Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

@togo1004 Not going to sugarcoat this: you are a literal baby. Emotionally. Maybe you werent parented well, but it is not your partners responsibility to regulate you. Its your job now. You need to grow up, and you need to grow up outside any relationship.

And do NOT have a child wirh anyone. Any person who thinks a parent should prioritise another grown up (partner or not) over a helpless little child hasn't got their head screwed on right. You are parentifying your partner because you choose to behave like a helpless needy little baby.

Don't you think there's something wrong that you get fired up if your opinion is different to his , whereas he doesn't mind different opinions , and always has to explain himself and try to calm you down ?

It seems the only way for you to feel ‘heard’ would be for him to psychically know exactly what you want when you want it, which isn’t realistic or healthy. He needs to agree with you at all times. This is very much a YOU problem, you need individual therapy not couples counselling.

I agree, I reported my concerns yesterday but it’s still going 🙄 it’s either a complete wind up or that man is seriously at risk from an abusive partner. Can’t help but wonder if it would’ve been shut down by now if the genders were reversed.

I've reported all the threads several times. I told mumsnet the poster is either a troll or abusive, they asked me for specific examples! Just read her posts.

Ok guys sorry for existing. I just wanted some help

You're an emotional blackmailer. Grow the fuck up

Get a grip

Stop listening at the bathroom door! Madness

You need to talk to a therapist.

I read about 6 posts, including the OP responses, before I decided life is too short for this shit.

But you haven't accepted any of the help which has been offered, you're going to keep going until someone agrees that you're being reasonable.
Which they won't.

You have had the same advice over and over and over again but you refuse to accept any of it and just keep arguing about why you’re right up keep abusing your poor partner.

You have serious mental health issues that no one here is qualified to help you with. You need to see a doctor urgently for a referral to a psychiatrist

This sums up how you manipulate others. It’s incredibly juvenile behaviour, aside from anything else.

Prime example of emotional blackmail

No you don't. You've disagreed with every single post on this thread that was trying to help you.

What you wanted was for everyone to say "i agree with your hurty feelings and your nasty partner needs to shut up and listen to you rant relentlessly about your hurty feelings, and apologise repeatedly and repeatedly say I love you, repeatedly, and it doesn't even matter that you were factually incorrect, your partner needs to pander to your fucked up behaviour, repeatedly, because you are the most awesomely wonderous person in his world and he must die for you".
That's what you wanted.

All of this plus he’s allowed to have a shower in peace!

Oh for goodness sake grow up!

OP is clearly thriving on all this attention. This thread really needs removing.

You don’t want help you just like attention

Thank god we're nearly done with this thread, because it's not doing anyone any good!

@togo1004 we're not here to pander to your incessant whining, you need more than therapy from some charlatan you found online.
You will never agree with us for the same reason that you will never leave your poor "fiancé" alone.... me, me, me me, me. You can't see anyone else's point of view.

Op I think you need to look at what was missing in your childhood - that means you live your adult life with such insecurity and fear. Talk to your therapist about your need to be seen and have attention. Where did it come from?

I used to be an horrendous attention seeker but realised it was because I was neglected as a child, and craved someone to notice me, to care. You can fix this, start with your counsellor and be honest and brave 💐💐

OP I'm sorry but you really shouldnt be in a relationship with anyone.
You've described behaviour (your own) that is impossible for another person to cope with.

You've invaded your partner's privacy because you thought he was talking about you.
You justified this by saying you felt 'pressured' - making him responsible for your feelings, despite those feeling being entireley unjustifed by anything he has done.
You've complained that he expresses frustration at this and that you should be listened to.

And your thearapist is not being helpful by saying it's both your fault. It isn't. At least not on the basis of what you say here. It's you.

You can recover from everything you are going through, but first you need to be aware of the root causes. I wish you the best 💐

See you on the next thread OP....