Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

@togo1004

well, maybe it was a big effort for me him that he cannot sustain? Didn’t come naturally to him. So cut your losses, end the relationship and be single or find someone else. Onwards and upwards, OP!

Because he's bored, tired, emotionally drained and fed up listening to the same old argument every single day and the constant need to prop you up.

Because of you and your actions.

Op, you need to see a psychologist to find out why you get so irrationally angry when someone doesn't always agree with you. Why you are so adamant you are correct all the time and why you are lacking in conflict resolution. If you can get to the bottom of this your life and relationship will be alot more peaceful and easier.

@StresHedyeah I see that - I’ve followed this (and previous thread) agog in horror. She needs psychiatric help v probably

he was the first guy I met in my life to make me feel safe.

And you repay him by physically assaulting him, emotionally and mentally abusing him, dismissing his feeling and health and making him isolated and ill.

But this reel wasn’t a cute animal one was it? It was you passive aggressively making a point and criticising his approach to your relationship. Aka starting another argument. Can’t you see that? You honestly can’t?

That’s a good one! Send him that one op!!

So you think he should be endlessly punished for forgetting toilet roll but that he is defensive and mean for correctly pointing out YOU also forgot it and didn't get off your arse and do it either.

I don’t think you’ll ever feel ‘heard’ because you’re just too much, too needy, too self-focused. Your ‘need to be heard’ and ‘feelings’ are the only thing you care about; you are incapable of showing empathy or any sort of understanding of your partner’s needs. You’re a leech who drains the life out of people. I suspect your DP has run out of give.

I thought you said everything was good between you yesterday when you sat down and spoke about your feelings?!?!

Your poor boyfriend. Why do you think this behaviour is appropriate? I would be out of there as quickly as possible if I were him. I hope you don't have a date set for the wedding as this is toxic.

Well done OP!

This is great progress. See if you can keep it up for as long as possible. Every day, program your brain to see positive things about your relationship. When you feel sad that hes not hearing your feelings, stop a moment and think about something nice he does for you. Then, instead of asking him to hear your feelings, tell him thank you for doing xyz thing.

I don’t think either of you respect each other anymore, and this is the death throes of your relationship playing out.

Ok you aren’t stealing his money (well done?) but you are stealing his wellbeing and sanity, and actually I think the damage you will leave behind with this guy is going to be far worse than financial. You can earn money back, but as you can see here, no one can give you back your rational thinking, trust or wellbeing

For now, you dont need to understand why you feel this way. Accept your feelings as they are and soothe yourself.

When you feel upset, quietly go and get some space for yourself. Do something that makes you feel better. Dont ask him to make you feel better. You need to gradually learn that you can rely on yourself to comfort yourself, you don't have to have another person agree or listen to you.

Agreement is not a requirement for successful relationships. Validation (self and other) is the basic requirement.

You have probably not be taught enough about having good relationships growing up. Its not too late to learn.

Read more about this here, see the Q&A:
Relationship Wisdom

@togo1004

are you gonna start another thread , OP? This one is nearly full.

Because he’s had enough…as evidenced by his overall demeanour and lack of appetite.

Admitting that you have issues is progress, @togo1004 - but I think the next step for you should be individual counselling, to help you find out why you have these issues, and how best to deal with them.

As I said yesterday, I honestly don't think relationship counselling will work until you have sorted out your own issues - it's like bandaging the patient's wounds and ignoring the fact that they can't breath.

I speak from experience. Dh and I went to marriage counselling, at a point during the early years of our marriage. After a few sessions (where we did make some progress, but nowhere near enough) the therapist told us that, until my depression was under better control, the relationship therapy was stalled and wouldn't make any more real progress. And once I had therapy and medication to help me with the depression, my relationship with dh improved, and we didn't need any more relationship therapy.

I'm not saying it will be exactly the same for you, but I AM saying that your priority must be getting the therapy that you need, so that you are as mentally and emotionally healthy as possible, then you can work on the issues with your relationship.

I think the fact you found a suitable counsellor so swiftly, were posting on this thread 15 minutes before, and then during your session, and immediately after suggests your Counsellor is either online, over the telephone or AI. Given all that you’ve shared I would strongly urge you to take time to find a qualified therapist who can work through your past trauma and negative patterns. They would carry out an initial assessment and risk assessment then work on a long term basis with you. It’s not an instant fix, and again, I state that ethically a counsellor would not listen to a recording of a non consenting party, especially in your first session.

The way this thread is being kept alive for so long by the OP arguing must be a huge mirror to how her arguments with her partner stay lit for so long. It's probably only been calm in her house the past few days because she's been putting all her drama and need for conflict into this thread.

If you started it then he is absolutely not wrong for cutting you off, it's his way of saying he can't do what you want him to, he can't say what you want and expect him to say, and you need to back off.
He is allowed to say no, he is allowed autonomy, he is allowed to not agree and have wildly different points of view, and he isn't a robot you can programme.
You also don't have to agree with him, but making that into an argument is just wrong.
Try accepting this and make both your lives easier.

Your therapist should be advising this poor chap to do this….run fast, run very, very far!!!

It was s cheapy online therapist according to op previous thread, shame she doesn't save the money to find one face to face but why bother when you can get it free on mumsnet.

Thank you. I’m getting individual counseling as well as will start couple therapy in 2 weeks.

i don’t want to break up, I really love him and I’m also feeling guilty after our fights.

i still feel unheard but I hope that will change over time

You shouldn't be doing relationship counselling. It is not recommended in an abusive relationship.
FYI you're the abuser.