45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

He sounds like a potential creep, AND a tight wad who'd be keeping tabs on his vs your spending. So so unattractive.
I'd not be going on a second date with him.

Quite funny that you made the thread about two things that aren't necessarily awful of him, instead of this stuff which is pretty bad.

Smoking - he doesn't get to control whether you quit or not but if smoking is a red line for him, he gets to state that. Smoking would be a red line for me too.

Living with parents - this comes up all the time and it's really dependent on the individual situation. Size of house, type of relationship, future plans, caring responsibilities, focus on saving money? If you have a healthy, non-enmeshed relationship with your parents, and can maintain a degree of independence and the ability to look after yourself while living with them, why not? As someone who has toxic parents, I'm a bit envious.

"The view" and the bikini question are definitely a bit much for a first date.

I don't really believe in slating "tight" people (as someone who loves a bit of sensible frugality) but weighing up a lemonade vs a cut-price ticket is too far even for me.

He didn’t do that, though, he reasonably enquired about whether you planned to quit, as I guess that would determine whether he saw it going anywhere or whether he didn’t need to waste any more time. That in itself is entirely reasonable.

Of course it was also surely irrelevant because of his other behaviour which actually was repulsive and should alone ensure no further dates.

Someone living with parents wouldn’t be an automatic no for me, depending on the circumstances. Someone making those disgusting comments about your body would be.

I dated a manchild once, 43 and still in his single bedroom at home with mum and dad. He was looking for someone to rescue him, I think. He talked about wanting a house, a family, to travel. He had neither a passport nor a driving license and I ended up feeling like another mother to him, explaining that we couldn't go scuba diving in Egypt, unless he applied for a passport and that buying a motor home to travel Europe in would require a driving licence. I think we lasted 3 months before I moved on.

@gannett oh absolutely. I am naturally frugal, I HATE wasting money, but I enjoy spending money on loved ones, gifts, dinner etc.
There's a big difference between watching what you spend, and being a skinflint who makes every occasion miserable because they won't spend, or they insist on bringing it up when they do.

I think you're not compatible. He talks about 'the view' which is awful, and you are a smoker, which you have to understand would be a deal-breaker for many people including him.You're thinking ahead to potentially having to creep into his parents' home and trying not to make the bed squeak. He's thinking ahead to having a partner who tastes and smells of stale smoke, has yellow teeth and hair and runs a high risk of an early and painful death. Neither is appealing, frankly. He's not asking or expecting you to give up smoking, he's just finding out whether you have any plans to, because it's likely he doesn't want to date a smoker for the reasons given above.

You’re both judging each other, him for living at home at age 45, you for smoking. Both opinions are fine, you’re just not compatible. Fwiw I wouldn’t date either of you as I wouldnt date a smoker or some living at home at that age.

This thread is funny. OP Mumsnet hates smoking, so people are horrified that you smoke. I don’t smoke but wouldn’t really care unless you wanted to smoke in my home (I’m female and live with my male partner but you know what I mean), so I think this was an odd thing to ask. Fair enough if you’d asked to spark up in his mum’s house.

The fact he lives with his parents as a middle aged man, is tight, and sounds like a perv - nope.

No no no - run. I had a boyfriend like this when I was 19. He was 27 and all he talked about was money and how he appreciated the value of money and how I didn't and how much everything cost blah blah blah. As for the bikini and clevage questions - no. I hate smoking but the other things about him added to when he asked you if you planned to give up - no. Run.

He didn't tell you to give up smoking? He just asked. I did the same with my ex, very upfront, I don't date smokers, if you smoke we aren't happening. Ironically also the reason we split up 3.5y later when started smoking ecigs behind my back then lying about it

Bikini comment - bin.

Not everyone wants to move out. My adult DC are in their 20s and still live with us. Yes he's a nice man, probably loves him mum and dad a lot and feels no need to pay someone else's mortgage when he can stay with his parents at reduced costs.

Why do you feel the need to smoke and voluntarily damage your lungs? Do you not enjoy breathing?

I've completely forbidden any of my children from smoking.

