45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

And you’re worried about him asking if you plan to keep smoking 😅 He sounds like a proper creep, raise the bar a bit perhaps?

For what it’s worth, a smoker smells absolutely disgusting to a non-smoker, even if you wash your hands. I wouldn’t date anyone who smoked, I would just walk out. Have you thought of giving up for yourself more than for anyone else?

I think it’s weird to ask if you’re going to give up smoking. Fair enough to say that he’s not keen on smoking, and would rather you didn’t smoke when with him, but it’s a bit blunt directly ask you to stop.

Regarding the house situation , at 45 it’s a bit weird. If he’s fully independent at home- does his own washing, cleaning, cooking etc then maybe passable. But it does suggest failure to launch.

Sounds like he was oogling your cleavage like a thirteen old, hormonal, teenager. That’s a bit icky if you ask me, and not very mature. Also, the bikini comment, just weird.

Of course, men like this won't pursue a relationship with a woman who judges them or their family. It's better for them to avoid trouble and keep searching for women who are a better match for them. It's never a good idea to be around people who dislike you or your family, no matter which side you're on.
What's the issue with men who are employed and earning good salaries still living with their parents? They can move out if the women they're dating are worth it, and if not, there's no need to change.

The two issues aren’t related. I personally wouldn’t date someone who smokes but not would I ask them to give up.

This.

Please throw this one back. He's a man child. So many things wrong with him.

I wouldn't be too happy to date a smoker but even the way he approached that shows what a child he is.

Failure to launch?
It's all about personal choices. If someone decides to live with their parents, what's the big deal? If they don't have a reason to move out, why should they? They likely contribute by doing chores at home and covering their personal expenses, which is the least they can do.
In 2025, it's quite common for people to work high-paying jobs from home without ever needing to leave the house.

I'm not a huge fan of smoking (I've never smoked myself) but would overlook it if I REALLY liked the other person. However his lack of reality (asking if you'd have given up by your second date - does he have the faintest idea of how addictions work?) shows a naivety about life that, combined with his still living at home at 45, that would make me think 'just, no'.

I dated a man for quite a long time who had only just moved out of his parents' home at nearly 50. He was very good at his own housekeeping but would never think to raise a finger to help anywhere else, because he'd never had to help his mother around the house.

He doesn't sound like a catch, tbh. He seems cringe-inducing and unattractive, in fact, and I probably wouldn't ask someone I barely knew if they planned to stop smoking—but on the other hand, I might just stop seeing them without even bringing it up, because smoking is a deal-breaker for me.

A man of 45 living with his parents would also most likely be a sign that he's not the one for me. He's allowed to have his own set of deal-breakers, too, even if he does seem immature and prone to making cringe-worthy comments.

Quite. There was even a derogatory term in WWII, “Comfort Woman”, for women in sexual slavery to men whose country had annexed theirs! No thanks!

This.

Well, he doesn't want to date and smoker and you dont want to date a manchild. He has as much right to ask you to stop smoking as you have to ask him to move out of his parents house - none at all.

And yet you carried on texting him and say about the living setup "I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man"

Why on earth are you entertaining the idea of keeping dating someone who's clearly unsuited to you?

OP, as much as I want to hear how much more of a plonker he is on date no. 2, chuck this one back.

The two things have nothing to do with each other? Strange.

I wouldn't date a smoker. The smoke gets into everything. My clothes smell just having visited family, who smoke. It's yuck.

I also wouldn't date a man over 40 with living arrangements like that.

He didn’t ask you to give up he asked if you were planning to give up. I think that’s fair. I would never date a smoker it’s absolutely manky not to mention stupid given the health risks.

I think you may be hard pressed to find someone that would date a smoker these days

I agree with others the smoking comment is definitely odd. But the other comments would definitely put me off him.
The bikini one especially. Very weird.
Who speaks like that . Especially on a first date.
He sounds odd .
He sounds controlling and like he has a very old fashioned view of women.
I would definitely avoid him.

Smoking is utterly putrid. I’ve ended relationships with men when I’ve found out they smoke.

I’ve had several long term relationships with men who didn’t mind that I smoked - I ended the relationships for other reasons

Yes, I agree he put it badly, and much too soon. lt doesn't sound good.

This thread is so interesting, because every man I've ever met whose never moved out of their parents house or is back long term (3 years+) after a relationship breakdown, turned out to be emotionally immature and/or financially irresponsible and/or still letting mummy do everything for them. I've never met one thats emotionally mature and responsible. About half of them have a sob story about not moving out... that upon any form of interrogation always ends up being due to their own bad decision making. I
wonder if its to do with where I live, maybe its because we dont live in a cheap part of the country but its not city prices, so maybe im more likely to only meet men for whom its a 'cant be bothered/failure to launch' rather than a 'fully mature adult who lives fully independently with parents'. However I do wonder if there's ever a bit of um... parental bias, of the assessment of their children, given the forum. Interesting stuff!

The smoking wouldn't bother me, although I'm not a smoker myself, I don't mind people around me doing it (not in my house though).

Living with parents in these circumstances would be a flat no from me, however.

If the relationship went somewhere I'd probably be keen for the person to give up the fags, but asking after one date is as bananas as everything else seems to be with this man @WildflowerGardens.

Exactly, there's never a good reason for it, in my experience.

But we don’t know if he is independent, or still a mummy’s boys. From the breast and bikini comments, he sounds quite immature.