45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

I think that he was expecting the OP to give up smoking, @JayJayj - that’s the impression I got from him saying “Do you plan to give up smoking before the next date?” It has a weight of expectation to me - but it can clearly be read another way too.

But when it is added to the sexist crap he came out with - talking about @WildflowerGardens‘s cleavage and asking if she ever walks round the house in a bikini - this man certainly doesn’t sound like a catch.

I read more after I posted. But I agree with other posters. She changed the narrative. He went from a nice guy who lived at home to sexist and creepy. He can’t be both.

I can't believe you've said this.

Why?

@MightlySlad Yes but not smoking is also indicative of a good, independent personality because it shows you haven't followed the gang to be cool.

That is true, but I wouldn't judge someone on a daft decision they made aged 13 or 14.

Need a wide pelvis for that 😄

@Rayqueen that makes it sound like a bloody good reason to start if it keeps visitors away!

@WildflowerGardens as a smoker you clearly underestimate the stink .
Stale smoke breath .
hair clothes everything .
He clearly like you but can’t stand smoking.
Your are allowed your deal breaker ( if it’s him living with his parents )
He is allowed his ( if that’s smoking )

Smoking is a deal breaker for me

The comments about your chest and the cost of stuff . He is a creep who will expect you to put out abs his buying the tickets has entitled him.
yuck . Move on op

My god, im embarrassed for you with that response...

@BlueJeanSummer

tbf she’s getting some shitty responses from some people on here

This thread is beyond tedious 🥱, unwatching now

I mean....I would never date a smoker, the smell is vile to me. But then I wouldn't go on a date with someone who said they smoked either, cos what would be the point.
Did he know you were a smoker before hand? If he did, then that's a red flag.

Apologies, just read all your comments after posting, I usually read them first.
If he asked questions after discovered you were a smoker (how long, how many, any intention to quit etc) that would be fine, pressure to quit by next date....big no. Along with a few other things you have mentioned.

The living with parents I am on the fence about....it would be a bit of a read flag ...I'd want to know more....if they love like independent house mates, it could be ok, maybe it helps them out financially that he is there...but if mummy is still doing his washing and cooking his dinner...major red flag.

Yeah, like not getting tattoos! I’ve smoked and taken plenty drugs in my time but no one would know, with tattoos you’re left with the evidence of various character traits. So people are told smoking is disgusting, living with your parents whilst not sorting yourself out financially with property by the grand old age of 45 is ok. I suspect they’ll be rage bait and reports and anger if someone’s deal breaker is having tattoos. It’s a deal breaker for me, I wouldn’t ever date a man with his “meaningful” tattoos or someone 45 without his own property and investments. Different Strokes. Many will not be into me, don’t force it find a person like yourself. I dated the wrong types when I was younger, accept who you are and find someone like yourself, will be more fun too than listening to some prat talking about “the view” and the price of tickets, more fun interesting people out there. That will drain you. Sounds like Ronnie Corbett in Sorry!

I hate tattoos too. But so many people have them now that eventually you'll be in the minority if you don't have one.

This. 100% this. My stb exH lived at home till his early 30s and even once moved out was round at theirs for dinner most nights, mum did his washing etc I essentially replaced his mother 🙈

Smoke outside. Other than that none of his business. Tell him he can take it or leave it. 🤷‍♀️

But, I wouldn't get involved with a bloke, that age, who still lived with his mother anyway.

Men who live with their parents into middle age are too feeble for words.
My next door neighbours are in their 70’s and their incel middle aged son still lives with them. He has a beard down to his chest and gets odder by the week.

Why did you do drugs? Did your parents not raise you correctly?

Hold on, you can't generalise like this. Of my 2 DSs, one would have happily stayed at home, and only moved away because of work. He cooks, tries adventurous recipes, cooked for us when he lived at home and often cooks when he comes back. He's tidy and often washed dishes, and still does when he visits. The other one was in a hurry to move out. He leaves dirty plates around the house when here and around any accommodation of his own. It's as if there's a witch hunt going on. All sorts of people are protected against prejudice, but not those who live at home. We haven"t advanced, just changed.

Completely agree. Can’t believe you’re getting all the comments about smoking but no one seems to think a gut in his 40’s could possibly be a bit of an issue here.

A guy not a guy 😂

Gut. Not guy.