45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

His comments on your cleavage would be a huge no,no for me. Mind you so would living with his parents. Smoking would be a complete no too. Smoking stinks and no amount of hand washing will do anything to stop the smell on clothes, in hair, on breath etc

He doesn't want the mummy replacement he moves in with to smoke dirty cigarettes, but he did quite like "the view". Boak.

He sounds repulsive and you think he's odd. If he'd have knocked your socks off you might not find the question too perturbing. It's like you feel he'd be lucky to have you if you smoked 40 fags a day, you just don't like him and that's fair enough. Onwards.

It doesn’t sound like you’re well suited for each other. You think he’s a bit odd and dislike the fact he lives with his parents. He doesn’t want to date a smoker. There’s no point weighing up those things against each other like they might cancel each other out. It doesn’t work like that. You want someone who either also smokes or at least isn’t bothered by your smoking, and who has their own place. He wants someone who doesn’t smoke and who isn’t put off by his living arrangements.

He sounds awful!

Crikey op he sounds awful, avoid!

You’re both very different people, that’s all. He’s not for you, you’re not for him.

I can’t see how the 2 issues are related.

He’s put off by your smoking as most non-smokers would be. You’re put off by the fact he still lives with his parents at 45, as many people would be.

You don’t sound remotely compatible.

I’ve got the ick just reading that. Has he actually had any lasting relationships? I’m guessing not, given the frankly creepy comments about “the view” and the fact he’s still at home at 45. Chuck this one back, op. Don’t waste another moment thinking about it, he’s not a viable prospect.

Your going to have to smoke out of his bedroom window like a teenager... better pack some Impulse to spray around in a failed attempt to hide the smell..

I didn’t mean to sound entitled or conceited as I’m really not - I’m just surprised at his confidence in asking someone to stop a habit for him, for a second date

Yes, but then there would be no thread, and a chance for some posters to bash a man.

Good heavens, he sounds like an absolute prize, @WildflowerGardens - I can't imagine how you will resist his blandishments.

Even though I share his views on smoking, I can't see past the parade full of red flags he's waving!

Honestly @WildflowerGardens not worth a second date. The more you say the more it sounds like a poor match and he sounds a bit odd.

First dates are to see if you’re compatible - you’re not so don’t give him any more headspace, decline a second date and move on

Don't go there unless you genuinely want and intend to quit. Otherwise he will nag you about it for the duration of your relationship and it will lead to rows which will make you want to smoke all the more. It's not unreasonable of him to object to it - and his living circumstances are irrelevant. Find someone who tolerates your smoking or a fellow smoker.

Well he didn’t ask you to quit just if you plan to so he can decide if you’re incompatible. Regardless though he sounds awful.

This. Although a smoker would be a bigger no for me than someone living with their parents.

I don't mean you sound entitled at all. I was trying to say that if he was Chris Hemsworth you might not have been so bothered about the question and possibly have chucked your pack of fags in the bin with one hand and picked up Alan Carr's Stop Smoking book with the other!

He wasn't worth packing in the fags for. That's ok.

is an excellent poem about dating I like to quote the title of to mates, although the sound quality on this isnt' great, I can't find a better version.

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing, of all the things you have said he said, the smoking is the least of your concerns. I assume because it's hit a nerve or you feel you shouldn't smoke.

I wouldn’t want to date a man in his 40’s who had never in his life moved out of his parents house, unless there were exceptional circumstances as to why.

I also wouldn’t ever want to date a smoker.

Sounds like you’re not compatible so just move on.

Do you mean his comment about my modest cleavage being “the view”?

It’s not confidence asking you to stop smoking on the second date, it’s controlling. Also being tight and mentioning ‘the view’. Nope

I smoked heavily for 45 years and only gave five years ago. I'm so glad to rid of the expense and nuisance of it. And, on reflection, I think it contributed to my lack of suitors over the last 35 years

I smoked heavily for 45 years and only gave five years ago. I'm so glad to rid of the expense and nuisance of it. And, on reflection, I think it contributed to my lack of suitors over the last 35 years

You said he asked if you were planning to give up. A reasonable question so he could decide if you were, he may be interested but if not, he wouldn’t.