Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

If you weren't so controlling and paranoid you would not have had your ear pressed against the bathroom door listening to something which had nothing up to with you and then demanding he validate your feelings on the matter. Mind your own business and leave the man to shower in peace FFS.

He keeps cutting you off because you are manufacturing tension and then expecting him to manage your emotions. That your therapist is placing any blame on him suggests she's almost as dysfunctional as you.

You are abusive and have no business being in a relationship with anyone. Your partner either has the patience of a saint or is trauma bonded to not have ended the relationship already.

Whether it’s made up or not the OP has a lot of mental issues either way. So she’s either mentally unwell with a long suffering bf or she’s mentally unwell making up a multi-thread fiction for attention.

Wow. OP, WOW. Nothing more to say.

@togo1004 you have not been able to answer why you kept on asking him for more reassurance after he told you why he was speaking negatively. He was just practicing in case he was asked those questions, you didn’t like the answer, no? What was you expecting him to say? He then got annoyed by you and told you to stop at which point I imagine you did feel humiliated as adults should not need to be told off like a child the problem is, you act like a child. Children don’t take no for an answer and children need reassurance. You act like he is your dad not your boyfriend and he also acts like a parent. He is taking care of you and doing the whole role of a parent and you are a child, this is why he isn’t treating you like an equal - you aren’t equal to him. You aren’t a functional adult. He is trapped in a dysfunctional controlling relationship and you are expecting him to do/fix everything. You are getting out what you are putting in OP

Have you told this man you might literally die if he separated from you?

Maybe because he knows the script. There’s nothing new he needs to hear. He must be bored senseless listening to you about your feelingz and how his tone of voice makes you feel and how everything’s about you and what you feel.

Grow up and get a job and start contributing whether that is in the UK or Russia or Spain or wherever

Literally no one apart from you or someone you pay to listen is interested in your feelings.

If I were your therapist I would explore with you what is really going on with your own processes, beliefs, perceptions and in particular the "he makes me feel". we are all too acustomed to say X makes me feel this way and asign the responsibility to the other person. That is not a gpod way to approach this especially most of the time when people say I feel x it is in fact a perception not a feeling.
It wozld benefit you to explore what gets triggered within you and how you make sense of it. It all starts within us it is not about the other person. I cannot judge a therapist solely on what is written here but my instinct is that it is not going in the right direction.
If you record secretely your fiance so that you send it to your therapist for feedback, doesn"t bode well for your trust and respect in the relationship and as a therapist 1 I wouldn't encourage that and 2 I would not send you feedback on a recording outside a session. Something doesn't sound right at all.

What does the whole “pressure” thing mean? Him talking to himself in the shower is making you feel pressure and giving you pressure? I have no idea what that means.

I think you need to see a psychiatrist and get assessed for a personality disorder.

They can be treated but only if you can see you have an issue.

I agree, but I think people are wasting their time giving advice about the boyfriend - she’s literally feeding off it. She needs to see someone about her issues, 100%. It is worrying to be this mentally unstable, with or without the boyfriend.

You’re crazy

My god, is this what relationships are like these days? Recording conversations and then dissecting them?!

The relationship isnt healthy. Move on.

Wow. How on earth does she get time to organise those drawers with all those posts? 😆

The OP must be drop dead gorgeous and cracking in bed. The poor man deserves a medal.

I am sorry but you are abusing this poor man. Do him a favour and leave him.

Neither listing in to his conversation nor recording it for a therapist is ok. I'm amazed the therapist listened to it!

I think you owe him an apology.

i guess it's been reinstated, great im having a meeting with my partner soon and will show him and also ask him to open an account here to tell his side of the story.

I do think it’s a psychiatrist not a therapist OP needs.

well this is it, in support of my previous post that I wrote after only reading your first. The therapy should be focused on your overthinking and whatever else is going on with you. I don't know how long you have been in therapy but if you don't have more clarity about your stuff perhaps you should try a different therapist. There are so many therapists out there a d tehre is no 1 size fits all. I worked with people who were fed up having been in therapy for 10-15 years and no progress just talking. I saw progress in the first 5 sessions of working together. Traditional therapies are not so effective for every problem especially when it comes to trauma adaptations and strategies we develop at very early ages

I have and he always says that I won't and that I'll find someone in a year and be fine.

We had a really amazing relationship before it's gotten rocky in the last 6 months or so..

Omg do not make him post on here. Please seek qualified professional help. Help that is aware you have physically abused your partner so they can manage this safely.

Upon reading further... This thread can NOT be real. A person (the OP) CAN NOT be this detached from reality.

This is for sure a troll

Last week's thread was giving troll/rage bait, and this one all but confirms it.

Even if it is somehow true, the feedback isn't getting through.

Either way, I think we need to stop engaging with this user.

I've only had 1 session so far, and we are meeting again in 3 days to dive further.

Hey, OPs boyfriend, quick tip. Run. Far away.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5353871-i-dont-feel-appreciated-by-my-fiance