Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

I never normally comment on these types of threads but since I’m just wasted my lunch hour reading this and your other threads here goes …

what on earth have I just read! I don’t understand how this and your other threads can be true? If this man is real he needs a medal.

you can’t understand why you’ve no friends etc, please just read everything you have written on these threads. Your very into feelings but don’t seem to understand anyone else’s “feelings” or wants/needs.

if you want honest advice to improve I do think you need to find a new therapist and work on yourself

@togo1004 You need help. I think you're being abusive towards your partner but I don't believe this is your intention. You are clearly unwell and you would need a psychiatrist to deal with this. You sound like a friend of mine who's bipolar but I'm not a professionnal. There is help to get before you get even more unwell. Your take on reality is so different to most people and yet you persist. And you have a debilitating degree of anxiety and paranoïa. Life must be so hard for you and I truly wish for you to get help and feel better.

Plus wanting the man to post here too.

Yep, she’s probably BUZZING as it’s just occurred to her she can make a fake profile for him, oh what fun she’s going to have!

Why would you say that when I've posted that this forum has helped quite alot in seeing my own faults in these issues.

I posted here to get feedback from you guys because I find information from here very valuable.

I know i'm not perfect, but I AM TRYING!

Also in that thread where you talked about being tired from doing everything 🫣 but then listed what you do v what he does and you literally named stuff like lifting the toothpaste tube when he coped it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Wow, I’m actually in shock after reading this thread.

You’re an abuser OP. Plain and simple. You financially, emotionally and physically abuse your partner and control him to the point he can’t meet his friends, can’t even chat to himself in the shower.

You are in no fit state to subject anyone to being in a relationship with you. You need to leave this poor man alone, go home to your parents in Russia and fix yourself. You have far too many issues to be in a relationship.

You're not asking for support, you're demanding complete agreement and obedience, even when you're being unreasonable. That's not emotional safety, that's control.

You're expecting him to take full responsibility for your emotions every time you feel anxious. That's not fair or healthy. A relationship needs mutual support, not one person constantly managing the other’s state of mind.

Saying you won’t go to therapy unless he comes too is manipulative. Therapy is personal. Using it to force someone else into doing what you want isn’t right.

You’re calling it invalidation when he disagrees or sets a boundary. That’s not invalidation. That’s just a normal part of being in a relationship. You're twisting everything so that unless he gives in, he's automatically the bad guy.

You're making him feel like he has to walk on eggshells and like he's the only problem in the relationship. That’s emotional abuse. I really hope he has support around him and finds a way to leave safely. You're horrific and I hope this is fake.

Okay so what about all the posts saying you are abusive and that you need proper psychiatric help?

OP you sound incredibly self-absorbed and really hard work. Not everything is about you and your feelings. I struggle with anxiety too but I don't expect the rest of the world to revolve round this. It's possible you have trouble regulating your emotions but even so, you need to learn to back off and give other people space.

On a previous thread, you said:

If he tells me he would put our kids over me I will break up with him tomorrow.

I hope you ask him if he would put your children before you, he says yes, and you end it. So he can be free from his abuser and you don’t bring a child into this madness.

You had a deeply traumatic childhood and unfortunately the consequences of that, because you are refusing to accept your behaviour is abusive, mean you have lost your friends and are going to lose your partner.

He hasn’t seen his friends alone in six months because if he tries to you have panic attacks. To the point you say you will pass out. You shared that on your other thread last month. You also shared that he stopped going to church and stopped volunteering, also “to help me cope being without him.”

You are coercively controlling this man. It’s abuse. Even worse that his ex wife financially abused and stole from him too. This poor bloke.

Don’t you want to be happy? You need to be single, work hard on yourself, learn to be accountable and responsible for yourself financially and emotionally, and do a shed load of therapy before even considering another relationship let alone a family.

It would be so incredibly unfair to have a child when you’re this unwell mentally.

You don’t have to live like this forever, but you need to make proactive and responsible changes. This relationship is not salvageable - continuing it requires him to give up his mental wellbeing and, if you have children, for them to grow up in an abusive home.

I’m sorry you had an awfully traumatic childhood. Break the cycle. Stop abusing. Start growing.

We're now on close to 60 pages (including the deleted thread where the truth is now referred to as "attacking" @togo1004 . What do you want?

No one is going to back you up in your abuse of your boyfriend. Indeed you've actually managed to ramp up your abuse further - ear to the bathroom when he showers, REALLY!?

You should undoubtedly leave the poor bastard immediately.

He didn't make you feel pressured - you made yourself feel that. If he can't chat to himself in the shower without you monitoring what he's saying and making it all about you, I imagine he's the one who's feeling pressured. YABU.

Wow, I’m actually in shock after reading this thread.

You’re an abuser OP. Plain and simple. You financially, emotionally and physically abuse your partner. You control him to the point where he can’t meet his friends, can’t even have a chat to himself in the shower.

You’re very unwell and in no fit state to subject anyone to being in a relationship with you. Leave this poor man alone, go home to Russia, fix yourself and don’t think about getting into another relationship until you've seriously changed pretty much everything about you.

I don't agree with your therapist. I don't think your DH was wrong, he handled it a lot better than I would have! A shower is a private space, you went in there and in my opinion were looking for an argument, you didn't get it and then you started crying. Recorded the whole thing too as if it was some set up to get a recording of him in a poor light. I think your therapist has gone too lightly on you, this sounds abusive. I would be full of anxiety living with someone who would not only intrude on me in the bathroom but record it too.

You put your ear to the door?! That's ridiculous. Leave him alone and stop eavesdropping.

you are in the wrong by walking in and giving him a barrage of questions and not listening to his response

He told you he was practising for a podcast. That is the answer, you accept and move on

its not all about you, poor bloke

personally if Inwas him I would be dumping you

I have read a few of your threads now and all I keep thinking is ‘she must be 10/10 Cindy Crawford standard supermodel, who is filthy rich and dynamite in bed’

I cannot understand why he is putting up with you otherwise. He can’t even talk to himself now.

You are really very unwell and need a whole team of people to try and sort it out. I don’t think you should be in any kind of relationship. All the very best to you.

You're not trying, you're arguing.

@togo1004 you need to leave this relationship and be single.

It's utterly toxic, your expectations and reactions aren't normal or healthy. Your DP isn't responsible for your emotional regulation or there to manage your anxiety. You need to find ways to do that yourself.

You need intensive therapy and not by someone online, actually I'd go so far as to say you might need to speak to a psychologist as it's clear that you have some deep seeded issues and might benefit from CBT.

You are abusing your DP, I'm surprised that the man doesn't have whiplash from your behaviour and how you react to him.

Please do yourself and your DP a favour by ending the relationship and seeking professional help

Oh for fuck sake just leave the man alone. We don't need to hear his side of the story to know you are very mentally unwell and should spend a significant amount of time working on yourself rather than coercing a partner into pandering to your every demand and using the internet to validate your feelings.

I'm not finished reading yet, but had to stop here to say... DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO THIS FUCKED UP LIFE!!

Also, you are already breaking no.3 - You don't bring him peace. You bring him anxiety, abuse... and God knows what else. I hope the poor man cops on soon and frees himself of you and your abuse. Edit to say: actually you are already breaking all of his requests!

OP mumsnet is not an interactive therapist. It's just a bunch of random people killing time.

OP you can pay for access to an AI Real Time Therapist. I think it would help you.