Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

OP, this is insanity. LEAVE HIM ALONE. And for heavens sake stop talking about him not validating your feelings, your last thread was painful. Break up with the poor guy and validate your own feelings, you're abusing him.

Leave him alone. I think your therapist sucks because I see him as utterly blameless here. Do you have a job, interests, hobbies? Just wondering as you seem very fixated on him

I would be defensive too, if I was being accused of something different every other day. You're the problem.

So you couldn't actually hear what he was saying? From a discussion with himself, of which you couldn't hear the actual words and weren't invited to hear the actual words, you have decided he sounds negative and that you would take offense? I'm not surprised he cut you off OP, I would too, you are making something out of nothing. How on earth can you feel pressured from words you can't hear?!

The difference is that your feelings are not reasonable - of course he becomes defensive.

She said it was more my problem but she did say that he was wrong to completely shut me down. She feels that he should have heard me out.

i told her that in my mind I know he wasn’t talking about me but I needed his reassurance to get rid of the pressure I felt because of his tone

But in this case your feelings were irrelevant. He wasn’t thinking about you, talking about you, talking to you or ‘being negative’. He was just minding his own business in the shower, which he explained clearly. What on earth would there be to talk about? Your feelings were a response to a scenario you created in your head which he explained was not the case. What would there be to talk about?

‘when I put my ear to the bathroom door.’ If your relationship is driving you to act this way you need to end it.

A properly qualified therapist would not be listening to & giving you ‘feedback’ on your bizarre recordings. The whole situation is nuts.

Just read this back. The poor guy is so n the shower by himself practicing for a podcast.

Why are you bothered what he’s doing in there, what his tone is or what he’s saying?

You don’t need him to validate your feelings. You need to leave him and find a more professional therapist.

He probably thought he was safe in the shower away from you.

Why were you listening to him, you say he was whispering so you must have intentionally gone to the bathroom to see what he was doing, how did you hear him if he was whispering and the shower was running, very odd behaviour on your part.

Do you listen at every door to try and catch him out.

He probably cuts you off as he knows you will just keep on and on and he is probably exhausted from it all, would love to hear his side.

Did you not know he was doing a podcast and was practising, are you worried he would tell the truth about what is happening in your relationship and you want him to only paint a rosy picture.

It would be better for both of you to be apart, this really is not a good way to live.

You wouldn’t have felt any “pressure” at all if you had removed your ear from the bathroom door and given the guy some peace!!

This is creepy behavior on your part.

My DH talks to himself in the shower. It’s his private time. I don’t go out of my way to spy on him and try to listen to what he is saying though. I give him the space and privacy a shut door and someone in the shower is entitled to.

You need to concentrate on sorting yourself out OP before you even contemplate marriage.
Your partner did absolutely nothing wrong. He explained what he was doing. YOU made it all you and your feelings when what he was saying has absolutely nothing to do with you, your relationship or anything.
You sound utterly exhausting.

I would be getting very defensive if someone decided to interrupt my shower time butting in with unwanted opinions and policing my tone.

I’m surprised your therapist didn’t call you out on this. You need to learn to mind your own business when it doesn’t concern you and stop trying to pick fights.

You were like a dog with a bone! You’re negative, he speaks, you’re negative, he speaks etc. it was like you were goading him and making his private conversation all about you!

How can you say it was irrelevant? I also have pent up frustration because I never get to talk about how I feel.

i feel as couples we should be able to go to each other and share feelings but everytime I do, he becomes defensive and cuts me off.

this is why he set 2 days a week to talk about feelings. Like tonight we will do this. I already wrote down what I will say, after we thank each other for our hard work at home.

we had a sit down last night as well and we’ve discussed many topics and if you guys are interested I’d like to share and get feedback as well.

as hard as you guys are on me, it’s helped me recognize some of my issues

There is no positive future in this relationship. He really really shouldn't have to explain himself about a private 'conversation' with himself in the shower, or anywhere. You need to fully understand and accept that and stop being so unreasonably demanding to stand a chance of happiness.
Please work on yourself before contemplating another relationship and please don't bring children into such an immature and toxic situation.

If you feel that much pressure from a tone, which is clearly not directed at you and nothing to do with you, then you need help with that. Not picking apart fights you are starting with your finance.

If you have a trauma background seek help for that, not for things you think your boyfriend is doing wrong. It doesn’t sound like he can do right for wrong.

this is a bit intense OP. His mood doesn’t always need to be about you and he doesn’t always need to validate your emotions, in particular when he hasn’t anything wrong. He is your partner not your parent.

if this is a typical scenario where fights occur you need to look into yourself and your reaction to perceived negative emotions, because on this occasion he has genuinely done nothing wrong.

Reverse the scenario in your head and ask if you would validate his emotions if the shoe was on the other foot….you caught him off guard in a private space practicing for work stuff (you were not even on his mind) and made it about you and your emotions. He was probs initially confused, he then tried to reassure you and unsurprisingly pissed off when you continued to push it - a totally normal reaction. Also let’s also take a sec to remember the man was naked and instinctively would have felt vulnerable so the fact he even gave you air space on this is a miracle as most people would have lost their shit immediately.

is this a typical scenario when you argue? If you need validation on your emotions he may not be the guy for you? Some men are more closed off to emotions than others and so this could be genuinely exhausting and tricky for him to navigate. To force that change isn’t necessarily fair to them and sometime we just need to take people as they are and realise it is a them problem and not a you problem. It shows he loves you if he is willing to try but you need to come
and go with him and validate to him that you recognise that this could be hard for him and you appreciate his continued investment in you.

I used to live with a partner who would get triggered by any 'negativity' and do this sort of thing. Absolutely suffocating and glad to be free of that nonsense now.

I didn’t pick fights. All I said was that I felt pressure from his tone and wanted to ask him to help me get rid of these thoughts by reassuring me that everything’s ok.

i don’t know why it gave me pressure. But it did, it just sounded so negative and fast. It gives me anxiety when I hear people speak like this.

but I feel as couples we should hear each other out no matter how big or small

Discuss with your therapist how you make your negative feelings about him.

Objectively he has done nothing wrong but for some reason you think because you are feeling bad about him talking to himself you've made it a 'him' problem not a 'you' problem. You need to examine what faulty beliefs you have to think that way. For example that his private thoughts should always be available to you (or else he doesn't love you?) or that he should always agree with your interpretation of events (otherwise he is shutting you down). My feeling is that you've been shutting him down, at least based on that argument.

Before embarking on couples therapy you need to really work on your own stuff.

Honestly you are super intense it must be very difficult living with you when he can't even have a moments privacy when in the shower!

Your therapist is right

All you do is talk about your feelings though! Setting two days a week aside to talk about feelings is not normal. It's too much.

This is no way to live and it’s a weird relationship. Just split.