45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

He then asked if I would give up by our second date, which was scheduled for tomorrow night but which I have cancelled

I wouldn't date anybody who smoked. It's just a no no for a lot of people. And what you do on a date affects him. But him living with his parents doesn't affect you when on a date. Depends what you want if you continue to see him or not.

Ah ok understood. Yes a bit much then.

Sounds like a tight wad too. I would not date a smoker- my choice. I'd be annoyed if I hadn't found out before a date tbh. Living at home with parents would make me wonder if he was used to having things done for him.all the time. A man child perhaps?

I must admit, I would have been tempted to reply to his "Do you plan to give up smoking?" message with one of my own saying, "Do you plan to move out of your parents house and start to be an independent adult any time soon?" - but that would be a bit inflammatory.

It sounds like he lacks social skills generally; whilst it's not necessarily unreasonable for him to want to know if you plan to give up smoking, if I inadvertently ended up on a date with a smoker (and I didn't want to date a smoker) then I'd just end the relationship. I probably wouldn't ask if they planned to stop because that sounds a bit loaded.

Equally from the other comments you mentioned (gross, BTW), it sounds like he lacks an appreciation for what is considered normal social interaction.

I am surprised he managed to disguise this on the speed dating to be honest - he sounds quite fundamentally odd. Did you not pick up on the odd vibes when you met?

😂 I really wish you had done this @WildflowerGardens .

oooff, haha, but yes that response would show the same level of presumption, I feel!

Smoking is a deal breaker for most people who don't smoke, but it's weird to ask you about it, rather than simply walking away. That should be a red flag. As for him still being at home, I think you're just being prejudiced, or perhaps stayathomeophobic. But forget it. Someone who hates smoking can't bear to be anywhere near a smoker. It won't work. There are plenty smokers from which to choose.

Presumably he knew you were a smoker before you went on the date?
So why did he even go out with you?
If he already knew then he has no right to ask you to give up.

No, I didn’t pick up on this at the speed dating - it was more of a free for all “singles party” where everyone gets their own drink at the bar and then mingles. I chatted with him for maybe five minutes, struggling to hear with music blaring away, so possibly didn’t pick up on cues

I wouldn’t even be entertaining a momma’s boy of this dimension, smoke or no smoke.

Fair enough, sounds like you are definitely better out of it.

BTW, you should really quit smoking (kidding) 😂

@GoldDuster I love that poem thank you!

It’s ok to ask, it’s also ok to be offended, just say yes or no. or don’t answer at all.

It was a first date. You don't understand why he's still living with his parents at 45, and he hates your smoking. Both of you have solid dealbreakers with each other.

Move on

It's not going to work.

fwiw staying in the family home is common in lots of farming families, some cultures etc, and there my be particular reasons.

But you are outraged that he has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with a smoker and think washing your hands helps, he was weird about the cost of tickets / drinks, and has a weird way of talking about your body....time to book the next speed dating event.

This thread is reeking of offensiveness.

Let him go. He deserves someone who can truly provide him comfort, and it's clear that person isn't you.

I have three adult siblings, including two brothers, who live with our parents. They all have stable jobs, earning around 60k each for now, and since they’re young, they’ll likely keep climbing the career ladder and potentially become wealthy. They work remotely or in hybrid roles, so they don’t have much reason to move out. Everyone gets along well, and each person takes care of their own expenses while also contributing to the household chores. If they keep living with our parents until they're 45 because it's beneficial for them, that's great. It's better than the alternatives.

Yep, that’s because he’s a spoilt man-child who resents spending his money on anything but himself. He’ll never change because they never do. My ex eventually did move out but still spends most of his time at his parents and constantly has them doing normal household chores for him, and buying his food shopping.

Think of him like a giant parasitic, eogotistic, toddler. He’s probably a virgin too, with all his immature vomitworthy comments. Throw him back!

Smoking would be a red line for me. Even if you're careful to blow smoke away etc the smell stays with you, on your hands, your clothes and your breath. I didn't realise this when I was a smoker but it can be really off-putting. It also limits where you sit in pubs etc. I wouldn't date someone who said they were trying or planning to give up either - many attempts fail.

You've had one date. You are incompatible since he wants a non-smoker and you want someone more independent. No biggy. Just tell him you have no plans to stop smoking so the relationship isn't going to go anywhere and end it.

Best he asks so early in the relationship than be whinging 5 years down the line your breath smells and you saying "well, you knew I smoked..!"

But to second what others have said, washing your hands won't stop you smelling. It will be in your hair, clothes and breath.

You aren’t compatible. I wouldn’t date a 45 year old who still lived at home and I wouldn’t date a smoker either.

He sounds very unappealing. Surely his other comments and behaviours are more off putting than asking if you’ll give up smoking? He sounds a bit icky really.

You don’t need to date a man if you think his living situation will make you unhappy. He doesn’t need to date a smoker. You’re not suited. Stop dating. Not a big deal.

Just fyi though, you will find that your dating pool is much smaller due to the smoking. A lot of people don’t date smokers.

Sounds like you aren't compatible, best thing to do is move on I think

You're only finding it offensive because you're on that side of the fence. If you're looking for a 45 year old man to date, one that lives with his parents and has never moved out isn't a goer for most people. Sorry if that's offensive, but it is I think, quite true.

It also isn't the job of women to comfort men. That's mummy's job.