Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

Feck me, If anyone knows this nutter IRL for gods'sake tell the bloke to run! run very far and in the immediate direction of away!

What's his family's thoughts on this farce?

I don't know that I'd like anyone who abuses my child, so I do wonder.

I'm also wondering if he came from an abusive home or what has happened to him that he thinks this is the relationship he should remain in. Hopefully he grows tired of it soon, before you leave him and absolute shell of a person.

of course i do~! I started it, but he's also wrong for just constantly cutting me off. Two things like this can be true at once.

Tbh, OP. I'd be seriously considering the future of a relationship where my partner heard talking to myself in the shower and then came in and questioned me on it and then, despite reassurances that it wasn't negative and wasn't about him, he proceeded to berate me for it anyway and told me he didn't expect me to do that because of how it made him feel...

In fact, I don't think I'd ever get to that point in a relationship becaise I'd have ended it a long time ago.

This is one of the most worrying behaviours I've read on here. Hugely controlling and, if a man did that to me, I think I'd feel scared.

oh I’m trying to be kind and not insulting. Its hard when we dont have both sides of the story but op honestly you sound like you need to work on yourself and be single until you figure yourself out. There seems to be a lot of things that are triggering anger in you, he would be better off alone.

And the last bit?

I hope this guy escapes and fast.

#savetheboyfriend

Classic case of DARVO.

It's not abuse to cut someone off who is abusing you.

You typed up the transcript OP, he cut you off from saying the same thing over and over and over once he had already given you a full answer.

OP keeps saying her last thread was deleted. It wasn't, it's here it all its glory.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5375279-working-on-our-issues-but-would-like-advice

She started this thread on Thursday, and it's now Tuesday. If what you are posting is true OP, you are seriously mentally unwell. Please seek medical support, not therapy.

He was having a shower!! You invaded his privacy. You showed a total lack of respect. There are no buts, there is no he’s also wrong. He asked you to stop but you didn’t. You didn’t listen to him or consider his feelings.

Yeah well one is you seem to have serious psychiatric issues and are being abusive

The other is he doesn't validate your feelings

The 2 issues aren't even in the same postcode.

Stop 'what about'ing this and start listening

You sound very paranoid. Get a new therapist and figure out that you don't have the right to hear every thought your poor DH has. Let the poor guy alone.

OP , are you winding people up? You are perfectly aware the reaction you will get on mumsnet but still keep posting. I don’t think you are genuine. The way you have described yourself and your circumstances are to create the stir and controversy.

This sounds lot a lot of hard work for both of you. Relationships should be easy. I would seriously consider ending it.

I agree with most posters on here that you are in the wrong AND I would also add the following.

If you are in a relationship in which you are not married and you have no children, if that relationship is in such a mess that you need to see a therapist then you need to end that relationship because clearly it is not right for one of you or both of you.

A relationship is not supposed to be hard work, mentally or emotionally draining or fraught or characterised by distrust, paranoia, arguments, strife and upset. When two people are right for one another it all goes smoothly and enhances both lives; even disagreements are good natured and bring out empathy and compromise on both sides.

Walk away from this relationship.

Even more reason to believe that this whole thing is just some deranged woman trying to get attention. One thing that makes me suspicious is how bad she makes herself look, and how innocent she makes her fiancé look. It’s like she wants to look terrible. I think she’s wasting all your time posters….

Perhaps you could practise* *reassuring yourself when this happens. Don't make it his job, take it into your own hands. Tell yourself it's OK, it's normal, nothing's wrong, you're not in any danger. Acknowledge to yourself that you feel upset. Tell yourself that what's going on now is triggering these feelings in you but that doesn't mean that anything bad is going on right now.

Then take this experience to a therapy session & discuss it with the therapist in terms of exploring why you felt in danger from a perfectly everyday event.

There's an easy breathing practice which can fool the body into relaxing when you feel tense: look it up.

Talking about your feelings so much (& making someone else responsible for listening & dealing with them) is not good for a relationship.

NB I'm not a therapist but have experience of being a client.

To be fair, based on the second post in that thread (from a moderator) it had been deleted but then reinstated today (after she started this thread, it seems - unless there was another thread today). So, when she wrote, here, that it was deleted, she wasn't incorrect.

The only thing I believe is that she’s unwell and needs to see someone for her own sake, not the imaginary fiancé.

Can I ask how old you are OP, and your bf?

Jesus Christ. Take some accountability. You can't gaslight us.

@SecretNameforMN A relationship is not supposed to be hard work, mentally or emotionally draining or fraught or characterised by distrust, paranoia, arguments, strife and upset. When two people are right for one another it all goes smoothly and enhances both lives; even disagreements are good natured and bring out empathy and compromise on both sides.

Very much agree with this.

I didn’t pick fights. All I said was that I felt pressure from his tone and wanted to ask him to help me get rid of these thoughts by reassuring me that everything’s ok.

YOU felt pressure from him talking to himself in a different room, in the shower, with the water running and YOU wanted him to get rid of YOUR thoughts.

HE did nothing wrong. And, tbh, he can't reassure you that everything is OK because it quite clearly very much isn't.

Christ alive.... You still can't take accountability for your own actions! you say something and then twist it sttraight back to yourself!