Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

Sorry but if you have this degree of social anxiety it’s on you to communicate clearly what your needs and limitations are. It is very confusing to him that you’re able to meet a stranger yet can’t open the door for a worker. Calling him insensitive is harsh, as he’s making a reasonable generalisation from behaviour of yours that he’s observed. You have to communicate with him that he can’t necessarily generalise and give him some guidance.

This sounds exhausting just reading it. He does have a point though, you can go out with a stranger, chat and have lunch, etc but can't open the door to a scheduled workman and get on with your day whilst he does his job. I dont actually think your partner has done anything wrong here.

If your social anxiety affects you this badly, but is situational, then have you looked at some therapy or self work to help you with that? Otherwise you need to communicate and take control of your own limitations/expectations to make things easier for you instead of expecting your DP to read your mind and always adjust to make life situations easier for you. In the examples you've given in the OP I can understand why he is struggling here.

This level of anxiety is on you. It's not up to him to validate or fix you. Crying over letting a workman into your home is very extreme.
you need to get some help for this level of anxiety. I'd my partner became this needy and anxious I would leave as it's just too much. You're a grown adult, you need to get a handle on this and see your GP.

But hasn’t he invalidated how I feel? Shouldn’t he focus on making me feel better than argue with me ?

Not really, because what you are asking for is quite extreme

It’s very exhausting to fight like this all of the time. It’s every few days he either invalidates me like he did today or stops me from talking and cuts me off.

i told him I will not do therapy without him but he feels that he doesn’t need therapy as he doesn’t have any anxiety issues or anything like that.

as my fiance it’s his job to make me feel safe. I don’t feel emotionally safe if he keeps invalidating my feelings.

he makes me feel like only I need therapy as if I’m what’s wrong with the relationship.

He's not invalidating your feelings though. He heard you and responded with some valid points to try and help you. It's on you to dig deeper and work out why letting the workman in upsets you so much, that's where therapy for you only would be helpful. To work on those issues and resolve them and get some pointers on how to not have these things affect your relationship. He can't support you because he doesn't know how because you don't know yourself so you have to get to the root of it all.

With respect OP maybe some treatment for the anxiety would be helpful and maybe that should be just you and not him as well.

Also I don't think you have an automatic right to expect 'validation' of whatever unpredictable feeling you have. You need to communicate what you want/ need from him.

I think you need personal therapy because your anxiety is ruining your life.

It's not entirely his job to help you feel safe OP. You need to feel safe in the relationship yes but feeling safe in every aspect of your life isn't on him. You have to work on that yourself

it’s his job to make me feel safe

No, it's your job to make you feel safe in the world. You need to get therapy for your anxiety and there's no reason to involve him or lay it at his door before you do that. Does your anxiety, and that level of it pre-date the relationship?

What is so extreme that I’m asking? We are in a relationship and I should be his priority. I told him
many times before, If I feel anxiety, no matter what we’re doing he has to calm me down and support me emotionally and he can’t seem to do that at all.

It's not his job to make you feel better. That is not the same as invalidating your feelings. Are you not invalidating his feelings here? He's allowed to be frustrated. He's off to help his nan and he just asked you to do a simple household task.

I felt invalidated because he said “babe just let him in, and he’ll do his job and leave. If he ask any questions, call me and I’ll answer”. Basically tells me it’s no big deal when it’s a huge deal to me.

and when he mentions that I met a stranger to make friend but I had to muster a lot of courage to do that as well. So it’s really difficult..

It is not his job or responsibility to do this though! I know you posted in relationships but your expectations here are highly unreasonable.

Edited to add that i can't imagine ever marrying someone who demands to control my life in this way. Your mental health is your issue to manage, yes he can support you in that but he isn't the one solely responsible for you coping.

Then what’s the point of relationship? Shouldn’t we prioritize each other and make sure we are emotionally safe?

ive told him many times I don’t feel safe emotionally because he constantly invalidates me. Sometimes we argue and I get into a panic attack and he just keeps talking without comforting me first.

this is why I don’t feel safe

It sounds like you want a parent, not a partner.

I’m sorry but it isn’t his responsibility to live his life constantly in a state of validating your feelings and bending to your needs - what about his needs ? This relationship really sounds one sided and if your social anxiety is really this bad you do need to go to therapy - he doesn’t need to go with you as that just perpetuates your neediness on him. You need to learn techniques to help you manage this on your own and for your own well being. Perhaps you should look up Learned Helplessness and consider if this is also feeding into your anxiety.

Is it really that unreasonable to place each other as priority?

I suffer from anxiety, I’m fine in my home, but going out is very big for me, to speak to people outside my home is so hard. So I do understand what you’re going through.

you have to push yourself todo these things the only person who can help you is yourself. I have found having someone on the phone when I’m out really helps.

can I suggest that when the man arrives, before you answer the door, you get someone on the phone, you don’t need to speak to them while the man is there just have an open line, a connection to someone you trust. If it gets to much you have someone to talk to.

If you're getting counselling to improve your anxiety, he should support you and encourage you.
However he's not responsible for looking after you, which it sounds like what you want him to do.
A good relationship is two people who are able to function independently but choose to be together and face whatever life throws at them by supporting each other when needed.

Is this fake? Seems too extreme to be real. If my DH acted like this I would leave. Not the life I signed up for.

Thank you for understanding. I’ll try that tomorrow when the filter man comes.

I have not done counseling because I don’t want to do it without him. He keeps asking me to go do therapy and he says he doesn’t need it as he doesn’t have any issues like this.

that just tells me he blames me for everything that’s wrong with the relationship is me.

If this is your expectation of being someone's priority then yes it is unreasonable.