Big fat no if he’s still at his parents’ house for no legitimate reason! Did he not say why?? Is it under the same roof or is he in an annex/separate area? I’m so curious!

Two separate issues

I would never date someone that smoked, unless it was a very rare social thing and even then I’d be very unkeen

I would never date someone that still lived with parents at 45. I get that it’s cheaper but it smacks of lack of drive/ambition. I once dumped a guy who was living with parents at 25 for that reason. Admittedly things were different back then and 25 would no longer be unusual but at 45 wtf is he doing. Is he actually a functioning adult that is able to pay bills etc?

If you like smoking then smoke. It’s nothing to do with him. If that’s a reason he doesn’t want to see you again then let him get on with it. He sounds like the Norman Bates type so you should ditch him anyway

Still lives with his parents at 45 and makes werid conments about cleavage? Come on op. Run.

No second date for this guy.
He sounds like a complete prick.

I wouldn't want to date a 45 year old who had never moved out of his parents house.
I wouldn't want to date someone who made comments like that about cleavage and wearing bikinis around the house.
I wouldn't want to date someone who made comments about the cost of the lemonade compared to the Kew Gardens tickets either, especially as yours was free.

I wouldn't want to date a smoker.

All of this is a non-starter. I'd just message him back and say no, I don't intend to give up smoking and it's obvious that we aren't compatible for that and other reasons so I wish you well, all the best.

He sounds really awful 😫

I hope you're not planning on another date OP. You are clearly not suited!

That attitude is fine enough when you're relatively young. Trust me, when you get to late middle age and some of your peers start dying horrible and possibly avoidable deaths connected to lifestyle choices like smoking, it makes you think that it really isn't wise to embark on a relationship with a smoker if you are, for example, hoping to have a family. That's not Mumsnet being judgy. It's Mumsnet being appalled by the waste of life of people who could have been around for much longer for their partners and children.

You know your kids probably smoke tobacco, weed and vape all at the same time, right? 😆

@WildflowerGardens I used to smoke almost 15 years ago, I am glad to have given it up! My ex BF nagged me from the first time I met him to stop smoking. He turned out totally controlling in many ways. I wish he was an ex sooner looking back. I didn’t stop because of him I stopped as I wanted to stop after few years after

He has every right to not want to date a smoker but to do in the manner he has - it will be something else next.

I have a brother who lives at home - he is a very lazy man. My mum lived abroad when he was in Uni and I stayed in her house for a few years, he used to arrive home at weekends, leave his laundry and come back the next weekend and get upset that his laundry wasn’t done - he never accepted I would not clean his clothes, his student accommodation had a washing machine. I think if my mam hadn’t gone abroad he would never have had any independence. In later years he divorced and he moved home and my mum now does his laundry and his kids - he is in his late 30s. He has no interest in moving out which really upsets my mum as she wants her independence back - I have talked about alternative housing options with him but he has no interest in- he wants his live in chef and cleaner. I would worry a man who has never moved out wants someone to cook, clean and do his laundry. I would worry someone like that wants a mammy wife!

I would never get into a relationship with a smoker. The smell, the smoke itself, the astronomical cost and the health implications as both smokers and passive smokers get older. No. Absolutely fine for him to have boundaries.

But - asking you to have given up by the following day ? Nope. Controlling and weird.

What we have here is a failure to launch. It's natural for people to strike out, make their own homes, their own lives, create their own families

Stagnating at dependent adolescent level, though - that suggests there are problems.

Living with his parents at 40+ - well they're probably not much older than me (😬), but we are all ageing and you might find yourself just moving in and sooner or later being the carer, and maybe financially controlled if he's that tight. Disappearing into a hole.

It's understandable he might be belatedly trying to do something about that, and maybe you and he could be right... Or not ...

The 'comments' suggest he is very awkward and clueless around women, and assumes that you're available for use.

Maybe you'd be happy with all that?

Or maybe you'll remember there are four billion men on the planet and a dubious fixer-upper may not be the one for you ...

Personally I'd say one and done.

Smoking is the least of your problems with him.