for their own cooking etc. Though I would assume he would want to move out and find a place of his own, so to continue to date me. That would be a reasonable request if I were to see a long term prospect.

ZoggyStirdust · 22/07/2025 12:49

May913 · 22/07/2025 12:36

It's not unreasonable for him not to want to date a smoker and it's not unreasonable for you not to want to date someone who still lives with his parents.

This. You’re both saying you have things you don’t want in a partner. Personally I agree with him 100% on the smoking and think yours is a little short sighted, but each to their own…

SilverHammer · 22/07/2025 12:51

While I wouldn't date a smoker either that isn't really the point. I do think it is a red flag that he is pressuring you to give up after one date. Throw this one back.

Original poster
WildflowerGardens · 22/07/2025 12:51

arethereanyleftatall · 22/07/2025 12:48

I think it’s absolutely fine for him to not want to date a smoker - were you not clear on your profile that you did. If you were, he might have just really liked you, and just asking a question. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask. So many of us don’t speak up at the beginning for fear of upsetting and then it goes tits up down the line.

with ref to still living with parents, whilst it could be a red flag, I don’t think it automatically is. Because it’s possible that they all really really like living together, so might as well. Then there’s more money for other stuff.

I should have said that we met at a speed dating night where I wasn’t smoking, so I didn’t have a profile as such

OP posts:
BastardesEverywhere · 22/07/2025 12:54

It sounds like you both have your own dealbreakers.

Yours is a 45 year old still living at home. His is fag breath.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, both are valid reasons to not want to continue things.

Original poster
WildflowerGardens · 22/07/2025 12:55

CreationNat1on · 22/07/2025 12:43

I wouldn't date a smoker. You are both weighing each other up, normal.

Did he behave like a man child?

He was actually rather odd. He referred to my (modest) cleavage as “the view” and praised it more than once. He asked whether I wore a bikini around the house(?!). He also complained quasi-jokingly that the lemonade I’d bought him in the cafe cost “a tenth of the price” of the tickets he’d got us for Kew Gardens - although my ticket was free and his was half price as he had a voucher….!

OP posts:
HunnyPot · 22/07/2025 12:56

it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date?

He didn’t ask you to give up! He wanted to know if you planned on giving up. Seems like a fair question.

His loving arrangements have no impact on you but you want to make it a drama for some reason.

Mrsbloggz · 22/07/2025 12:57

He'll be looking for a woman to provide nursing care for his parents as they get older.

Original poster
WildflowerGardens · 22/07/2025 12:58

HunnyPot · 22/07/2025 12:56

it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date?

He didn’t ask you to give up! He wanted to know if you planned on giving up. Seems like a fair question.

His loving arrangements have no impact on you but you want to make it a drama for some reason.

They do have an impact on me as clearly if we are to have an adult, rather than teenage, relationship I’d want to go home with him at some point and having parents there changes the atmosphere entirely.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 22/07/2025 12:59

Ooh it’s so much of a no (tbh from both sides)! The view Envy

Lookingtodate · 22/07/2025 12:59

throw him back the view and the tightness ye gods....